So, I’m back from my flirting trip! well sort of. I had a doctors appointment in Ampthill this morning and took the opportunity to shop at my beloved Waitrose whilst there. I had this overwhelming urge to ram my trolley into a stack of neatly piled easter eggs as i wandered around aimlessly. I went with the intention of buying food….and easter eggs (obligatory) In the absence of any other male company I took to flirting with just about anyone….I’m going to get a name for myself today Still, a smile goes a long way doesn’t it. The old guy that was easily into his late 80’s with the lived in face pushing his zimmer frame with several days dinners down his jumper, and wearing a flat cap and smelling less than freshly laundered, looked like he could do with a smile. I know I needed one back. I got it…and a few cheery words…sweet, so very sweet. I need a hug really but its not the done thing is it? to smile at someone and then give them a hug…..although, maybe i could start a trend. I wanted to hold someone’s hand, but can’t do that either. I also told someone how lovely they looked. I didn’t know them. But she too was elderly and had made an effort. Its market day today in Ampthill and the oldies get together…..perhaps she was trying to impress someone too……Perhaps i was just making me feel better. Perhaps I was being selfish. And then I turned……its not pretty…;-)
I picked up a recipe card….Brioche with marzipan Greek yoghurt and blueberries…. Oh it looks delicious. So I look for my ingredients……..why oh why put out recipe cards with waitrose ingredients if you aren’t actually going to stock the items. This one calls for ‘Waitrose100% Natural fruit Lemon Marmalade’….which THIS Waitrose doesn’t stock….BIG mistake!!! A very charming male customer services guy is helping another customer when he is interrupted by Mrs Angry from Ampthill with her new turquoise walking stick….’Excuse me sir, could you show me where the lemon marmalade is please’….Oh I’m sorry madam, we don’t appear to stock it…A rather incredulous ‘WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!’ spills from my mouth….and then he says it again in that ‘computer says no’ kind of tone. At which point, I’m not feeling too brilliant anyway and my mood is rapidly changing to ‘go ahead punk….make my day’ …….he could see that there was no good reasoning with me….I’m menopausal right now and that is only a slight improvement on a woman with PMT i think…..and if he only knew the full truth that this wasn’t a ‘good’ day too, he wouldn’t have even stopped to answer my question! poor guy. He went to get a woman that could help…..so he thought. Had he not noticed that i was actually a mature and quite articulate woman….well, in between the ranting moments….although, i suppose at moments it had been difficult to tell. okay, one point to him. So, she arrives….. NO CHANCE… ‘well you could use Lime marmalade as an alternative’……Yes i could, you are correct, (i’m smiling through a grimace) it is very close to lemon…as is ORANGE, GRAPEFRUIT and one of the other MIXED FRUIT f***ing marmalades….and i just needed another snooty nosed late 50’s, women’s institute jam making, cake baking, bread kneading all rounder goody goody to f***ing tell me that! I’m sure I never swore this much until I hit 46. I didn’t do a lot till I hit 46. I appear to look interested but secretly harbour this desire to… no.1, smash all the little jars with a swift swish of my stick or, no.2 open a few jars and insert a few, day old defrosted prawns into the tops of them. Oh I want to misbehave today……BADLY

God was watching my bad behaviour. I got back to my car with my goodie bags….minus the jam (stuff them…I’ll go to skanky Tesco with the mingers and chavs and buy the value packs…….meow…:-) I had to park in a parent with child parking space. Well I do have children….it doesn’t mention their ages….also doesn’t mention they have to be with you! So Its now p’ing down…..oh happy day. And then IT happened…..I turned my back and ‘he’ decided that he would run across the car park with my trolley. Oh yes, the trolley that up to now hasn’t been able to be pushed in a straight line, and has squeaked and shook most of the way around, can miraculously ‘glide’ across the car park as if its about to audition for skating on ice…the skate off….only this was going to partner a rather large silver Range Rover vogue, driven by a very bewildered looking yummy mummy. I wish i could have captured the look on her face….I wonder if she looks like that during sex, because if she does it wasn’t pretty! I ran for the trolley, and thoughts of my knee paled into insignificance as the £ signs flashed before my eyes at the thought of the damage….to the car. Not my knee. I’m paying for it now. My knee gave way. Spectacularly. But I stopped the trolley short of hitting the car.
