Gods waiting room….Hi de Hi!

The dog wagged its tail appealingly and lifted its head to greet us, looking around.  Its bowl of water and juicy bone looked untouched.  It was…..the dog was a stuffed animatronic.  I was worried…..seriously worried.   The reception area was full of people in their late 60’s plus.   It looked like a Val Doonican convention bus had just pulled in and the pundits had just been dropped off.   Those that weren’t on the ‘bus’ were in wheelchairs, on crutches or had walking sticks.  The attire of the majority of the men was every shade of beige/brown, polyester trousers, with beige hushpuppy shoes……women wore similar, only their trousers had elasticated waists and these weren’t actually up under their armpits!  Admittedly some women wore skirts but I think they were all bought from the same shop….all the same style and shape…..generally floral and loud and teamed with a nice little twinset!  This is the uniform of the over 60’s.  God help us.  If this is a snapshot of what’s to come I’m stopping right now.  I’m a square peg in a round hole.

‘R’ joined me after parking the car…..smirking he says “have you ever stayed at a hotel where the disabled car park is larger than the main car park!”  He was joking, but not much……….

Reluctantly I took charge and was handed our room key.  A ‘Royale’ room suite……oh well, at least we have a luxury room.    The ‘Royale’ was the best they had on offer.   To be fair, the approach to the hotel is magnificent and imposing……a sweeping driveway and a majestic house…..covered in scaffolding!  When I booked this, they had failed to mention that the builders were in…..just a slight oversight then.   A couple of other things they failed to mention too.    Soooo off to our Royale room.

I had noticed that as we entered the reception that there was disinfectant gel dispenser on the wall, and I thought that this was maybe just because this was a ‘public’ place and they were cautious?   We got into the lift and there was another one….it transpires that they are everywhere.  I’ve stayed in some very large and beautiful hotels but have only ever encountered this at hospitals and nursing homes……after only 15 minutes here I am very aware of the similarity and think that I must have missed the ‘care home’ part from the sign at the entrance to the hotel!

The smell was the first thing to hit me when I opened the door.  No not what you are thinking!!!  bad people :-)……It was paint - gloss paint.   And then the ‘view’……nicely obscured by scaffolding and a couple of ugly polish painters outside the bedroom window talking loudly and laughing.  The bedroom was large, pleasant……and the bathroom was very large and pleasant.  But it was dirty.  There was a pubic hair in the sink and there was talcum powder on the floor.  The bed looked like someone had been sitting on it and floor hadn’t been hoovered.  This was NOT my standard and I don’t have to put up with it.  ‘R’ looked at me and said ‘are we staying?’ and my face said it all and he beat a hasty retreat back down to reception.    15 minutes later he returned and said ‘we’re moving’…….which I already knew as I wasn’t intending to sleep there! Had the Polish painters been good looking I could have been tempted to stay

Our new room was much superior.  Charles 1 ’suite’….has a far nicer ring about dahling!  anyway, with a 4 poster bed it appeared more stately, had a beautiful view, sofa etc etc etc.   This is what I’m used to.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind slumming it if you’ve paid to slum it and are prepared to….I hadn’t and wasn’t….simple as! 

And then it began………………………………………………………….

After unpacking a few essentials I sat on the sofa and perused the hotel brochure.  What no one had mentioned was that this was a 70’s weekend….themed 70’s weekend.   This is like Butlins for adults and my worst nightmare come true.  I am going to kill 2 of my sisters very painfully and slowly when I get to see them.    I start reading through the Entertainment Guide….a brief except is here;    

Saturday (woohoo…..better be up and about early for this lot……Hi de Hi campers!!!)

10.30 am Name that Tune (60’s)

11.00 am Flying Target Frisbee (what the hell is this!!!)

11.45 Around the world quiz

1.30pm Archery   (bearing in mind the ages and lack of mobility……I don’t think so!)

1.30pm Line Dancing (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) The Cowboy Charleston, Califonia Freeze & Alamo are ‘todays’ dances……NOOOOO there are MORE tomorrow!!! 

2.30 Rifle shooting (now this could be good, i have a few people in mind that i would like to practice on!)

3.00pm  Play your Cards Right with Rob Brimfield and his dolly dealer……woohoo!!!

Oh and then tonight…….An Eagles tribute band called Talon.    I HATE tribute bands, with a vengeance.  I’ve seen a few of them and just want to laugh.  The worst one ever is a Queen tribute band called ‘Magic’ a kind of Queen.  The lead singer is about 70….very tanned (fake) and with false teeth that he obviously isn’t using any of that ‘magic’ denture fixative adhesive with, as they keep falling out!!   AND they are playing here sometime soon……must remember to book that date………..

But Sundays list is so much better….how on earth are they going to top this;

10.00 am Catchphrase

10.30am Name That Tune (70’s) woohoo…..

11.00am WELLY WANGING  (Another, what the F**k is this!)

12.30pm Speed snooker (oh I really don’t want to miss out on this now do I….zimmer frames at the ready!)

1.30pm Line Dancing - ah, but todays dances are; stroll along cha cha & Waltz Across Texas. (such a shame I shall have waltzed out of the gate and be on my way home)

I am in hysterics reading the list of activities but I need a drink to ‘loosen’ up.  We decide to have a stroll, get our bearings and relax with a drink.   We made our way down to the leisure suite where there is a swimming pool and jacuzzi, sauna and steam room.   I’m amused by a sign on the wall ‘Lone swimming is prohibited’  WHY???  aren’t these people capable of being on their own in a pool? aren’t they old enough?  What happens if you go in with someone and they go and get changed and leave you there?  oh i’m such a rebel!   Then we chance upon a shop within the hotel…..a nice little gift shop.  WRONG!  Its full of tat.  what i commonly call tat, and I now really really want to cry and need the stiffest drink possible.   There are little yellow ducks with peoples names on…..walking sticks…..puzzle and crossword books!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO   Please beam me up and take me to The Sanderson, a Chateau in France or that lovely hotel in Glasgow or The Pergolese in Paris….anywhere but here…..PLEASE GOD, I’m a good girl honest I am.  

Sipping a glass of red wine I slump into my chair and look around.  I look at ‘R’ in bemusement.  The couple at the table next to us are itching for a conversation but I don’t want to make eye contact.  Another couple behind are sharing a puzzle book and doing a word map or crossword.  Music is playing in the background…..the 1812 overture….any minute now it could be the Dambusters or Vera Lynn!  I want to hear The Zutons….PLEASE MR MUSIC WILL YOU PLAY!    Then you hear it…..every few minutes…..a sound that is to become very familiar over the next few hours…………….The whirr of a motorised wheelchair/scooter a la Benidorm! (the TV sitcom, not the location!).  

