Whatever is in the water at that pool, I don’t know, but I’m sure that my breasts take on a whole new appearance….I kid you not, but they appear as if someone has pumped them up like a couple of  inflatable balls and this week…OMG…they were almost coming up to my chin!   The effects of the pool are bad enough but I had bought a new swimsuit from M & S too.    I was persuaded to buy it because it has a proper underwired bra in it (so much nicer for big girls) and also ‘tummy control’.   My God, has it got its work cut out with me then!  My theory (after today, and carefully worked out en route home…) is that the elastic tummy control panel is engineered in such a way that the panelling moulds everything upwards……..including my already voluptuous assets. If you are small breasted, this would be great, but with ample assets of a Diva…hmmmm I think your eyes pop out…literally!

New Swimsuit. This bears no likeness to how this looks on ME! Purely for illustative purposes only

As I sat wallowing in what has now become known as ‘champagne corner’ (its my ‘resting’ corner…..) because it has a single air vent blowing bubbles a la champagne style…you could hardly call it a Jacuzzi.  It also has its name because I do very little there except sit and chat and think about drinking champagne! I think its incredibly mean of the NHS not to provide a little afternoon delight in some form or another, and champagne or mojito time would definitely aid the healing process…and of course spur on the hydro session

Self inflating Diva!

They’d all be up for it….especially that James. James is one of the therapists too. Very quiet, lovely Irish James…BUT….I think James is really quite wicked and has a dark little streak. It was the glint in his eye that twinkled during a brief bit of banter about a session in the pool with balls….and cracking the whip! Hmmm…innocence my arse. They say the quiet ones are the worse. I’m going to have to keep a close eye on James!! He’s in cahoots with Peter I think…..or maybe Peter is leading him astray……

I missed last weeks water play due to ‘R’ having an unfortunate accident and landing up at the A & E department.   I wondered how much quieter it was in my forced absence, however, from what I understand after today’s session, I don’t think the mayhem was much alleviated by the disappearing Diva because its not really me that causes it…its that Peter!!!

So, I finish my session today and despite my intention of being a quickie…its still an hour (its supposed to be 20 mins).  There are 2 showers located adjacent to the pool, but in the aisle. They have just a shower curtain as the ‘door’ but its never worried me in the past…….. I always take my towel, toiletries etc with me to the pool so that I don’t have to go back to the changing room. So, I go to the first shower. Last time I was there this one wasn’t working, however….Peter had used it before getting into the pool today, so I knew it was okay…..

…… I turn on the shower…..and strip off…NAKED…(bright pink pubic hair glowing) and wait for the water to warm up. I step in and it is FFFFFFFFreeeeezing!!!!!!! Despite being on the highest setting, the water is barely one tepid.     OMG, I shrieked.          Barbara who sorts out the appointments comes running, thinking something terrible has happened….pulls back the curtain and there is me naked!!!

So she gets a full eyeful!   Poor Barbara, doesn’t know where to look, and is fiddling around with the control and turns it colder, which I didn’t think was possible!! The few people in the pool can hear the commotion…Barbara is getting wetter and I’m freezing, and still naked.   Reluctantly we gave up and resolved ourselves to the fact there was a problem and that maintenance would need to be called.   So I washed off the remaining shower gel with icy cold water, and wrapped my towel around my now blue skin, and rubbed vigorously in an attempt to get some blood flowing to warm me!

As I poked my head around the corner, I could see Peter laughing cheekily…….WHODUNNIT!

Mondays child is fair of face.

Tuesdays child is full of grace.

Wednesdays child is full of woe.

Thursdays child has far to go.

Fridays child is loving and giving.

Saturdays child works hard for a living.

But a child that is born on the Sabbath day is bonny, blith, good and gay.

Actually, I was born on a Sunday so it seems pretty irrational that I have an affinity for Tuesdays, but trust me on this, Tuesdays are THE next big thing and Fridays are just so passé now!

Monday -  Well, I’ve yet to meet anyone that’s excited by a Monday. Whether its just peer pressure or learned behaviour over time. EVERYONE hates Mondays….including Bob Geldoff, whom you would have thought was a kind of Monday guy. He never really has much drive in his voice normally and yet when he is angry or passionate about something, you know it! He typifies Mondays for me. Of course there’s always Victor Meldrew…….

Tuesday -  THE day. It’s a day of hope and life. You have got the dreaded Monday out of the way and can actually get on with something and be productive. It’s fresh, exciting and vibrant. Tuesdays are like a Spring day. You feel quite renewed and ready to tackle anything. The drudgery of Monday is behind you. Is a quirky day….a bit unique….the far side. Don’t go with the flow and stick with Fridays as THE day….be yourself. That’s what it is for me.

Wednesday – By Wednesday you are now beginning to wind down. It’s the halfway point in the week and you are beginning to subtly switch off and do less.  Friday is in sight.

Thursday – You might as well not bother getting out of bed! Terrible day. Either you have switched off totally, because Friday is SO close and you are winding down for that, or you are frantic thinking ‘oh my God, where has my week gone and I’ve got nothing done!’ and you end up working ridiculously late to finish something for a deadline so that you can coast into Friday…Dread THE Thursday!

Friday – A lot of fuss about nothing. A day that has a lot riding on it but without substance. You’ve struggled through your week in order to get here and for what??? To enjoy maybe 2 or 3 hours at the of the day……If you’re lucky!!! IT’S FAR TOO SHORT!!!

By Friday afternoon you are totally non productive anyway, and the rule of EVERYDAY, is that you always get more work done in the last hour of the day, no matter how you’ve spent your day. Might as well only work one hour a day and make it from 4-5.….oh, and preferably on a Tuesday!

Saturday – A reluctant day. Possibly involving MORE work than you’ve done all week. If you have family then it’s a day for them, so you could end up doing things reluctantly for their enjoyment other than your own. Alternatively, its always a great day to start a project that you know is always going to remain 95% done, because the last 5% just doesn’t seem worth doing…..or maybe its just me! Of course, this assumes that you are actually in the real world on this day. If you’ve crammed so much alcohol into those last few hours of Friday night, you may just have to spend all day in bed. Not that it’s ever happened to me of course…I’ve been told about it

Sunday – A day of rest….yeah rite! Sundays should be croissants, coffee, brunches, Sunday lunches, a walk in the park with the dogs….ice creams, lazy afternoons with friends a the pub. Hmmm…how many times does it actually happen though? Mostly, you spend the day washing, doing the garden, cooking, going to DIY superstore …..and then slump in front of TV to watch Antiques Roadshow with a cup of tea and slice of Battenberg……dreading the thought of Monday!!!!

So, take heed of my words….TUESDAY is THE next big thing….you heard it here first….OKAY!!!