Strange that no one comes to help though. No one bothered to pick me up. My knee is sore but I’m still hopping. Maybe it was the rain? Maybe its human nature that stopped them? What’s up with people any more, why does nobody care…maybe its just me. See….I had that new stick for a reason!
The dogs are still sleeping. They don’t have the energy to do anything else because i still haven’t fed them. I went out in a rush…surprise surprise. I even took my make-up bag with me and ended up putting my make-up on in the car park at Waitrose….I didn’t want to inflict a ‘naked’ Louise onto anyone. God only gave me the one face (despite accusations of having two in the past) but I’ve learned to become very clever with it over time.
Today was going to be a good day. I woke up feeling low, but after a shower and a bit of singing, cup of tea and a happy Lucy (she’s off to Wales for lots of sex with her boyfriend I suppose I felt good…..well until I saw the Doctor. Then its been a roller coaster since then. I’m supposed to be going to work this afternoon for Teri (minikini) but I can’t. Then i decided that I’m going to do my accounts. be pro active. but i can’t…. and i can’t talk to anyone about it. I have to keep it inside.
Its now 15.07 I can’t decide what to eat. I’m hungry but I’m not sure what for. Shall I have carrot and coriander soup and scrummy bread, or shall i go for the goats cheese salad with roasted red pepper dressing. The dogs have been fed now. They can now sleep again. They have it so cushy. I cooked chicken for all of them last night. The cats and the dogs. Lily is just like donkey from shrek….bouncing around as though she’s going to get nothing and you’re not going to see her. She’s so little, but makes the most noise! The boys circle like sharks waiting to devour their prey……..Maddie is just like eyorre…..bless her ‘I’ll just have what’s left’ Maddies mantra…:-) she’s adorable, such a lovely nature.
I opted for the salad. Followed by a hot cross bun….and a coffee…..and maybe another hot cross bun. I put the first one in the microwave just to warm it. Only for a few seconds….and the microwave filled with smoke!!! Now either there’s something wrong with the microwave or they’re putting something in the hot cross buns!!! I’m hopeful its the buns
15.32…I have brought brioche and its not yet in the cupboard…..and its calling me…Loudly. I have to have it. i don’t need it, but need is second to greed right now. And today i’m a force to be reckoned with. Just a slice…a thick slice though…lavished with butter of course. I should toast it really but I can’t wait that long…God forbid! I’ve eaten it before i would have time to turn the dial on the toaster. yummy scrummy. I’ll do some work now……WRONG!
5.35…I had two slices of brioche and now feel a bit full and rather guilty. Not only for what i’ve eaten but for the fact that those two slices constitute 1/3 of the loaf. The loaf that I was going to use for that oh so delicious Waitrose recipe without the obligatory Waitrose jam. I didn’t get out to skanky Tesco’s……I didn’t get anywhere. My fat arse just got fatter with more brioche and moulded to the chair. The recipe will just have to be renamed now….perhaps, the oh so boring brioche recipe would suffice. I don’t care any more…i just want to eat the rest of it and be done with it!
5.50…Eureka – I have a revelation. I need to dance. Thats what’s missing in my life….i need music, company and to dance. Charlotte needs to dance to. I shall ask her. Fortunately Ceroc is on tonight so it will be good. I can get out and heal my soul a bit, and get a bit of excercise and maybe meet some real people. I need people in my life. I’m becoming too reclusive and insular. its not good for me. Dancing is good. So I call her, pleased with myself that it will be something that maybe her and me could do together. Wrong again. Another knock back. Despite having an hour to get ready it wasn’t long enough/she hadn’t shaved her legs/no shoes/nothing to wear etc……then the ultimate….BUT YOU CAN’T DANCE WITH A BAD KNEE…..oh yes, silly me. I forgot. forgive me for wanting a life. Forgive me for wanting a bit of normality. So I came off the phone in tears. At some points I couldn’t talk, and charlotte questioned whether i was still there. Ii was trying to stop myself crying because i didn’t want her to hear. ‘But we could go to the pictures one day if you like’ she tried to appease me with. Yes i could…..but i don’t want to. I want to DANCE.