I get up and go to use the bathroom and come back laughing…..there are condom machines in the public toilets….who are they kidding!  they would receive more revenue if they installed an incontinence pad machine!  Condoms in a place like this!!!   Perhaps we have it all wrong….perhaps its a ’swinging’ venue…perhaps there is more going on than we have given them credit for……hmmmm……definitely something fishy about this place

We walk back to our room to prepare for dinner.  As we are doing so, we pass a very happy couple on the main huge landing “looking forward to a ‘fun’ weekend” he says to us………’R’ looks at me and we smile to each other and in unison say ‘Absolutely’…….walking away we looked at each other and said “swingers, definitely swingers”!

I was feeling very young and very naughty despite my 46 years that are rapidly approaching 47.   My dress for dinner was a wrap dress which is very figure hugging and shows a lot of cleavage.  In hommage to a good friend of mine that has a ‘pulling’ dress (you know who you are!) I spent the huge amount of £9.99 on this dress from Ebay, (brand new still with tags though!) and my shoes were £3 in the M&S Autograph clearance at Christmas, information that is totally necessary for you to know that despite all the information above, I love a bargain!    So….I am ‘dressed’ and wearing obligatory stockings for added sexiness….pearl necklace and pearl and diamond earrings.  I feel elegant and mischievous……a wicked combination.   These old people aren’t going to know where to look.   What I hadn’t actually reckoned on were the waiters!!!

The average age of the waiters was no more than 22. I will never forget the look I caught on one of their faces as I put on my glasses and crossed my legs at the table…..I caught him looking and his smile just said it all…..It was a real Mrs Robinson moment.  The food was superb, thoroughly enjoyable, although one thought sprung to mind…..I have this inkling to try a cruise for a holiday and now looking around here, that has totally dispersed….THESE are ‘cruise’ people……NOOOOOOOOOOO  When we got up to leave, ‘R’ walked behind me and the 3 waiters stood in line as we walked out, ‘R’ commented that their faces had a ‘you lucky bastard’ look on them!   Maybe my 3 hour preening yesterday paid off then, maybe somebody noticed me for once

Everywhere was dead.  It was only 10pm and yet no one was about.  I thought they must have been safely tucked up in bed with their horlicks but i now know that they were at ‘the pavilion’ dancing to Mrs Mills at the organ…..such a shame we missed it.    ‘R’ and I opted for a gentle stroll to the ping pong room….no, not table tennis….PING PONG.  The 4 of us had a wonderful time and ‘R’ said it was the sexiest thing he’d seen in a long time….the twins and I playing ping pong!  When a screw fell out of the light fitting after we hit it, I questioned the rationale for doubling the snooker table as a table tennis table…..but then I’m not so sure that the other guests are generally as such enthusiastic players as us.

Exhausted we retired to bed, can’t wait to get these stockings off and dream about welly wanging and such delights tomorrow…….that lovely 4 poster bed…….hmmmmmm……have you ever slept in a 4 poster?   Very coffin like and claustrophobic if you ask me.  You know, I’m sure I can see the glint of a telescope peeking out from the window of the waiters quarters in the attic rooms in the courtyard opposite…..Just in case, I shall make the ’show’ a good one

Secret Rituals………

It seemed a good idea at the time when ‘R’ suggested a weekend away.  After all, I was supposed to be recouperating after having had quite a large operation on my leg last week, however, the damn doctors were determined to ‘p’ me off majorly, and these days it doesn’t seem to take too much. 

I had spent from 7.30 am until 9.30 pm under the protective care and watchful eyes of the staff at St Albans City Hospital.  I hadn’t eaten or drunk since 7.30 pm the night before (Sunday), and the liquid that had passed my lips was fizzy and alcoholic….oh and pink.   I know it was my own fault that I didn’t drink anything up until 12 midnight, but I thought that I was ‘being good’ because i could be early on the list….BIG mistake.   It got to 6.30pm on Monday night and I was incredibly thirsty and irritable and a migraine was lurking….the result of impending dehydration no doubt.  It was 23 hours since anything had passed my lips.   I asked the sister, very pleasantly and with a smile (as much as I could muster) “do you have any idea at all what time my operation is likely to be?”   An enquiry was made to ‘theatre’ and after much tooing and froing with phone calls and a few hushed conversations, i gathered it wasn’t going too well.  Have you ever noticed how sensitive your hearing becomes as your blood pressure starts to rise?  Well you can hear a whispered conversation from miles away…..and my blood pressure was rising…..steeply!   Sheepishly she came and told me that ‘They’ve cancelled your operation’   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like that, after all day there, and being told i was 7th on the list (4 had been seen by 11 am) and that i would be seen before lunch…..now i had been ‘cancelled’    Oh great……The hospital Gods decided at the last moment to cancel my operation because they had run out of time.   “Would you like to speak to the consultant when he finishes operating?”  she asks……DAMN RIGHT I WOULD!

So, after a few days of negotiation…..well, me ranting more so, and then them deciding to re admit me this following Monday, ‘R’ decided it would be nice to take me away for a couple of days………………………

I got up very early to prepare for these 2 nights away.  This is a rare treat.  I have to say here and now that this is totally my fault.  Well sort of.  I booked this place, BUT…….I had been recommended to this group of hotels by my darling sister who has a friend that has been several times and loves them.  This friend is very discerning and worldly, classy…..chic……so they must be pretty good…..Hold that thought!

If there is a female equivalent of a metrosexual male then I am it.  Well apart from the gym loving and physique adoring aspect that is!  But in all other aspects I am buffed and polished to perfection…..in fact, this morning it has taken me 3 1/2 hours to get ready to get out of the door on time…..sad and very true.  I don’t feel the pressure of the media to do this, or to appear this way to the outside world, just my own standards and after all, what’s an extra hour per month?  Actually, the truth of the matter is that it just takes me longer and longer to get ready and i’m just justifying it!

R is safely esconced in his own bedroom and is totally unaware of what I am doing…..thank God!  there are some things that actually i believe are very personal, and men and even other women friends and sisters shouldn’t be present when attempted……mishaps will come back to haunt you and visions will stay in their memory banks for years and could be recalled at the most inopportune moments!!!

So the rundown of my 3 hours or so marathon starts (all men should read this……yes women REALLY do all this!)

