OMG…I can’t honestly believe that the last time that I actually blogged it was JANUARY!   I know that I kept saying that I was going to do it, but I was busy….honest guv.    Busy doing what I’m not actually sure, but these days everything  just takes SO much longer.

Not only that, but I have now become invisible…..strange but true…….

You might have noticed that I am a woman   I am incredibly feminine, I love to smell nice, look good, feel good…I love beautiful things, I’m very tactile….I’m irritable for a fraction of the day (of course that’s when I’m asleep!) oh, and did I mention that I quite like to shop?   Well, maybe I should say that I ‘did’ like to shop, in days gone by, pre-knee problems.   I don’t do quite so much of it now, but when I do, I know what I like and I don’t actually like to compromise much (irritable!) because I don’t see why I should (cantakerous too!)   So, there I am nonchalantly wandering through John Lewis’s.  I like that shop.  You can pretty much buy everything under one roof.  Note the pretty much everything, because there are some things that I like to buy that the John Lewis Partnership simply wouldn’t dare to have disgrace their stores!  Shame  (it would make it so much easier on my knees not to have to walk to other shops……)

Anyway, as always I digress…..I was walking through the store and this coat literally jumps out at me.  I’m not joking….it attacked me.  Visually of course.  What else did you think?  Some animatronic mannequin attacking shoppers in John Lewis..pah!  Now Harvey Niks I could believe….but Lewis’s NEVER.

I lovingly caress the coat…stroke it….smell it (don’t you all smell new fabric?)….look how wonderfully its been made….try it on (fit is perfect OF COURSE).    I know that I already have in the region of 10 -12 coats and possibly more…but I don’t have a black and white spotted one, that is so THIS SEASON Dahling!   I WANT the coat.  But I don’t ‘need’ it.   This isn’t usually a problem I have to deal with in my psyche.  I don’t usually weigh this up, so maturity is a bloody heavy burden to me.  I’m not liking it too much.   So what’s the problem? ……

It’s ‘R’s birthday….THIS is the problem.  I am in said shop with sole purpose of purchasing an appropriate gift for R.

Reluctantly, and with a heavy heart, I step away from the coat and make my way to the electrical department….Oh I can feel the joy just coming back into my life with every step I take.

‘R’ wants a digital photo frame.  Bloody typical.  The one that I researched in depth and decided upon, they don’t have in stock…aaaaggghhh…..so I have to take the 7 inch one and not the 8inch one.   I could have had 10 inches apparently but the young (20 ish) male sales assistant assured me that there was no difference in quality with the additional inches…I gave a ‘ knowing look’ over my glasses and said ‘Oh but I beg to differ!’   It made my purchasing experience so much ‘more’………and went off with a smile.  Leaving a red faced assistant!

Fast forward a week.

‘R’ wasn’t pleased I got the 7 inch frame….had to return it.   John Lewis still had none in stock of the 8 inch so I got a refund.  Had a little peruse through ladies wear….underwear, shoes, handbags……COATS!!!!!!!!!

Guess what????   MY COAT HAS BEEN REDUCED!!!!  WOO HOO!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS  I knew I had a ‘friend’ looking over me    The man from up above say YES!

I didn’t need any persuading this time so I bought it and saved myself money….oh I love a bargain!  (might be able to buy a new pair of red leather gloves now also     But, little did I know that this coat was truly magical…..despite the fact that it is probably the brightest, loudest item of clothing I own (apart from my bright yellow one!)  It renders me completely INVISIBLE!!!  magic…voila….don the coat and i’m gone!

Now, I didn’t realise this when I bought it, obviously….and John Lewis’s obviously didn’t realise what a commodity they have in their store, but my God, It’s powerful.   I don’t know if it’s just this one….If it’s down to the wearer or a wonderful combination of both?

The first time it was tested was on an outing to a new car showroom.  We are constantly being bombarded with news stories in the media about the credit crunch and how hard it is hitting new car sales.  Erm, think again………So, there I am standing in the middle of a Mercedes dealership on a Saturday afternoon.  Looking pretty smart (I thought so!) Black boots, black skirt, black jumper, NEW Black and white spot coat, Red glasses…..black leather gloves, Mulberry black patent handbag….and red spotty stick (matches my glasses of course!)  Red lipstick ……   There must have been at least 6 or 7 salesmen, all of which ignored me totally.  Seriously…ignored me.   I went up to one of them asked them to show me an SLK convertible that was outside, so he asked me to go outside and he would come out with the keys.  He didn’t….he started talking to another customer…how rude.   I came back inside and again asked him, and he said ’sorry, i’ll have to get someone else as i’m dealing with a customer’ !!!!!   erm…what side of the face would you like your slap Sir???     Again, I stood there, patiently.   There was a flurry of activity with other people but I felt as if I was the elephant in the room and everyone was ignoring me like the plague.