Keeping abreast

I’m not sure whether Yegs, my therapist was really ready for me in the hydro pool! I LOVE going to hydrotherapy. Despite that fact that it renders me useless and in terrible pain for days afterwards, I LOVE it. It’s the people that make it fun though. I’m a shy retiring type of girl….hmmm……so, in the pool we (Yegs and I) have a LOT to talk about….and laugh about! She’s such a lovely girl, but such a cow to me!!! In the nicest possible way that therapists are. Making me do things with my legs that both they and I are incredibly reluctant to do. I pull a face and try the whimsical look of innocence which says ‘please don’t let this hurt me’….but she has none of it, and makes me do it anyway!!

My breasts seem to have become the subject of much discussion just lately though….damn, and I never thought that anyone had noticed! Thank God I am well trimmed and don’t wear a white swimsuit or ‘la Diva’s’ colour preference would REALLY give them something to talk about!!!

I know that they are ‘out there’ and that they’re large, but I’ve kind of grown into them now, so I don’t notice them…until that is I had to buy a new bra or 5 to be exact, and discover that I’ve increased cup size by 3 sizes! (you have to buy several colours and briefs to match…it’s a requirement when you enter a lingerie shop ) Hydro is working something, if not my knees!!!

So….there we were in the pool, Yegs and I, and she puts a ‘float’ on my foot….at which point this then counterbalances me (should be unbalances me really!) and I begin to float off backwards. A remark is made that ‘you’re never going to drown with those!!!’ and MUCH laughter ensued! Peter raised his eyebrows and smiled, not sure that he had overheard the conversation correctly….but it did appear to put him off his exercises. So that was my introduction to Peter.

He’s a lovely, funny guy. Recovering from a motorbike accident where someone tried to kill him, by reversing into him. I kid you not…. So, for fun, Peter has made it his sole purpose of his hydro sessions to poke fun at me and banter!! All in a really lovely ‘fun’ way though, and I wouldn’t be offended in the slightest. Although he did come close this week when he said ‘have you noticed how the therapists are all so much thinner than us’ !!!! Oi!! You speak for yourself…..the water magnifies things!   Well, that’s my excuse. Which I thought was working until today!

Tuesday is hydro day.

I do have another reason to LOVE Tuesdays but a girl just has to keep some things close to her chest…….or breasts

(yes i’m aware it’s Wednesday when posting this blog, but as you know….I’m late for everything )

There was a time when I regularly used to drink 4 litres of water per day. Yes, I’m not exaggerating, seriously 4 litres! How on earth I could have consumed this amount, is today quite beyond me. It was whilst dieting…oh what a surprise for you all, a woman that diets! It is a hideous amount and far beyond the bounds of ‘normality’, however, it was all for the good of a ‘lighter life’. This was also supplemented with 3 equally scrumptious ‘meals’ of yet more liquid in the form of soup or milk shake. Hmmm….milk shake…the term should be used very loosely.   Trades Descriptions might have a field day on that score…Starbucks frappuccino this definitely isn’t!   However, that said, the total effect of water logging after 100 days (the sign up period) was a weight loss of 3 ½ stones, so I really shouldn’t complain too much. It did what it said, and a bit that it didn’t say… my hair falling out and bad breath!  Since that time I have now gained 1 ½ stones and every day I think…hmmm…more water needed fat cow!   But I struggle with it (the water, not being a fat cow!) The most I seem to manage now is a measly 1 litre at best. Tea, coffee and other soft drinks aren’t counted into the liquid intake quota….purely water.

HOWEVER….as soon as night falls and I am fast asleep….HELLOOOOOOO WAKEY WAKEY…Drinky poo time! My body goes into a state that I can only describe as ‘stranded in a desert’ mode…and my tongue is akin to that of a cat, and is firmly stuck to the roof of my mouth. So, every night, without fail I swig my way through 750ml of water, which I drink as though my life depended upon it. I do have a rather lovely water decanter and glass to use, but my vial of choice is straight from the bottle…like a baby sucking hungrily from its mother. I don’t like the plastic bottles, they aren’t pretty, they don’t look nice at the side of the bed, but I don’t spill them anymore!   Now, when you suck heavily on a plastic bottle, they crinkle very quickly and make a loud cracking noise. But not last night…….. Oh no. Last night, well approximately 3.30am this morning when I eventually went to bed (excitement can be so annoying) I needed drink. I started vigorously sucking at the bottle, and as I let go…..it ‘popped’. Not a discreet little ‘pop’ as it sounds but a fuck off BANG like someone firing a starting pistol!! ‘R’ sat bolt upright in bed thinking we were under attack…..poor little Lily backflipped off the end of the bed in her haste to get the intruder, Maddie appeared at the door with her tail between her legs, cowering and wanting comfort, but Reggie that had been asleep on the floor of the ensuite, could barely lift his eyes, let alone his head!

I shall have to adapt my sucking method to a more genteel style in future……

OMG…I can’t honestly believe that the last time that I actually blogged it was JANUARY!   I know that I kept saying that I was going to do it, but I was busy….honest guv.    Busy doing what I’m not actually sure, but these days everything  just takes SO much longer.

Not only that, but I have now become invisible…..strange but true…….

You might have noticed that I am a woman   I am incredibly feminine, I love to smell nice, look good, feel good…I love beautiful things, I’m very tactile….I’m irritable for a fraction of the day (of course that’s when I’m asleep!) oh, and did I mention that I quite like to shop?   Well, maybe I should say that I ‘did’ like to shop, in days gone by, pre-knee problems.   I don’t do quite so much of it now, but when I do, I know what I like and I don’t actually like to compromise much (irritable!) because I don’t see why I should (cantakerous too!)   So, there I am nonchalantly wandering through John Lewis’s.  I like that shop.  You can pretty much buy everything under one roof.  Note the pretty much everything, because there are some things that I like to buy that the John Lewis Partnership simply wouldn’t dare to have disgrace their stores!  Shame  (it would make it so much easier on my knees not to have to walk to other shops……)

Anyway, as always I digress…..I was walking through the store and this coat literally jumps out at me.  I’m not joking….it attacked me.  Visually of course.  What else did you think?  Some animatronic mannequin attacking shoppers in John Lewis..pah!  Now Harvey Niks I could believe….but Lewis’s NEVER.

I lovingly caress the coat…stroke it….smell it (don’t you all smell new fabric?)….look how wonderfully its been made….try it on (fit is perfect OF COURSE).    I know that I already have in the region of 10 -12 coats and possibly more…but I don’t have a black and white spotted one, that is so THIS SEASON Dahling!   I WANT the coat.  But I don’t ‘need’ it.   This isn’t usually a problem I have to deal with in my psyche.  I don’t usually weigh this up, so maturity is a bloody heavy burden to me.  I’m not liking it too much.   So what’s the problem? ……

It’s ‘R’s birthday….THIS is the problem.  I am in said shop with sole purpose of purchasing an appropriate gift for R.