1.   Shower

Not as simple as this sounds.  Stand under the shower and plan the rest of the 3 hours.  Wash hair once with fancy shampoo, massaging ‘properly’.  wash off.  Apply exfoliator to face.  Wash hair a second time not needing to be quite so thorough.  Wash off, and take off exfoliator at the same time.  Apply conditioner and now step away from the shower.   Apply copious amounts of shaving cream - preferably mens and pinched from his cupboard, all over legs, underarms and in ‘diva’ areas!  Commence the BIG shave with a razor.  Again, his new one is far more preferable to your lady shave.  Theirs are sharper and after all those 5 blades are so much more necessary aren’t they????!!!!!  legs done, underarms done, now you have to tackle the contortions of La Diva area…..a tricky manouvre when stood in a slippery shower covered in shaving gel with one leg balanced on the wall at the side of the shower….for christs sake don’t slip or those 5 blades are going to leave a really nasty mess and cosmetic surgery in that area is going to be something that might have to be considered!   So…..all smooth, now for the big wash off…..including the conditioner on hair.   Finished?  No chance!   Apply exfoliator to arms, chest, thighs, very ample and dimpled bottom, take one exfoliating ‘mitt’ aka sandpaper……and buff.   Finished now?   Nooooooooo……now apply foaming body wash all over paying particular attention to the feet that i have just remembered that i need to file……correct, file….with sandpaper!  well ‘ish’…..just have to have nice feet.   I can’t bear women who have hard skin on their feet and then wear sandals……eeergh.   Finished???  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS    time taken?   well approximately 20-25 mins :-)  quick shower eh…

(ps.   to any ladies over 30 reading this……PLEASE check the back of your thighs regularly for hair.  I don’t know why, but one day…..and very suddenly when you don’t expect it, you will find that the hair on the rear of your thighs has suddenly quadrupuled in length and volume.   No one will tell you this, but when you get out of a swimming pool, teenagers will be smirking at you……trust me.   If like me, you were lucky enough to find it early on whilst languishing in a bath, then all will be well, but in this age of showers, this could go unnoticed for eternity and I would really hate you to go through life afflicted with unrully hair and ‘knowing’ titters!)

2. Paint toenails with base coat.  Feet perched up on dressing table with tissue paper in between toes so that I don’t get nail varnish on each one.    Now I make my espresso.  Not because i need the caffeine but because i’m going to need a warm cup!    At this point I have a towel wrapped around me, no rubbing my tender body with it…..its sore!   Once dry, I smother my body with body lotion.  this takes time.  Not because i’m careful or take pleasure in the process but because i have a lot of ground to cover!  Paying particular attention to knees, ankles & elbows….they need more lotion.  Once done, now I can apply a coating of bisto…..fake tan to the uninitiated!  Brown fat looks so much nicer that white fat!   I now have to sit naked for for about 10 minutes till the lotion soaks in…..and i’m cold.  Have to remember to wash off fake tan off hands and up arms, trying desperately not to splash water over areas already done otherwise when I ‘develop’, I will be spotty or worse still, stripey!  oh yes, it has happened and its really not a good look……………this is such a bloody palava (yes it is a word and it is correct…i’ve checked it!).  Time taken - god knows, i’ve lost count!

3. This is where the coffee comes in.   Because I am blonde haired but my eyebrows are darker  - natures so unpredictable at times ;-)  I lighten my eyebrows.  Now I have to be very careful when I do this or they will go ginger!  No joking, ginger.  I don’t want ginger eyebrows, I’d rather them dark than that, so I have to time them with precision.  To utilise my time more efficiently I might as well wax my top lip at the same time.  I’m very blonde and its really not noticable, but i don’t like to take any chances so i do it anyway……this is what i use the hot coffee for, well the cup!  I wrap the wax strip of cold wax around the hot cup to warm it so that it is just the right temperature to apply to my delicate skin.  I’ve done this a few times before so I know what i’m doing.  Get the strip on and there is a few minutes of hesitation when you know that you have to pluck up the courage to ‘rip’ it off and hope to God that its full of those lovely little hairs…..with one hand holding the skin of your face into a taught frozen sad look, and your tongue pushing into the waxed area to make it as tight as possible, this really isn’t a good photo opportunity!  with the other hand at the ready…..1,2……3…..GERONIMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   and with one flick of the wrist I had managed to remove all of 3 hairs and most of the skin from my top lip!!!!  WHAT THE F%&*K.     And with all the procrastinating I’ve now realised that i could seriously have ginger eyebrows too!!!!!!!!!    The worst of it is, I’ve only done one side of my lip…..i’ve now got to do the other side :-S   oh gawd………I am really going to need some balm and a lot of prayer to hope that this goes down.   Time taken - 20 mins

4. Paint toenails for a second time and file fingernails and then paint with base coat.  Pluck eyebrows.  Decide in my madness to tint eyelashes…..yes, myself….at home.    Oh and whilst i’m at it, I can put on a face pack!   time taken - yet again another 20 mins

And there you go, an hour or so gone, eaten up with frivolous nothings, but all essentials, and i haven’t even started to dry my hair, applied any make-up or put on a solitary item of clothing.   THAT is going to take another 2 hours……and then i have to clean my jewellery!  I can’t leave the house for a weekend away without knowing that my sparkles are sparkling……so there you have it……the secret rituals unveiled.

And what did ‘R’ do?  showered and dressed in 10 mins……couldn’t even be bothered to remove excess hair from ears!  

Men have it so damn easy.

ps. The arrival at Gods Waiting Room - The weekend away will follow shortly……ooooooh you really don’t want to miss this one!!!

Sulking Saturday……..

Saturday 14th June 2008

Today I received a letter and a bill which REALLY p’d me off big time.  Not a lot gets me really mad, but this one irked me to the core.   In the past I would have been on the phone to the company and reared up at them immediately….my mouth spouting off before my brain had time to engage, but this so incensed me that I actually pondered it…..something quite alien to me! Its a revelation.   However, its playing havoc with my stomach and my blood pressure and my internal heating, so, I’m fired up and ready for the world.

I was up at 6.30 which is really unheard of for me but I just couldn’t sleep. This has been on my mind all night….and THAT has annoyed me even more. Not content with upsetting my stomach, blood pressure, and heating…now i’ve had insomnia. 

How can you get a bill for a service you didn’t know you had and have been paying someone else for over the past 3 years! outrageous. I’ve written about 40 letters in my head and then sit down to write and they have all evaporated as quickly as my dreams do.  I’m sipping a double espresso but I’m shaking with so much adrenaline that i really don’t need a caffeine boost…..any more and my eyes will be bulging with the intensity and manic madness of Marty Feldman!