Then it occured to me…..I was invisible!!!   At the time I thought it was my red spotted stick….but occasionally I have a green striped one, or a blue and yellow funky one, so it wasn’t that.    I was about to grab the next person that came near me….by the throat (the thought seriously crossed my mind)  and instead, I again, politely went across to a salesman and said ‘ I sincerely hope that your sales figures are good this month, because your apathy and ignorance has just lost you my business’  and I walked out.

My theory was again put to the test the week later;    I had a hospital appointment in St Albans.  I don’t know why I went really, other than curiosity now, oh and just to ‘play’ with the registrars.   I never see the consultant himself, he’s far too important to deal with the likes of me, whose knee he has cocked up over the past 5 operations….but am I bitter….yes I am just a little!    There are things that I would quite like to do with both knees, and it isn’t skiing   It was a totally pointless appointment, because said ‘registrar’ says ‘you really need to see the consultant’!!!!!   YES….I could of told you that!!!!  ’so can you come back next week?’  ……No I couldn’t because i’ve actually changed consultants, after one registrar telling me that I was ‘entitled to a 2nd opinion’.  I’m hopeful that I may eventually get somewhere, but that somewhere might be on crutches!  NEVER.

So…feeling very p’d off and irritated that they had wasted my time yet again…I took myself off to Harpenden.  I was in need of serious coffee and lots of it.  Oh and cake and anything else scrummy.  I was so hungry by the time I got there that I was thinking of stopping at a garage to get a turkish delight just to eat pre cake…..but I’m just sooooo virtuous, so I didn’t….honest!

There is a wonderful little delicatessen there.  So much nicer than the large Starbucks, Costa, Pret and all that malarky don’t you think?  I think its important to support local shops.  So I opted for there.   Its fabulous, with beautiful fresh meat, cheese, pasta, olives and homemade dishes…..so the smell inside is simply divine.  And I am STARVING.  I’m grumpy when I’m hungry.    The shop has gradually over the last year or so, been taken over by tables, internally, as the demand for coffee and lunches has increased.  Good on them…moving on with the times.   It was about 50% full I would guess, and mainly ‘yummy mummy’ brigade.   I take a seat.   My seat is central to the restaurant.   I’m sure that you can’t miss me, however, I am again resplendent in invisible coat and seriously underestimate its properties!

I watched the protocol to make sure that I had it right.  A young man took a seat near to the front window, minutes after I had sat down.   Within milliseconds, the young waitress approached him, smiled and took his order for coffee.   I felt sure that she would then come to me.  Noooooo……she’s goes and makes his coffee.   I look around and see another couple behind the counter and one other clearing tables.  Okay, don’t be too hasty….patience Louise…..NOT my greatest virtue.    Window man gets his coffee….then ’she’ takes his order.   Right, she’ll come to me now?   Nope.   Still no waitress in sight.   I’m getting a little bit annoyed now.  I don’t even have anyone to moan at because I can’t get any service on my phone.   I leer at the people behind the counter as if to say ‘anyone going to serve me or WHAT?’!!  and still I’m ignored.   The guy clearing plates and generally tidying makes a wide berth of my table.  At this point I try to discretely do that thing that Kevin Kline as Otto does in ‘A Fish called Wanda’ where he keeps sniffing his armpits…because I’m convinced that I must smell offensively of something…why else would they keep f***ing ignoring me!

Waitress is lovingly slicing smoked salmon and laying it onto a plate already adorned with an exquisite looking colourful array of salad leaves, olives,  sundried tomatoes and foccacia bread…this is no ordinary food….this is Harpenden delicatessen lovingly prepared hand sliced salmon for incredibly good looking sexy guy sitting in the window that has now finished his f***ing coffee….FOOD…. PLEASE OH PLEASE!

She takes over the plate and places it everso gently onto the table…I’m sure that her cheek may have brushed his as she pulled away, and I’m quite sure that I saw her curtsey….how cute     Inside of me is writhing like the famous Edvard Munch painting The Scream….only mine is saying ‘PLEASE BRING ME A FUCKING COFFEE’    I’m so sorry…I honestly don’t swear this much except for when I’m caffeine or champagne deprived (or extremely irritated) .

OMG OMG OMG…..Waitress is coming towards me!!!  excitement I can hardly contain myself.    Oh, I don’t believe it….she was actually intending to walk straight past me to the kitchen!   OH NO SHE WASN’T…..just attempt it if you dare.    ‘Excuse me’  I said ‘Was anyone actually intending to serve me today?’ ‘It’s just that I had forgotten that I had my invisible coat on that was making is SO difficult for you to see me’      Sarcasm and irony doesn’t usually roll off my tongue quite so well.   I did eventually get my coffee and a very nice panini – 40 minutes after my arrival in the deli.   Although it was very nice,  I couldn’t possibly enjoy it (how could I?) next time I shall go to Starbucks, Costa or Pret……even with my magical coat.

My God, I’m going to have fun in this coat

Tried experimenting with other spots, but to no avail….In the coat there is no sign of me whatsoever…..