Reluctantly, and with a heavy heart, I step away from the coat and make my way to the electrical department….Oh I can feel the joy just coming back into my life with every step I take.

‘R’ wants a digital photo frame.  Bloody typical.  The one that I researched in depth and decided upon, they don’t have in stock…aaaaggghhh…..so I have to take the 7 inch one and not the 8inch one.   I could have had 10 inches apparently but the young (20 ish) male sales assistant assured me that there was no difference in quality with the additional inches…I gave a ‘ knowing look’ over my glasses and said ‘Oh but I beg to differ!’   It made my purchasing experience so much ‘more’………and went off with a smile.  Leaving a red faced assistant!

Fast forward a week.

‘R’ wasn’t pleased I got the 7 inch frame….had to return it.   John Lewis still had none in stock of the 8 inch so I got a refund.  Had a little peruse through ladies wear….underwear, shoes, handbags……COATS!!!!!!!!!

Guess what????   MY COAT HAS BEEN REDUCED!!!!  WOO HOO!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS  I knew I had a ‘friend’ looking over me    The man from up above say YES!

I didn’t need any persuading this time so I bought it and saved myself money….oh I love a bargain!  (might be able to buy a new pair of red leather gloves now also     But, little did I know that this coat was truly magical…..despite the fact that it is probably the brightest, loudest item of clothing I own (apart from my bright yellow one!)  It renders me completely INVISIBLE!!!  magic…voila….don the coat and i’m gone!

Now, I didn’t realise this when I bought it, obviously….and John Lewis’s obviously didn’t realise what a commodity they have in their store, but my God, It’s powerful.   I don’t know if it’s just this one….If it’s down to the wearer or a wonderful combination of both?

The first time it was tested was on an outing to a new car showroom.  We are constantly being bombarded with news stories in the media about the credit crunch and how hard it is hitting new car sales.  Erm, think again………So, there I am standing in the middle of a Mercedes dealership on a Saturday afternoon.  Looking pretty smart (I thought so!) Black boots, black skirt, black jumper, NEW Black and white spot coat, Red glasses…..black leather gloves, Mulberry black patent handbag….and red spotty stick (matches my glasses of course!)  Red lipstick ……   There must have been at least 6 or 7 salesmen, all of which ignored me totally.  Seriously…ignored me.   I went up to one of them asked them to show me an SLK convertible that was outside, so he asked me to go outside and he would come out with the keys.  He didn’t….he started talking to another customer…how rude.   I came back inside and again asked him, and he said ’sorry, i’ll have to get someone else as i’m dealing with a customer’ !!!!!   erm…what side of the face would you like your slap Sir???     Again, I stood there, patiently.   There was a flurry of activity with other people but I felt as if I was the elephant in the room and everyone was ignoring me like the plague.

Then it occured to me…..I was invisible!!!   At the time I thought it was my red spotted stick….but occasionally I have a green striped one, or a blue and yellow funky one, so it wasn’t that.    I was about to grab the next person that came near me….by the throat (the thought seriously crossed my mind)  and instead, I again, politely went across to a salesman and said ‘ I sincerely hope that your sales figures are good this month, because your apathy and ignorance has just lost you my business’  and I walked out.

My theory was again put to the test the week later;    I had a hospital appointment in St Albans.  I don’t know why I went really, other than curiosity now, oh and just to ‘play’ with the registrars.   I never see the consultant himself, he’s far too important to deal with the likes of me, whose knee he has cocked up over the past 5 operations….but am I bitter….yes I am just a little!    There are things that I would quite like to do with both knees, and it isn’t skiing   It was a totally pointless appointment, because said ‘registrar’ says ‘you really need to see the consultant’!!!!!   YES….I could of told you that!!!!  ’so can you come back next week?’  ……No I couldn’t because i’ve actually changed consultants, after one registrar telling me that I was ‘entitled to a 2nd opinion’.  I’m hopeful that I may eventually get somewhere, but that somewhere might be on crutches!  NEVER.

So…feeling very p’d off and irritated that they had wasted my time yet again…I took myself off to Harpenden.  I was in need of serious coffee and lots of it.  Oh and cake and anything else scrummy.  I was so hungry by the time I got there that I was thinking of stopping at a garage to get a turkish delight just to eat pre cake…..but I’m just sooooo virtuous, so I didn’t….honest!

There is a wonderful little delicatessen there.  So much nicer than the large Starbucks, Costa, Pret and all that malarky don’t you think?  I think its important to support local shops.  So I opted for there.   Its fabulous, with beautiful fresh meat, cheese, pasta, olives and homemade dishes…..so the smell inside is simply divine.  And I am STARVING.  I’m grumpy when I’m hungry.    The shop has gradually over the last year or so, been taken over by tables, internally, as the demand for coffee and lunches has increased.  Good on them…moving on with the times.   It was about 50% full I would guess, and mainly ‘yummy mummy’ brigade.   I take a seat.   My seat is central to the restaurant.   I’m sure that you can’t miss me, however, I am again resplendent in invisible coat and seriously underestimate its properties!

I watched the protocol to make sure that I had it right.  A young man took a seat near to the front window, minutes after I had sat down.   Within milliseconds, the young waitress approached him, smiled and took his order for coffee.   I felt sure that she would then come to me.  Noooooo……she’s goes and makes his coffee.   I look around and see another couple behind the counter and one other clearing tables.  Okay, don’t be too hasty….patience Louise…..NOT my greatest virtue.    Window man gets his coffee….then ’she’ takes his order.   Right, she’ll come to me now?   Nope.   Still no waitress in sight.   I’m getting a little bit annoyed now.  I don’t even have anyone to moan at because I can’t get any service on my phone.   I leer at the people behind the counter as if to say ‘anyone going to serve me or WHAT?’!!  and still I’m ignored.   The guy clearing plates and generally tidying makes a wide berth of my table.  At this point I try to discretely do that thing that Kevin Kline as Otto does in ‘A Fish called Wanda’ where he keeps sniffing his armpits…because I’m convinced that I must smell offensively of something…why else would they keep f***ing ignoring me!

Waitress is lovingly slicing smoked salmon and laying it onto a plate already adorned with an exquisite looking colourful array of salad leaves, olives,  sundried tomatoes and foccacia bread…this is no ordinary food….this is Harpenden delicatessen lovingly prepared hand sliced salmon for incredibly good looking sexy guy sitting in the window that has now finished his f***ing coffee….FOOD…. PLEASE OH PLEASE!