I’ve now written 2 letters…one is a ‘nice’ version and one isn’t! I’m going to sit on them both until Monday and decide which one to send….maturity eh!

Monday

Decided to send the ‘nasty’ letter but have to wait on information from a third party so it will still  have to wait……..best served cold eh

Wednesday

 I’m now spitting feathers at an email that I receive from ‘the’ company….did I receive the letter and ‘when’ will they receive their payment!!!!  

Oooooh I feel my blood pressure rising again and the signs aren’t good…….

 

Tried to make me go to rehab

9th June 2008

It’s been a very bizarre week. A week of losses and gains, highs and lows…..ups and downs……To be fair, there’s been more lows than highs but sometimes you have to have to be in complete darkness before you see the stars. God i’m getting philosophical in my old age….give me a pill quickly!

I arrived back from holiday to find a really nice letter from my bank informing me that I had incurred some unexpected bank charges….my own fault because I’d been very lapse in checking my statement and hadn’t noticed that i’d actually spent too much money!!! well its an easy mistake to make……champagne has that kind of effect on you… what is kind of hard to swallow is the fact that the thieving bastards wanted to take £30 per TRANSACTION thereafter off of me per month to a maximum £90 per month, which is absolutely outrageous, added to the fact that they took £180 out in the space of a week because obviously the two months coincide and i was then over my agreed overdraft……the result of me paying for the holiday from the wrong account!!! Very kindly and after much grovelling with my statements in hand, they refunded £60….but I am still £120 down with nothing to show….and that’s at least 2 bottles of champagne……ain’t life a bitch!!!

Due to this oversight and my lack of focus I had a flip…..2 days in darkness. Cold sweats and panic. Life needed a big rethink. So i’ve done that. I’ve disabled a Facebook account….actually i disabled both of them, but then after 36 hours of cold turkey, decided to keep the proper one….the ‘real’ one…turkey my arse….more like chicken!!! Anyway, I feel lighter, less encumbered by the demands and the hold that it had me under, its evil…very evil, and I am free from its clutches…well almost…… ‘They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said NO NO NO!!!!!’

I also lost my shrek legs this week thanks to an amazing friend who sent me some magic potion…….My once spongy legs, laden with water are now back to their slim and saggy former selves. Still not particularly attractive but MUCH more comfortable….oooh yessssssssss…..AND the Louboutins fit again although I still can’t walk in them!.

Another loss…..skin….by the bucket load My peeling is now peeling. I am very snake like in appearance in some areas and all I need now is the forked tongue of a snake to complete the metamorphosis…….come to think of it, it would be a very interesting talking point……oh and would also be an amazing sexual tool I would think. At this point I did a bit of research because I couldn’t find the word I was looking for. I don’t remember the words I typed into google but it opened a page on oral sex! Boy did it open my eyes, and made me giggle a lot too!!

Tongue Splitting

For most people tongue splitting is not going to make a major difference functionally unless the individual is already quite talented.

I’m settling for being talented and I’m not going to watch for the tongue splitting!

Saturday 7th June 2008

I’m feeling mischievous this morning. R was outside trimming the hedges. He was a man on a mission. My bedroom is at the front of the house and at ground floor. Now I don’t have the greatest body but I do have great boobs….admittedly they are better at night when they have been securely harnessed all day (ladies will understand this!) but I couldn’t resist……I pulled up the blinds and as he turned around I did a full frontal naked ‘jiggle’ at him!!! With hindsight I should have thought twice about doing it when he had a petrol hedge trimmer in full flow and one of the cats was lurking around….but this was only a minor problem. Of greater concern was Flitton & Greenfield ramblers or something like that, that just happened to be passing a few seconds into my full jiggle! I don’t think they reckoned on the eyeful they got…..nor did I….and R reminded me of the mirror wardrobes that are at the back of where i was standing….’I see the moon and the moon sees me!’

I’d already been shopping this week and had to do a mammoth shop with Lucy at skanky Tesco. God I HATE it. I was so reluctant but Lucy MADE me do it….she’s so bossy! Today I get to float around Waitrose at my leisure. I only wanted a few items…..a couple of frivolous bits that makes life worthwhile…..when I got to the cake and pastries counters. Now I don’t normally stop there because cakes just aren’t my thing (with the exception of malt loaf - sliced horizontally and lavishly buttered and eaten in one sitting!) but there were a new range of cakes that had me drooling. I stood there for nearly 15 minutes fondling (yes seriously) the cakes…..well the boxes. Pear and Chocolate (an all butter cake flavoured with pieces of soft sweet pear and dark Belgian chocolate, layered wth a chocolate sauce and a luxurious white chocolate ganache buttercream) or Chocolate & Cognac (A sumptuous all butter chocolate cake, laced with cognac, layered with chocolate and cognac buttercream ganache and hand decorated with chocolate curls)

Now, the dilemma was….

1. which one was I going to buy?

2. Which one had the most calories?

3. Which one would no one else like? (meaning more for me!)

and then the biggest question……….4. How the hell could this cake (these cakes) that had a diameter of approximately 8 inches serve 10 people, when a box that was identical in size held 4 fairy cakes??? thus 4 servings!! I ask you???? These cakes just needed to be cut into 4 pieces and be done with it! 10 servings!!! who are they kidding……are they serving leprechauns or fairies or little people or something? I’m a grown woman with curves that need filling.

Why do I not have many wrinkles at my age…..simple….they are filled with CAKE!!!

Oh and my little shopping trip…..£100 exactly. Not bad for a morning of frivolity….although there wasn’t a bottle of champers in sight. Nice cake tho!

(I bought the pear cake….Its fabulous and very rich but still needs cream on it

Red Lobster Thursday

29th May 2008

I didn’t move too far from the bedroom….well actually, not too far from the bed to be truthful.  The full force of the sun had rendered me stiff and useless.  Mad dogs and english women abound in this place…..and I had unwittingly added to the numbers (and there were only 8 mad dogs at the last count!)

I hurt so badly all over that I couldn’t pick out what part of my body was the worst….hmmm….come to think of it maybe the tops of my feet were?   no, i think my back might be….or my thighs…..no, I think it could be my calf’s……OMG my face!!!  I feel like i’ve had a face lift (don’t know what that actually feels like, never having had one…..but!) because my face is so unbelievably tight and sore…….Even my lips have swollen, and I have full lips anyway, but now i have a full trout pout……Bride of Wildenstein - YOU HAVE COMPETITION!

Not only was I stiff but i was pink.  BRIGHT pink/red.  and those bits that were now red were still burning and were beginning to blister.   Unbelievable considering I DIDN’T sit in the sun…..this is just from the sun bouncing around.     However, in defence of the sun, i do have quite a lot of skin and a large body, so it did have difficulty missing me!  

The tops of my feet are still burning, and I am sure that i have second degree burns…..if we were closer to a doctors i think someone should take a look.  Although they aren’t yet blistered, they are going to I’m sure.  i can’t bear anything to touch my skin at all, and i’m shivvering.  

I gingerly applied a gallon of aloe vera gel which is agony for me as the sensations in the scorched areas are all very heightened.  I’m stretched out naked on the bed, smothered head to toe in gel…..looking rather like a whale that’s just come through an oil slick and a thought enters my head………my discomfort pales into insignificance when thinking about burns victims and the fact that they have no choice in the matter, and what agony they must go through.  Its quite a sobering thought but doesn’t actually alleviate my own quiet agony….

I can’t go out tonight because I can’t walk….can’t put shoes on….can’t bear clothes on…..and feel sick.   So Rich goes out on his own and leaves me, which, again actually suits me……surprisingly….:-)  I like my own space, especially when i’m feeling low.

I really do look like a patchwork quilt again and I shall go home with a lovely colour……in places though!!!  

I’m reading a FANTASTIC book though, and can thoroughly recommend it.  Straight talking and actually quite life changing.   Called ‘Life’s too Fucking Short’ by Janet Street Porter.   Yes, her of buck teeth and strange accent…..and VERY opinionated.    However, I love her opinions…..I didn’t know I did until now but she talks such a lot of common sense that this book should be compulsory reading for everyone…….I insist that everyone buys it immediately!!!   My only criticism is that it’s aimed at women….I don’t know if she does a mens version but she should…..its a great read. 

If you’re a man….buy it, read it and just relate it to you…..don’t be irked that chapter one has a piece entitled ‘lifes too short to spend £100 on face cream’ ……you know that you’re a sucker for advertising just as much as we are!  AND real men use moisturiser too, so adapt the principles to suit and don’t be sexist about it!!!

Its a fantastically enjoyable read….very amusing……and no i’m not on commission…..although I think I may write the follow up

Aint over till the fat lady swings!

28th May 2008

I can’t wait for breakfast.  I don’t know what it is about being on holiday, but I just LOVE breakfasts!  I don’t actually care what it is (within reason), but to sit there for an hour or so and just talk about nothing and people watch over coffee with milk, croissants and fresh orange juice is just wonderful…..oh, and pain au chocolate ;-)………………………… but at this breakfast there is everything you could wish for, and the hot food is really hot and fresh (sausage, bacon, eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash brownies….omelettes to order)  and the fresh fruit is just that….very fresh.   There is a fantastic assortment of jams and conserves to put on the equally fantastic bread, roll and pastry selection….but obviously this selection isn’t quite enough for Douglas’s wife.   She produces her own pot of Harrods Apricot conserve…..I new that gal had class!

The weather is going to be good today.  Puffy white clouds dotted about a bright blue sky.  Its deceiving.  Its quite cool with the breeze and it reminds me of fuerteventura, and the only time that i have ever come home with a tan.  Usually I go bright red and very lobsterish!  I do try to stay out of the sun as much as possible due to the ‘blueness’ of my skin.  Only a few minutes exposure can leave me sore and blistered so i  try to keep out of the sun at all costs and smother myself in P20 lotion.

We head down for the beach…..almost 9 kms of pure golden sands with just a handful of people.  This really is a hidden gem of an Island.  In a couple of years I guess that it won’t quite be the same, but for now i’m enjoying the moment :-)   We pick a spot and are armed with a sunbrella/parasol that are given out of courtesy by the hotel, after all, the only people here on this part of the beach are from our resort.    I don my ipod once again, and decide to go for a stroll….alone. 

Whilst strolling along the beach I have a few moments of what is pure heaven…the closest that you can get to paradise.   The cool water is lapping at my feet, from the corner of my eye and out to sea is a clipper with its rigging up….beautiful and majestic…in front of me is the golden sands, stretching as far as the eye can see with not a soul in sight……and then my moment…..as if there is a ‘bigger plan’ my ipod randomly plays Nella Fantasie, with Russell Watson singing.   Its the icing on the cake.  The song was a favourite of my mothers and was played at her funeral.  Although it stirs sad sadness, it also fills me with emotion and as the suns rays beat down on my back, and the brightness hits my face, I feel as though my mother is with me…….its a wonderful moment and I feel ALIVE and free……

                                                                                                                   

 

In the resort grounds there are some fabulous hammocks that look soooooo inviting.   Hmmmm…..to lay there swinging gently in the light breeze and sipping on the occasional mojito……….on the way back from the beach I start to make my way over to one of the hammocks, just to have a little swing…….when two rather large women beat me to it!!  Still….It ain’t over till the fat lady swings ;-)     I’m just waiting for the creak of the hammock and then the crack to appear………………..bad thought….very bad thought….but it would be amusing and poetic justice!

I’m paying dearly for my bad thoughts……to say i’m glowing is the understatement.  The ready brek kid has nothing on me……I look like i’ve been near to a nuclear reactor.  Oh this is hurting…..really hurting.   My feet are swelling and they look very hobbit like!  Those Louboutins are just not going to fit in a million years…….i’m going to need designer slippers at this rate…..My feet won’t even fit into my trusty old birkenstocks and that’s saying something

A Sharks Tale

27th May 2008

Its raining.   Not the heavy big blobs of rain but the light drizzly rain….wet rain…..the kind that soaks you.  Funny that.   Amazing too apparently, because in Porto Santo they have very little rain….maybe only a couple of times a month.  Bloody typical that it happens to be the first day of our holiday!  Although, no matter where Rich and I go, it rains.   I think it may be a good idea for us to go to the sahara…..it could be a phenomenon!!!

Usually when we holiday, we do very little, and food isn’t that important to us at the best of times….but we do like to eat where the locals eat, and as they do.   Normally we have a good breakfast, then skip lunch and perhaps have a light evening meal.   For some, food is THE highlight of the holiday….and LOTS of it.   As we soon find out…:-)  Now me, I’d rather have the drink than the food….funny eh…..

We take a taxi into the City.  God knows why its called ‘City’ because it certainly doesn’t have a cathederal, and there are no more than 20 shops maximum…of which we actually only found about 5 that were open.  They sold what i know to be ‘tat’.   Who on earth wants to buy wooden dolphins, china thimbles, candles shaped like a water lily…..oh and a ‘dream catcher’ !!!????  For such a small island with very little tourism, I am surprised at the lack of local market or indeed handicrafts……I’m sure there would be an opening for suchlike…..maybe there’s a business opportunity here for me!