She takes over the plate and places it everso gently onto the table…I’m sure that her cheek may have brushed his as she pulled away, and I’m quite sure that I saw her curtsey….how cute     Inside of me is writhing like the famous Edvard Munch painting The Scream….only mine is saying ‘PLEASE BRING ME A FUCKING COFFEE’    I’m so sorry…I honestly don’t swear this much except for when I’m caffeine or champagne deprived (or extremely irritated) .

OMG OMG OMG…..Waitress is coming towards me!!!  excitement I can hardly contain myself.    Oh, I don’t believe it….she was actually intending to walk straight past me to the kitchen!   OH NO SHE WASN’T…..just attempt it if you dare.    ‘Excuse me’  I said ‘Was anyone actually intending to serve me today?’ ‘It’s just that I had forgotten that I had my invisible coat on that was making is SO difficult for you to see me’      Sarcasm and irony doesn’t usually roll off my tongue quite so well.   I did eventually get my coffee and a very nice panini – 40 minutes after my arrival in the deli.   Although it was very nice,  I couldn’t possibly enjoy it (how could I?) next time I shall go to Starbucks, Costa or Pret……even with my magical coat.

My God, I’m going to have fun in this coat

Tried experimenting with other spots, but to no avail….In the coat there is no sign of me whatsoever…..

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  Although I’m not particularly religious, I do feel my conscience pricking ever so slightly…..

You see, I have succumbed to the evils of the media.  I know I never thought I would, and I always maintained that I would grow old gracefully but I’ve lied….and I’m not!   I’m hoping to grow old incredibly disgacefully and my deception has already begun.  

So…here is my confessional;   I play with myself…..NO NO NO!!!     Don’t choke on the biscuits that you’re dunking, spill your coffee or knock over your JD and ice…… although I bet your eyes are bulging and you can’t read quick enough     I play with PHOTOGRAPHS.  I have discovered the wonderful art of photoshop….cropping, glowing, tinting, softening etc.    Yes, I knew they all existed but to be honest I’ve never really needed them before, or should I say….I’ve never really needed to know how it all works before neither could I be bothered to actually learn.   But now that I’ve got a little knowledge, its a dangerous tool, and one that I intend to use at every opportunity to suit.

Yes the picture in the header is me, but thank God it was cropped because you can’t actually see the double chins the bingo wings or the cellulite!  I like pictures where I am laid across a bed….of course I do,  IT STRETCHES OUT THE FAT!   Be kind to me….I’m mature now for Gods sake  

I don’t  think i’d go quite so far as the Kate Winslet ‘leg’ saga but having legs that are only about 2ft long, I am seriously tempted to do some stretching.   And, just as long as it doesn’t involve me going near to an aerobic class, gym, step class or anything else that might stretch my delicate skin….then I’m all for it.   No longer is the technology just for the rich and famous film stars of Hollywood, but mere mortals can look airbrushed to perfection (okay okay….maybe not quite perfection, but you get the gist!) and if used correctly, its an enhancement isn’t it?  Is there any harm covering up a rogue spot or two, or distorting the edges of a picture to blur the parts you don’t want someone to see?   An artist doesn’t always paint what he sees, but what he believes should be there, or not, as the case may be……….

So, is it really a deception?  Do people see what they want to see anyway?   DOES anyone actually notice?   

 

 

The top picture is the original…untouched version, and the one below has been cropped and softened….slightly …..Do you think i’m getting the hang of it?

I should be punished shouldn’t I……nice cherries though

“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Marilyn Monroe

The best part of anything is the looking forward to it.  So true in so many things….holidays, Christmas, birthdays, weddings etc, but this past weekend was an exception to that.   Despite an incredibly grumpy daughter, incredulous that she’d been asked to actually leave the house for 24 hours because friends of ours were arriving.   No I don’t usually ask her to go, but on this occasion I did.  It did cause a few raised eyebrows……how dare you….wicked mother….oh and of course ‘you must be up to mischief’ !!! oh as if!!! I mean….just how much mischief can a  fat, 47 year old with a dodgy leg get up to for Christs sake…..my swinging from chandelier days are long past.   Not that I wouldn’t actually like to try again, but after 2 shoulder operations and with said bad knee, I think its not a particularly good idea.  Anyway, I’ve decided to stick to more sedate ways to get my thrills and have enrolled on a wing walking course.  Once i’m harnessed in I shall be okay.  They do wear head to toe leathers on those bi planes don’t they??     I shall try it for a couple of weeks and if the plane can’t actually get off the ground with my ample marshmallow and cellulite rippled body strapped to it, – which actually resembles the michelin man more than a goddess in flight!  then I might be obliged to take up something on terrafirma….perhaps sword swallowing.  I hear they hold that at the village hall on a Tuesday evening, just after the WI have finished cake decorating.  I wonder if they use the same knives?  God I am going to need to get some practice in……. 

La Diva for posterity!

(Worryingly, there are so many similarities between me and venus/goddess in that pic!)

I was at the hospital today and have to go back in for yet another operation on dodgy knee.  I have to have an ‘urgent’ operation on my knee….I suppose that will be in a few weeks, but just in case, I also had my pre op assessment today.  One of the questions on the form caused me to laugh out loud uncontrollably ‘does the patient have difficulty opening their mouth wide’ !!!!!  erm….can i phone a friend please???    I’m going to need to open wider if I’m thinking of sword swallowing in the not too distant future anyway     Better keep the demon dentist away from me then.  I had to pay a visit a few weeks ago and oh, it just happened to happen to me didn’t it…..darling dentist managed to inject the anaesthetic into a nerve in my jaw rendering me unable to open much wider than enough to allow a straw through for 3 weeks.  Mind you, i didn’t lose any weight as i just liquidised the chocolate and cream….bliss.    Talking of which, i finishised off a tub of chocolate custard at 3.00am this morning……………..my jaw was working fine….just fine

I am soon going to have to be kept away from any magnetised equipment if they replace any other parts of me.  I shall be walking along nonchalantly through passport and security control at an airport and suddenly find that my left leg has completely involuntarily shot out and stuck itself to the body scanner!  not a pretty sight….but the cause of much hilarity no doubt.

Still, I seem to be quite good at being the butt of jokes.  I spent one whole lunchtime having the ‘p’ taken out of me for my penguin routine (see last blog)….oh how we laughed.   It was soooooo funny for me having ‘fishy’ comments and people clapping like seals etc…..still, I’m a big girl (okay okay…i know in more ways than one) and its all just in jest, so i just smile and wave…..yes….just like the penguins in the film Madagasgar!     Just a shame that i’m not quite so thick skinned as those cute little penguins.

Sooooo….enlightenment.  Well I have learnt a lot over the past 48 hours.   I’m still trying to decide on the balance of good or bad.  My time in the kitchen with a paring knife poised rather precariously as I was deep in thought about it, one slip and I could have done DIY cosmetic surgery on my beautiful but fat podgy belly ….that must’ve been a bad thought.   

I am so misunderstood at times but its my own fault.  We put on a facade that we want people to see and then blame them for believing we are that person.  I’ve been described as many things by many people….diva was always a favourite until it was pointed out to me what the dictionary definition was ; prima donna…..temperamental and conceited person!   nice.  of course it also means Goddess….but somehow prima donna seems to win the tug of words today.   Marilyn Monroes are just so apt that I’m going to leave them at the top of every blog now….as a warning!

Maybe i’m just too sensitive today.  Perhaps THIS is the real me.   Answers on a postcard please…..

p.s  No i’m not changing PurpleDiva………. DEAL WITH IT!!!!!  

The Dynamite Diva over and out……<3

 

 

Today was the annual unravelling of the Christmas tree lights event. All 15 sets of them. Firstly though we had to endure the delights of the loft. For most people this wouldn’t be too traumatic, however….for us this is quite an ordeal. The girls are certain that the loft is haunted!!! I must say that there are some very weird noises that come from there in the middle of the night, but I’m sceptical that our ghost actually lives in the loft (hmmm….yes we do have a ghost…..)

The other problem is that our loft isn’t where most peoples is. Well, seeing that this is ‘me’ it wouldn’t be would it!!! I live in a bungalow where the loft has been converted so now there is very little actual accessible ‘loft’ space. The previous owners did the conversion….badly. We are still putting it right, gradually. One major problem is the actual size of the door to the said space. It is about the right size for a leprachaun to enter and exit. We don’t have any of those in our house to help with getting things in and out of the loft! Or maybe a contortionist. Of which i’m not….although, I’m pretty good after a few glasses of champagne, but i was hoping for an early start and hadn’t planned a champagne breakfast

So I sent R in there instead His instructions were very clear. Retrieve the Christmas decorations. Now I KNOW that last year, I placed them neatly into little individual bags, and then placed those bags within a larger bag. All the gold baubles together….bronze together…..dragonflies together…..diamonds together……ivy garlands together…..lights in one bag. ….etc. You get the picture?? I’m organised. Pretty well organised, so i think. But on retrieving the BAGSSSSSS …….as they seemed to have multiplied over the past 11 1/2 months, I am beginning to think that maybe we do have a leprechaun or ghost that lives in there. Now either R has done this for a laugh or someone is playing a trick on me…..but it looks like someone has done a backflip with them all in hand and has tipped them out and then thrown them all back in to random bags!!! I just KNOW I didn’t put them away like that last year……I KNOW it! I’m so p’d off with it all, that I can’t even face the thought of starting to decorate the house. For today they can all stay in the dining room and i’ll attempt it tomorrow.

I’ve sent R out for a Christmas tree….a real one. Again, he got instructions…….Tall, slim and good looking, firm, upright, slightly greying, well proportioned and not too bushy……. I didn’t think it was too much to ask for and was rather hoping that George Clooney was loitering around Poplars garden centre…(oh how delicious to have him in my stocking!) Note the first thing on the instruction list was….TALL….. R didn’t go alone…oh no…D went too, to make sure they chose the right one………

R doesn’t follow instructions too well (as I later found out when he cooked dinner…but i’m grateful he cooked!) and the tree was not too much taller than me, and I’m only 5 ft 2″. He said “It’ll be alright with a star on it” Bloody good job i’ve got one then! Still, I suppose in his defence, he was rather distracted by the *penguins that greeted him on his arrival at the garden centre. He was so amused by their presence that he felt compelled to send me a picture by the magic technology of his mobile phone that he’s now managed to work out how to use. My reply was “Ha Ha…now fuck off and get the tree” ….You can see it was a bad day and I wasn’t in the mood for yet more penguin capers.

After a fractious day to say the least, ‘the’ tree is bundled in through the house. Now I have to give R credit where its due, the tree is bushy, which I am pleased at. One year I bought a tree and the week before Christmas it was a twig! anything resembling green was permanently embedded in my lounge carpet for at least the next 4 months, and every time you walked past you had to hold your breath as you feared more needles would fall! and God forbid anyone slamming the door or a waft of air!!. Not so with this sturdy rugged bugger…its as round as it is tall. The problem with the dimensions and shape of said tree is that where its going to be positioned in the pride of place in the drawing room (lounge at any other time of year!) which is……..IN A CORNER, BEHIND THE SOFA…… means that you aren’t actually going to see anything other than the top 2ft of the tree, which as you know aren’t actually known for being the bushiest part of fir/spruce trees…….hmmmm……hence my request for TALL….are you feeling my frustration yet??? Soooo, the tree is in place. Picture the scene, and conversation and my very very grumpy face. As it is, i’ve had to do a bit of DIY topiary to shape the tree into a corner shape so that it fits into the corner of the room but it just looks lost….it needs raising. I stand there and just look…..I can’t begin to put anything on this pitiful tree and now i want to stuff it into the garden. If only I could get it through the patio doors without anyone noticing its gone!

“Well we could put it on something if you want it higher” R says, trying to be helpful.

“What” I growled back in disgust, and flashed a look of pure disdain which said ‘if only you’d bought it the right height etc etc etc’

“How high do you want it?” He asks

“Err…..another 2ft at least…..the height I asked you to get in the first place” (I never miss an opportunity )

I’ll go and look” says R……and wanders off to the mousetrap (the garage!)

He comes back in with a cat travel basket and a circular table top…..ingenious. Now i’ve got to go upstairs and find damn fabric to cover this with because it will be visible and I don’t want you to see white plastic basket….I mean, its okay for taking the cat to the vets in, but Purrrlllleeeeaaaasssseeeee!! It raises the tree to required height and now looks ‘aesthetically pleasing’. Now I can finally set about unravelling the lights…Its going to be a LONG night. I’m opening the wine.

Update on Ronnie

Well he’s doing well and has responded to heart medication and has had one operation to have tube put into his bladder. He has a problem with his kidneys but its possibly some complication of the medication. The next 24 hours should let us know and then if all is okay the vets are hoping to amputate his tail in next 24 hours and are then hopeful that he can come home later this week as long as he is eating okay (which he isn’t currently), maybe Thurs or Friday. Fantastic news. Guess where the cat basket is…………………………..