Lunch is looming and Daniels tummy is roaring rather than rumbling…..he needs feeding….NOW.  Although the restaurant (cafe) looked quite unnassuming from the outside, it was quite busy with ‘locals’ inside, and the smells were delighful.  It was promising.  

Daniel is a real ’foodie’  he adores cooking and they eat out….a lot.  He knows and uses ingredients that i have only read about.  Holly was bought up eating unusual foods.  I’ve never known a child to be so unfussy with her food.   At the age of 18 months old, she would happily munch her way through a plate of olives and parma ham!  both are an aquired taste at any age…..but not for Holly….she’s an amazing child and a delight to have around.  A credit to both Daniel and Vickie. 

There were only 2 waitresses and they moved with the speed of a sloth.  The menu was completely in portuguese so there was no way on earth that we stood a chance of understanding anything other than Pesce or Carne (fish or meat!).   The sum total of the 6 of our knowledge.  it was going to be an ‘interesting’ lunch at best

Eventually waitress no.1 dragged herself away from a local table and took our order for drinks.  That was nearly it when she gestured whether or not we were eating, and Richard managed to say ‘No’!!!!   At the point she turned to flee quickly to the kitchen, I realised she had misunderstood and called her back….VERY fortunately!   Obscurely, she couldn’t actually take our order…..waitress no. 2 had to do that…..jobsworth even reaches a little island of 9 miles x 7 miles!

Waitress no. 2 brings out 2 large plates of parma ham, a plate of cheese, some marinated beans in olive oil and LOTS of garlic…..and then 2 large baskets of scrummy hot garlic bread…….none of which we had ordered!   I think this is normal, but i’m not sure???? 

After questioning the waitress on some of the dishes, we are ready to order.   Daniel orders fish soup for starters with sea bream as a main dish.  Holly, Vickie and Rich order omelettes and Jane and I just order starters.   Vickie orders a portion of chips as an extra.   

Now, what they omitted to tell us was just the amount of food that was going to come out.  No joking here, but our table resembled the last supper!   The waitresses sniggered as they bought out the dishes.  The omelettes had chips and savoury rice as accompaniments….oh and a HUGE platter of salad…oh and the extra chips…….which was fortuitous in a way as our starters were awful, but you can’t win them all :-(    Daniels fish soup was pretty much, an ocean in a bowl!  Not entirely sure on the fish contents, we jibed him that it was shark!    It was an enormous serving dish full of fish and vegetables and would have been enough to have served all six of us…..and after finishing that lot, he then started on his main dish…..a WHOLE sea bream, served on a platter with potatoes and vegetables.  Again, enough to have served 4/6 easily.   The sniggering waitresses were still laughing when they collected the dishes…..shaking their heads in disbelief that anyone could have finished the soup, let alone one person!   she should have seen what was to come on subsequent days!!!!

       

Did we have dessert.  Of course!  I didn’t eat a lot, just half an omelette and some salad, so i could indulge :-)   I’d already spotted them on the way in, and after all, you just simply HAVE to have a dessert!  it was fantastic…..like a creme caramel but in a flan.  Hmmmm, I could eat it now but i have to make do with the cashew nuts i’m munching through whilst typing away :-(   much less messy but not nearly as divine!

And yes, we still ate out in the evening too!!!

Come fly with me……

26th May 2008

‘Oh thank God…I HATE children’ she proclaims….loudly.  For all to hear, around and about.  She reminds me of the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Rubbing her hands in glee, and with a tell tale glint in her eye.  She’s a mean woman…close little beady eyes, thin lips and badly permed hair……the tell tale signs are there.   I smiled, smuggly.  Boy, was she in for a surprise!

The child catcher and her long suffering husband took their seats next to Rich.   His face told the whole story of their life together.  He was defeated.  Like George and Mildred, Hyacinth and Richard, Mrs Thatcher and Dennis….yin and yang…..maybe the perferfect couple?  Her bum had barely touched the seat before she decided that she ought to use the toilet.  People were still boarding, and she couldn’t give a damn….her need was greater.    She barged her way past the oncoming passengers with such indifference, that I thought not only are men from mars and women are from venus….but this woman was from Uranus….full of gas and up her own arse and removed from the rest of civilisation (well if she wasn’t she damn well should be)  Over the next couple of days my thoughts were reinforced as her mood didn’t soften when she moaned constantly at every opportunity. 

Then it started.   Demon child had been an angel for the 20 minutes we were boarding.  Now we were sat on the runway and had been delayed, it had awoken with a vengeance.  Demon child was seated directly behind child catcher….how unfortunate (said whilst laughing in a horror movie kind of cackle :-))))))  It had the kind of shriek that went through to your very core…the kind of noise that is akin to the screech you get when you hear fingernails on a chalkboard.  irritating and sickening to say the least. 

Although it was annoying, the child was only a year old and you have to make allowances for teething, poohey nappies, poorly tummies etc.  Child catcher didn’t, and moaned under her breath for nearly 3 whole hours, whilst demon child wailed for  said 3 whole hours!!!   I had my ipod….but,  being nosey I had to keep taking one earplug out to listen to child catchers moans!  so amusing.  At one point, she stuffed tissues into her ears.  It would have been more useful had she stuffed the tissues into her mouth

In front of Richard was Douglas and his wife.   They are an elderly couple, maybe in their late 70’s.   Douglas doesn’t remember getting on the plane…he was in his own world.  I’m sure it was a wonderful place and he was very happy there!   In his day he was a ladies man.  He attempted his old chat up lines with the stewardesses, that smiled sweetly and pacified him with pleasantries.  His wife was rather sweet but she wears the trousers.  I think she’s of german descent and is obviously a strong woman.  She’s still very elegant, well groomed and well dressed.  Discreetly wealthy, although Douglas is dishevelled….but he doesn’t care……Fabulous attitude!

He reclines his seat, covers his eyes with his eye mask and puts a blanket over himself.  He’s VERY comfortable and ready for his transatlantic flight…..only its not….it’s only a 3 hour flight, and we’re already 2 hours into it and we’ve had our meal!

I’m so glad he’s comfortable….Richard isn’t….he can barely move.   Douglas’ seat is inches from Richards face!

Demon child is still screaming and child catcher is still moaning…..oh, and where am I???   I’m not quite sure how the checking agents managed it, although I wasn’t about to complain :-)  we checked in together and were early but weren’t seated together.  We were sat either side of the aisle.  It suited me just fine, especially now!….my travelling companions were a lovely couple, although i did wonder if they would think the same of me…..time to turn up the ipod and hone my humming.  Nothing quite like hearing the base of someones else’s R ‘n’ B music……and their out of tune humming along with it

Pride comes before a fall….oh yes!!!