*Penguin story

For those of you that don’t know there may be references throughout my blogs to penguins. I have an affinity with penguins. Purely by chance. This is by way of explanation;

It was New Years Eve 1999/2000 and we’d been invited to a party. We weren’t going as we knew we’d have to drive and didn’t want the drink/drive dilemma and dedicated driver aggravation as the party was 35 miles away. As the date got nearer we were persuaded that maybe we should go, but then were told ‘its fancy dress’…..panic set in! With two teenagers adamant that they weren’t going in fancy dress, we declined. On 30th it got the better of us, and we decided that as it was a really special night, we SHOULD go….. So, the girls went to the local fancy dress hire shop and spent 3 hours or so trying on different outfits. By the time we got there the owners were p’d off with the girls! R saw his outfit straight away and picked it and tried it on….perfect fit etc. Batman….but if he thought for one moment that I was going as Robin, he could think again! The girls had their costumes (Abba) so, it was down to me. Now, back then I was a ‘large’ girl….I still am to some degree, but not quite like i was then. I had thought that I would go as a serving wench or Nell Gwynn or something of that ilk, however, those type of things had either gone or didn’t fit my ample bosom….or rest of my frame! With the staff getting more and more irritated by our presence, I asked them to bring something that might fit me…….they did. A penguin outfit!!!! Yes, a full blown penguin outfit….complete with penguin beak, and feet…..I could even ‘waddle’ in it. So that’s what ‘La Diva’ went to the party as…..somehow I don’t quite remember the penguin in batman looking quite like that though!!!

When it was my 40th birthday, several people came in penguin headmasks to my party….and I get sent penguin jokes, penguin cards, penguin puppets…..penguin pictures……etc etc etc……and when any family member sees a penguin, they automatically think of me oh how cute……NOT!!!!

The Final Straw

Darling daughter comes in this evening after i’ve spent the past 24 hours wrestling with decorations and tree to appease them.  The house now has  decorations in various living rooms…Drawing room, small lounge, dining room, kitchen, hall,  and say’s “Is that it?”  “Where are the rest of the decorations”?

If you don’t see a blog for a few weeks I suggest you scour the local papers to see if anyone has had sight of a penguin attempting a bungee jump without the bungee from Clifton Suspension Bridge!

Ho Bloody Ho…….

Okay, I admit it….I’m a food snob.   Food, along with sex and relationships is one of the three most important things in your life….so, who cares.   Life is too short to eat badly, and you owe it to yourself  to eat as well as you possibly can.   I probably pay more than most for the same food but the packaging looks nice, and I know I throw it away(packaging not food!)…..but I don’t care.    Why do people covet the exquisite workmanship, fine detailing, beautiful stitching of a Chanel suit, or a Mulberry bag,  but are then prepared to eat and oven ready pizza, full of additives, chemicals and processed ingredients?  BUT…..

Once again i’m irked, seriously irked.   I’ve been doing my weekly grocery shop online for the past few months now.  Not with any old supermarket…..not Tesco’s, Sainsbury’s, or Asda…..but Waitrose no less.   I don’t want ‘blue label’ value food….I’m not quite ready to go back to that  (nothing against it, and I have been there in the past)    Presentation and choice is everything, and in my location, Waitrose are just far superior with greater variety.   Why have lemonade if you can have champagne???     So, I shop online to avoid having to have to endure the pfaff of it all…..which I hate, not to mention the toll on my poor little fat legs.  It takes me hours with decisions when I actually go to the supermarket  and invariably I end up spending at least 50% more than I intend to and over buying, and then have to throw food away….fruit and fresh herbs with regular occurance.  You can visibly see herbs quaking, fearing that I’m going to pick them, when I go near as they know its ultimate death because I just don’t look after them!   They sit on my kitchen window looking green and healthy for a couple of weeks, and then wither and die!!!   Although directly over the sink, i appear to forget that they may need feeding……  guaranteed, EVERY time. 

So….I have an email from Ocado/Waitrose telling me to book my Christmas delivery slot because they’ve just been released.   Eager to get in early….I get online and attempt to book, but can’t see any of their little grey vans available for anytime from 19th December onwards??   I assumed that I had mistakenly logged on before the dates had been released.   So I called their customer services to check when I can view them?   I was gobsmacked to be told “all the slots have already been taken”  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT????   how can that be possible???    “oh, regular customers were notified early”  I’ve been ordering regularly, £150 shopping a week for the past few months and obviously I wasn’t regular enough!!!  I am bloody fuming………and looks like I’m going to have to stand in a bloody queue at the worst time of year which was one of the reasons that I started online shopping to start with (to avoid it!)……….Ho bloody Ho AGAIN….

Irk no. 2    Again with said Supermarket…..

I love food.  I love trying new food, unusual dishes, and exotic tastes.  I buy ‘good’ food.   Healthy food.  Quality food.  Not processed muck.

After doing this weeks shop I noticed a feature that I have never used before and thought I would take a look at.  ‘Louise’s recommended items’   This is a list of items recommended by the supermarket that I presumed was based upon my previous selections.   I think they must have got my list mixed up with someone elses!!!  This is just a snippet of the selections;

1. Always Ultra Duo Nightime     (I had a hysterectomy 15 years ago, so wouldn’t be needing these!)

2. Radox daily elements shower gel  (I use Cartier or Chanel)

3. Harveys Bristol Cream Sherry (Oh Please…..Idrink Champagne!!!!!)

4. Capri Sun  (What the F**k!)

5.Kenco Decaff instant coffee (I would never drink decaff anyway…if you’re going to have coffee, go the whole hog…..and I have a ‘proper’ NESPRESSO machine..)

6. Tropical Fruit Drink.  (I HATE these drinks….hate pineapple drinks)

7. Walls soft scoop ice cream (Noooooo…..Mackies of Scotland, GU Vanilla or maybe Carte D’or at a push)

8.Weight Watchers chilli beef and potato (are they trying to tell me something?)

9. Weight watchers fat free summer pudding (pudding should be VERY fatty….that’s the point of it!!!)

10. Fairy- fresh Lavender & Passion fruiit washing up liquid (I have a dishwasher!)

Anyway, the shopping got finalised which meant that I could carry on with what else I had planned to do, which was to visit my recently born great nephew.   He arrived 4 weeks early and weighed 5lbs.  He’s absolutely perfect and is a beautiful little baby….which is unusual, as most little babies look like wizened up little old men, despite all parents thinking theirs are beautiful, they rarely are.  But I have to say, that little Max really is!    I’d bought him a couple of little outfits, and if I didn’t get my bum out of the sofa (although it was difficult to tell where my bum ended and the sofa began to be honest) he’d be too big for them by the time I’d moved myself and got him them over to him!!  

Fortunately it didn’t make me broody, as my broodiness has long gone… I think it was probably whipped away along with my ovaries and all other bits, years ago!   I did have a wonderful mother and daughter moment with daughter no.1 in the car, whilst taking about newborn baby Max.     She made me laugh so much when she said that it is so awful when parents thrust the new baby onto you to hold and then watch you like a hawk at how you are handling their precious child.  Its especially hard if you’re not experienced with children, knowing how to hold their head, etc.   But she likened it to when you get a new a new mobile phone and someone wants to look at it and you’re frightened that they’re going to damage it or drop it!!!     Ah…..so sweet and innocent…..yes it is so similar and yet so totally random!!!  Bless her….I LOVE that about her. 

Hopefully I’ll have the pleasure of hearing many new ringtones before I’ll have the pleasure of hearing the patter of tiny feet from darling daughter

I do try to get into the festive spirit but somewhere along the way, between July and December, my ’spirit’ has been completely exorcised.   Just when I think its about to come back….usually on hearing Mariah Carey screeching ‘All I want for Christmas is Youhoooooooooo’ and when my body involuntary begins to twitch at said song or other jolly Christmas rendition.    I call it dancing….my daughters call it ‘weebleing’   but my body tricks me, and I’m bought back to reality by the sharp electric shocks shooting through both knees……. I want to break out into a full blown jig across the shop floor of John Lewis, and really get into the swing of it….let loose and be free and not give a stuff for what anyone thinks…..after all, it is Christmas.   And, if you can’t put a smile on peoples faces now, then when can you.    I think it should be made compulsory to dance to the music in stores on the hour…..unless of course they play Status Quo.   Nobody should be expected to actually listen to that, least of all attempt to dance to it!   But for me, I would start and within a few strides i would be in a spectacular heap.  People may smile, but not for quite the reason that I would like

So….I’ve not written since July.  Well, pain seems to have quelled the creative process.  I find it amazing that pain in my knees should have stopped me writing with my hands.   With that thought, I wonder If a pain in the arse will render me speechless    (Well, its not worked yet, and i’ve had 10 years of it and i’m still pretty vocal about it!)

Have you missed a lot since July?  LOADS!!!   I have written hundreds of blogs…everyone of them in my head.  In the car.  In bed. In the shower.  In the office.  Whilst cooking the diner (ha ha!)  Countless numbers of them….they’ve just never made it down onto the page, and bloody typical, now i’m actually here and ready to put it all down…….GONE!!!   Puff….into the ether of space….  Well all the funny amusing stuff has.  So you’ll just have to read the boring, mundane bits.   My pubic hair is now red for Christmas.   I just threw that in, just to see if you were still awake and actually reading.  Well it is actually, but I’m keeping it quiet….apart from telling the few thousands of you that read my blog!   Its a rather beautiful red (wouldn’t you just know it!) and matches the red on my glasses!!!!   matching collars and cuffs takes on a whole new meaning…..perhaps it should be ‘rims and trims’

I don’t actually know why I’m so cheerful.  I have no reason to be.   My darling Ronnie…one of my cats, was injured in a car accident on Monday night.  Although I have 2 cats (british blues) and 2 dogs, Ronnie is MY cat.  He’s my boy.  I have such an affinity with him….we have an understanding.  He is very very special to me, and I’m devastated.  Currently he is at a specialist veterinary centre, but the prognosis is very poor.  Although he has a severe injury which actually isn’t life threatening,  they have discovered that he has a heart problem (cardiomyopathy) which because of the trauma, is causing his lungs to fill with fluid and he can’t get rid of.  Its complicated because they need to give him ‘water’ tablets to get rid of the excess fluid, however, he can’t urinate because of the trauma to his tail.  He will never regain that function, and needs an operation.  He can’t have the operation because of his lung/heart problem.  So its a big vicious circle, and I have ‘the’ decision to make.   I don’t want to have to make it.  not today. not tomorrow. not yet.    

I know many will say ‘he’s just a cat’.  but he’s MY cat.  He’s a gentleman.  He loved me unconditionally.  I will miss him terribly.  I’m not ready for him not be part of my family.

The boys

Ho bloody Ho.

The dog wagged its tail appealingly and lifted its head to greet us, looking around.  Its bowl of water and juicy bone looked untouched.  It was…..the dog was a stuffed animatronic.  I was worried…..seriously worried.   The reception area was full of people in their late 60’s plus.   It looked like a Val Doonican convention bus had just pulled in and the pundits had just been dropped off.   Those that weren’t on the ‘bus’ were in wheelchairs, on crutches or had walking sticks.  The attire of the majority of the men was every shade of beige/brown, polyester trousers, with beige hushpuppy shoes……women wore similar, only their trousers had elasticated waists and these weren’t actually up under their armpits!  Admittedly some women wore skirts but I think they were all bought from the same shop….all the same style and shape…..generally floral and loud and teamed with a nice little twinset!  This is the uniform of the over 60’s.  God help us.  If this is a snapshot of what’s to come I’m stopping right now.  I’m a square peg in a round hole.

‘R’ joined me after parking the car…..smirking he says “have you ever stayed at a hotel where the disabled car park is larger than the main car park!”  He was joking, but not much……….

Reluctantly I took charge and was handed our room key.  A ‘Royale’ room suite……oh well, at least we have a luxury room.    The ‘Royale’ was the best they had on offer.   To be fair, the approach to the hotel is magnificent and imposing……a sweeping driveway and a majestic house…..covered in scaffolding!  When I booked this, they had failed to mention that the builders were in…..just a slight oversight then.   A couple of other things they failed to mention too.    Soooo off to our Royale room.

I had noticed that as we entered the reception that there was disinfectant gel dispenser on the wall, and I thought that this was maybe just because this was a ‘public’ place and they were cautious?   We got into the lift and there was another one….it transpires that they are everywhere.  I’ve stayed in some very large and beautiful hotels but have only ever encountered this at hospitals and nursing homes……after only 15 minutes here I am very aware of the similarity and think that I must have missed the ‘care home’ part from the sign at the entrance to the hotel!

The smell was the first thing to hit me when I opened the door.  No not what you are thinking!!!  bad people ……It was paint – gloss paint.   And then the ‘view’……nicely obscured by scaffolding and a couple of ugly polish painters outside the bedroom window talking loudly and laughing.  The bedroom was large, pleasant……and the bathroom was very large and pleasant.  But it was dirty.  There was a pubic hair in the sink and there was talcum powder on the floor.  The bed looked like someone had been sitting on it and floor hadn’t been hoovered.  This was NOT my standard and I don’t have to put up with it.  ‘R’ looked at me and said ‘are we staying?’ and my face said it all and he beat a hasty retreat back down to reception.    15 minutes later he returned and said ‘we’re moving’…….which I already knew as I wasn’t intending to sleep there! Had the Polish painters been good looking I could have been tempted to stay;-)

Our new room was much superior.  Charles 1 ’suite’….has a far nicer ring about dahling!  anyway, with a 4 poster bed it appeared more stately, had a beautiful view, sofa etc etc etc.   This is what I’m used to.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind slumming it if you’ve paid to slum it and are prepared to….I hadn’t and wasn’t….simple as! 