17th May 2008

It’s always a dilemma for me…heels or not?  My knees are so bad that I know that I really shouldn’t attempt to totter around London on 3inch heels, but when you are ‘lunching’ you REALLY can’t wear timberlands and jeans….its just not the done thing dahling!  you just never know who you may bump into.  After all….Carrie et al are in town (Sex and the City!)

I really did hum and aah, about what exactly to wear for comfort and in the end opted for what I, in my mature wisdom deemed to be appropriate attire……not too high…not too dressy for daytime, but would still look good in the evening….high black, slim fitting boots.   A very good choice.  Teamed with a very slim…very tight black pencil skirt, black jumper (a la Jayne Mansfield!!!) and my favourite sassy little swing back, yellow jacket.   I think it looks striking and chic but i’m sharply bought back to earth with the frightening reality that I could actually look like a large bumble bee, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window at the station.  ‘A glimpse is more revealing than a stare’    How bloody true!!! 

At the station I miss the train by minutes due to the dodgy knee crisis, and have 15 minutes to wait for the next one, so decide that i’ll have a coffee and ‘brunch’…..a yummy bag of healthy seeds….oooh, don’t want to spoil my lunch now do I!  I’m complimented by the very nice young man serving “If only I was 20 years older” he quips as i’m about to leave….yes, in your dreams….5 is more like it.   He’s much closer to my age than he’s admitted….well either that, or he really hasn’t worn too well.   Now I come to think of it, maybe his compliment was too much of a compliment after all…..DAMN!!

Why is everything more complicated for me?  Is it just me?  I just have to get to Waterloo station.  I have 90 minutes to get there.  Should be ample time.  Well it should have been if I hadn’t got on the wrong tube!!  well not actually the wrong tube, but the wrong direction. I didn’t actually realise that the Northern line went in two directions from where I had to get on it….and I was busy listening to the Zutons at the time and completely disorientated and had gone 3 stops more than necessary before actually noticing!   I did get some quite odd stares as i was stuffing my ipod into my bra.  Well there’s nowhere else to put it and its hardly going to fall out of there, and it does fit very snuggly ;-)   That was after using the reverse of it as a mirror to apply more lipgloss……..I’m such a tart at times…lol!!!      Oh it was a nightmare.  I had to get of at Euston station and then get on the bloody Northern line again.  You would think there would only be ‘one’ nothern line…..but no…..it splits into 2…..

Had it not have been for this act of ridiculous engineering on the part of London Transport….I would actually have been on time.   As it was, I was late.  Again.  40 minutes to be precise.  There were steps…..lots of steps….and I don’t do steps :-( 

We had a luke warm glass of wine at Waterloo, served in a plastic wine glass….apparently we were lucky to get it in a wine glass at all.  Previously it had been served in a half pint glass….plastic too.  Nice.  You just can’t beat the class you get at a British Rail station….they could teach those french a thing or two…..

It was the taxi drivers fault that we ended up at the Jumeirah Cadogan Hotel.  He suggested that we went to the bar there and had cocktails before lunch because we should see the floor in the bar.  What kind of girls did he take us for!!!  Anyway we took his advice but then realised he was obviously on some kind of backhander…..the ‘bar’ wasn’t actually open.  Although the restaurant was….for champagne!!!!!   oh yessssssssssss   2 bellinis and 2 pink champagnes please……downed in no time.   God knows what we talked about, but I’m not sure whether Dawn actually got a word in!    It appeared that we were the only Europeans in this hotel…..It also appeared that we were the only ones having any fun too!   

Motcombs is a short stroll away and I was assured that the food there was fantastic…..oooh thank God for that because its now 5.30 and I’m feeling a bit squiffy to say the least!  We had to walk past Christian Louboutin and it would have been a sin not to go in…….I lovingly caressed most of the shoes….actually, if i could have got away with licking the patent ones i think i might have had a go…..they ooozed sexiness.   But i’ve never been arrested, and I wasn’t about to go into that fantasy world right now…..although, hmmm…sexy policeman in uniform….mischief springs to mind!!  Maybe…just maybe!!  Bad girl…VERY bad ;-)  Now I do have a sexy policeman friend….I think I might just have to give him a call…………………………………………………………………………………….

Made it out of the shop in one piece, with no shoes in my bag…purse still intact and tongue still in my mouth!  Motcombs is opposite…..pink champagne awaits!   There’s a fantastic group of people outside, singing and laughing and having fun.  Its really funny to watch them, especially one of them as she’s so drunk and is having difficulty walking straight but is so desperately trying to be correct and remain dignified!  

At 7.00 pm  we decide to go to Harvey Nicholls restaurant and get some food….for lunch!!!   I’m very drunk now…..I’m trying to walk straight and remain dignified.

We never made it to the restaurant.   We only made it to the bar.  More champagne.  MUCH more.  We joined the table to our left and met some fantastic people.  It was one of the guys birthdays….MORE champagne!  followed by shots…..oh god, i want to die now…..   I’m having such fun though….. Whilst I am seated.   Standing is another matter completely……ooooh noooooo…..

Eventually we left the bar at 12.15 pm.  I am totally and absolutely skint….I have spent all of my cash on champagne!  Nightmare scenario now unfolding before me….

We walk to the underground station, only to find that they are closed!!  what’s happening…why are they closed!  So we hail a taxi….It was going to take me to St Pancras station, however, I have no cash…So, the taxi driver was going to turf me out!   Lesson no.1…don’t tell him when I get in!  I should have kept my mouth shut, but i’m too honest for my own good…..i thought i could give him my body or my debit card….he wouldn’t take either…. mind you…who would blame him!   with hindsight I could have got cash out at the station, but i was in no fit state to think, and well, he was a bloke….so i’ll excuse him (I apologise for my sterotyping to the nice genuine ones that read this….you know who you are

So Dawn gets in and we take the cab to Waterloo, where I can then get a tube back to St Pancras (the same nightmare journey at the beginning :-).   I’m saying my goodbyes and Dawn spots a guy heading towards the Northern line….”excuse me…would you mind looking after my friend and making sure she gets to the Northern line please”  she asks.    Julian was his name.   A very nice young man….nice looking….safe.  I felt comfortable.  Well to be honest, I couldn’t have judged jack the rippers character at that point because i couldn’t actually see straight let alone walk straight.    My knees were agony.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED…………………………………..

in an effort to keep up with Julian, who seemed to be on a marathon run, I fell down the stairs.  Onto my bad knee.  cutting my hand and breaking my nails, my ankle buckled and falling flat onto my knee…..oh not good….really really not good.   I got up, dusted myself down and hobbled alone to the train.  Julian had disappeared.    Leaving me with a prophetic sentence ringing in my ears “remember to get off at Warren Street”  WHY??   I didn’t need to get off there?   