And then it began………………………………………………………….

After unpacking a few essentials I sat on the sofa and perused the hotel brochure.  What no one had mentioned was that this was a 70’s weekend….themed 70’s weekend.   This is like Butlins for adults and my worst nightmare come true.  I am going to kill 2 of my sisters very painfully and slowly when I get to see them.    I start reading through the Entertainment Guide….a brief except is here;    

Saturday (woohoo…..better be up and about early for this lot……Hi de Hi campers!!!)

10.30 am Name that Tune (60’s)

11.00 am Flying Target Frisbee (what the hell is this!!!)

11.45 Around the world quiz

1.30pm Archery   (bearing in mind the ages and lack of mobility……I don’t think so!)

1.30pm Line Dancing (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) The Cowboy Charleston, Califonia Freeze & Alamo are ‘todays’ dances……NOOOOO there are MORE tomorrow!!! 

2.30 Rifle shooting (now this could be good, i have a few people in mind that i would like to practice on!)

3.00pm  Play your Cards Right with Rob Brimfield and his dolly dealer……woohoo!!!

Oh and then tonight…….An Eagles tribute band called Talon.    I HATE tribute bands, with a vengeance.  I’ve seen a few of them and just want to laugh.  The worst one ever is a Queen tribute band called ‘Magic’ a kind of Queen.  The lead singer is about 70….very tanned (fake) and with false teeth that he obviously isn’t using any of that ‘magic’ denture fixative adhesive with, as they keep falling out!!   AND they are playing here sometime soon……must remember to book that date………..

But Sundays list is so much better….how on earth are they going to top this;

10.00 am Catchphrase

10.30am Name That Tune (70’s) woohoo…..

11.00am WELLY WANGING  (Another, what the F**k is this!)

12.30pm Speed snooker (oh I really don’t want to miss out on this now do I….zimmer frames at the ready!)

1.30pm Line Dancing – ah, but todays dances are; stroll along cha cha & Waltz Across Texas. (such a shame I shall have waltzed out of the gate and be on my way home)

I am in hysterics reading the list of activities but I need a drink to ‘loosen’ up.  We decide to have a stroll, get our bearings and relax with a drink.   We made our way down to the leisure suite where there is a swimming pool and jacuzzi, sauna and steam room.   I’m amused by a sign on the wall ‘Lone swimming is prohibited’  WHY???  aren’t these people capable of being on their own in a pool? aren’t they old enough?  What happens if you go in with someone and they go and get changed and leave you there?  oh i’m such a rebel!   Then we chance upon a shop within the hotel…..a nice little gift shop.  WRONG!  Its full of tat.  what i commonly call tat, and I now really really want to cry and need the stiffest drink possible.   There are little yellow ducks with peoples names on…..walking sticks…..puzzle and crossword books!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO   Please beam me up and take me to The Sanderson, a Chateau in France or that lovely hotel in Glasgow or The Pergolese in Paris….anywhere but here…..PLEASE GOD, I’m a good girl honest I am.  

Sipping a glass of red wine I slump into my chair and look around.  I look at ‘R’ in bemusement.  The couple at the table next to us are itching for a conversation but I don’t want to make eye contact.  Another couple behind are sharing a puzzle book and doing a word map or crossword.  Music is playing in the background…..the 1812 overture….any minute now it could be the Dambusters or Vera Lynn!  I want to hear The Zutons….PLEASE MR MUSIC WILL YOU PLAY!    Then you hear it…..every few minutes…..a sound that is to become very familiar over the next few hours…………….The whirr of a motorised wheelchair/scooter a la Benidorm! (the TV sitcom, not the location!).  

I get up and go to use the bathroom and come back laughing…..there are condom machines in the public toilets….who are they kidding!  they would receive more revenue if they installed an incontinence pad machine!  Condoms in a place like this!!!   Perhaps we have it all wrong….perhaps its a ’swinging’ venue…perhaps there is more going on than we have given them credit for……hmmmm……definitely something fishy about this place

We walk back to our room to prepare for dinner.  As we are doing so, we pass a very happy couple on the main huge landing “looking forward to a ‘fun’ weekend” he says to us………’R’ looks at me and we smile to each other and in unison say ‘Absolutely’…….walking away we looked at each other and said “swingers, definitely swingers”!

I was feeling very young and very naughty despite my 46 years that are rapidly approaching 47.   My dress for dinner was a wrap dress which is very figure hugging and shows a lot of cleavage.  In hommage to a good friend of mine that has a ‘pulling’ dress (you know who you are!) I spent the huge amount of £9.99 on this dress from Ebay, (brand new still with tags though!) and my shoes were £3 in the M&S Autograph clearance at Christmas, information that is totally necessary for you to know that despite all the information above, I love a bargain!    So….I am ‘dressed’ and wearing obligatory stockings for added sexiness….pearl necklace and pearl and diamond earrings.  I feel elegant and mischievous……a wicked combination.   These old people aren’t going to know where to look.   What I hadn’t actually reckoned on were the waiters!!!

The average age of the waiters was no more than 22. I will never forget the look I caught on one of their faces as I put on my glasses and crossed my legs at the table…..I caught him looking and his smile just said it all…..It was a real Mrs Robinson moment.  The food was superb, thoroughly enjoyable, although one thought sprung to mind…..I have this inkling to try a cruise for a holiday and now looking around here, that has totally dispersed….THESE are ‘cruise’ people……NOOOOOOOOOOO  When we got up to leave, ‘R’ walked behind me and the 3 waiters stood in line as we walked out, ‘R’ commented that their faces had a ‘you lucky bastard’ look on them!   Maybe my 3 hour preening yesterday paid off then, maybe somebody noticed me for once

Everywhere was dead.  It was only 10pm and yet no one was about.  I thought they must have been safely tucked up in bed with their horlicks but i now know that they were at ‘the pavilion’ dancing to Mrs Mills at the organ…..such a shame we missed it.    ‘R’ and I opted for a gentle stroll to the ping pong room….no, not table tennis….PING PONG.  The 4 of us had a wonderful time and ‘R’ said it was the sexiest thing he’d seen in a long time….the twins and I playing ping pong!  When a screw fell out of the light fitting after we hit it, I questioned the rationale for doubling the snooker table as a table tennis table…..but then I’m not so sure that the other guests are generally as such enthusiastic players as us.

Exhausted we retired to bed, can’t wait to get these stockings off and dream about welly wanging and such delights tomorrow…….that lovely 4 poster bed…….hmmmmmm……have you ever slept in a 4 poster?   Very coffin like and claustrophobic if you ask me.  You know, I’m sure I can see the glint of a telescope peeking out from the window of the waiters quarters in the attic rooms in the courtyard opposite…..Just in case, I shall make the ’show’ a good one