I sat on the tube wanting to cry, with a bleeding hand, but more mortified that I had broken my nails!  These are MY nails….not some stick on, fake, acrylic things….home grown with love and attention….and now i’d left half of them at Waterloo station.  I was gutted :-(     Very bizarrely, but when I’d left to go to London, I’d packed a couple of sticking plasters….never usually do…but I did today.  Thank God because I needed them for my hand

I got off at Warren Street as i was told, and then it became clear….the wise words of Julian.   The Northern Line.  This is where you had to get on the Northern Line.  Only you didn’t at this time of night!  No trains…just buses…I had to go up, yet more bloody stairs to catch a bus.  Either the no.10 or 79.  Its now 12.39.  

I tried to call home but my phone has now completely died….I have no money.  If I miss the 1.06 train, I am stranded here till 7.00 pm….I’m really not liking whats unfolding before me!!!    I’m almost in tears.  There is a lovely guy that i’m having a conversation with who is also waiting for the same bus.  He’s going off to a club till 7.00 am…..so he says “oh never mind…if you miss your train, you can come to the club with me”  which although i don’t know him, i find quite comforting and very sweet in my hour of need……human kindness…… Aaahhh

The bus arrives….and i’m kind of concerned that i’m not going to recognise St Pancras, after all, i never usually enter in on a bus.   I never enter anywhere on a bus….but desperate needs etc etc…..

Surprisingly I did recognise the station…even in my drunken state……My knight in shining armour and I alight the bus together, I am stood there getting my bearings and then turn around to see his little legs running for dear life like a frightened rabbit darting from headlights as he legs it in the direction of Angel and ‘the club’……although the memory of his tight jean clad little bottom is firmly imprinted in my memory bank……run little rabbit…..run!

So much for human kindness eh!   I’m stranded again, but at least I’m at the station. 

It doesn’t look like the station that I normally come into but i’ve come into a different entrance obviously.  I am quickly heartned by the large board that announces in bright orange neon lights, that there is a train at 1.47….oh yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss   I am not stranded…..I could cry again.   Actually I feel like dancing now.   If I could have called someone to tell them the news I would have.

Walking to the train I passed a group of 5 or 6 young guys doing that thing little boys do at wedding receptions…..running along and then skidding to a halt by falling on their knees  They were having a lot of fun whilst waiting the 20 minutes for the train to depart.  There may only actually have been 2 of them…but there appeared to be 5 or 6!  They beckoned ME to join them!!!   AND do you know, that even after the fall I actually thought that I might have a go!!!  

I’m 46…in 4 weeks I’m due to have a knee replacement operation and I’ve just fallen down the stairs very badly on that knee…..and now i’m considering this boys game.   Champagne has a lot to answer for!!! 

I desperately wanted to sleep on the train but i wasn’t going to be allowed to.  We..the passengers…were treated to a full rendition of a full musical repertoire from the majority of the major London theatre musicals by a group of young adults.   It was very entertaining.  But I needed sleep.   I did surprise them though.  Someone shouted “who’s been smoking weed?”  I can smell it…..and I put my hand up!!!     They were all in hysterics…..I just don’t look the sort ;-)    Actually it would have been the cheaper option me thinks….lol

Arrival at the station.   OMG.   No money….no phone…..no brain….

I forgot to say about the brain.  I think that nice bum guy stole that when he did a runner, because that was the last time i remember using it…..now it seems to have gone completely.   Instead of walking down the steps at the station, in my wisdom and fuelled by rocket fuel and numbness I took the only option available to me.   I walked the last 3 miles home.   I arrived home at 4.00 am.   

SUNDAY

I didn’t get out of bed all day…..I couldn’t move.  Can’t walk. 

 

SUNDAY a week later….NOW…….Still in agony with knee.  Should have had more champagne in the week to dull the sensation!

Diva Dance….take your seats….

12th May 2008

Today is going to be GREAT. I don’t know why but I feel it in my bones. I’m going to accomplish a lot today….which is going to come as a great surpise to those around me because i’m usually languishing in a hot office looking like i’m working hard, when in fact I’m actually playing around on Facebook, Ebay or anything else that wastes huge amounts of time in an effort to distract my attention from getting anything done…..much like blogging to be honest!

I’ve had a bad few days….apathy, lethargy, misargy (okay i know its not a word but I like it and it works!)…anyway, a lot of ‘gy’s’…..far too many. I don’t like having no structure. I’m no good without a plan. I’m no good not under pressure. And i’ve not been under pressure for a LONG time, although I feel the pressure rising and a change HAS to come. Its not going to be nice, but it’s inevitable everything changes doesn’t it.

So…..today……whats going to make today GREAT? I don’t know yet……but i’m up early and i’m bright and switched on. Hmmm…come to think of it, its the first morning for weeks that i’ve had an espresso!! damn, thats where i’ve been going wrong!!! Better go and find Mr James Brown, I feel a song coming on…..and I’m naked….AGAIN…Woohoo…..I FEEEEEL GOOOOOD NA NA NA…LIKE I KNEW THAT I WOOOOOULD….I FEEL NICE…LIKE SUGAR AND SPICE!!!!!!

Oh YEAH!!!

OMG….revelation……I’ve just come in and my neighbours will think I’m raving mad. If they’ve seen me that is…. who cares!! I’ve just found Mr James Brown and a few others…(T Rex..Katrina and the Waves…Jackson 5) and had a 10 minute dance in the garden under the willow tree. NAKED!! oh yessssssss…….so liberating. I Wonder what they’ll make of the purple pubic hair, glistening in the morning sun…although, i suspect a couple could be walking around with stiff necks tomorrow

I know i look funny….frankly my dear ‘I don’t give a damn’! - My body moves in a different rhythm to the music….and i’m sure i don’t move in a graceful way like the woman moving on the tales from the unexpected trailer, writhing naked. I’m quite sure i look more like i’m contorteded in pain…..but i’m lost in my world…and I’m really happy there right at that moment (Just don’t send for an ambulance just yet! )

The dogs are hiding in shame. They’ll never recover

If the sun shines tomorrow, i’m doing it all again……The Purple Diva Dances Again….take your seats!!!