Bollocks, Bollocks, Bollocks.   So there.   No it’s not just gratuitous bollocks, it’s quite simply my take on life right now.   I know its been absolutely eons since i’ve written and there is so much to catch up on, but actually it’s all bollocks!  Life is bollocks sometimes isn’t it?  and despite the fact that I’m a Lady through and through, no other word will quite do right now.  If you’re offended…tough.  I suggest you stop reading.  This is my blog, and I’ll write what I like, and how I like it.

I used to be so prolific at writing a blog.  Sometimes 3 times a day…I just couldn’t seem to stop the creative flow…and now, it takes a lot to get me started.  It’s not like I really don’t have the time.  I have as much time as I did before, and I still love it as much as I did before.  Maybe I’m just lazy, or maybe I have nothing to say anymore?  Erm…yeah rite!!!

If nothing else, I ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY on everything….sooooo what’s been going on then.  Well, quite simply;

I HAD A LOBOTOMY ……

Oh you may smile and think ‘ha, this is a joke’….another of la diva’s little jesting ways with words….but no, not really.  You see, I went in hospital for an operation on my leg (q’uelle surprise!) No.6, and when I came home I found they’d tampered with my head somewhat….and not in a pleasant way either!

Gone were my carefree, happy go lucky & smiley days.  They were replaced with dark days filled with thoughts of shotguns, tablets and how to get through the next few seconds.  The days were, quite simply, thought filled and very….BLACK.

I know we all have little ‘off’ days, and times in our lives of trouble and turmoil, but this just wouldn’t switch off.  To add insult to injury  I daren’t leave home due to panic attacks.  So I became trapped, and it all became self perpetuating.  Shut off from friends because I couldn’t tell anyone how i felt…..and who would want a friend like that anyway.   So its been a hard time dealing with it alone.

HOWEVER…..

IT WASN’T ‘ME’…..this state of mind had been induced by the powerful anaesthetic drugs that I had a severe reaction to.    A failed epidural, followed by failed morphine (adverse reaction whilst inserting through canula) and followed very quickly by fentanyl….. was a recipe for mind play.

I am very very pleased and relieved to say that one day, as quick as it came, the switch flicked off and ‘I’ returned to normality (as normal as i’ll ever be!) and it was such a marked difference.  It was so bizarre….like a light switch suddenly being switched on…..but OMG, what a day!

It taught me who my real friends were though.  Sadly, when you’re low, you’re on your own.  I think I needed to go through that to make me see more clearly.  I wish it had cleared my judgment on a lot more though.   I used to think I was quite perceptive about people and was a good judge of character, but I think i’m losing my touch (another story, another day!)

So, there you have it, very briefly…the lost weeks.   I was sat on a sofa with my fat arse spreading, stuffing chocolate, malt loaf and fruit gums as fast as I could into my fat face.   Thank God for Ocado delivery.  The delivery man stopped short of putting the groceries away for me, although one day I did look so incredibly rough, I think even he was tempted to make me a cup of tea.  He didn’t tho.   Shame……he’d have made a great therapist!

Bum firmly ensconced on the sofa has given me lots of time to peruse the wonderful brochure that was left for me by occupational health from Chestercare – making life easier!  OMG…..some of the gadgets would be very welcome in a sex shop.   I’m sure that Coco de Mer could adapt them for use………   Mind you, some of the gadgets i’ve been left with have already come in handy

Anyway, back to my knee….the update on that is……..My operation was June 18th.  I was assured that this was going to be the last operation I would need.  Ha ha, famous last words from God (the surgeon) ‘what’s the difference between God and a surgeon?…..God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon’   oh how damn true.    So, true to form, after op no.6, my knee now ‘pops’ out of joint!!!   BUT…..God is ‘happy with what I’ve done’  ‘I have corrected what you presented with’ …..Yes, thats as maybe, but you have left me with several other serious problems!   Am now at my wits end and not sure what to do about leg other that have a go at DIY surgery myself, after all, It can’t be ‘that’ difficult can it?  If a surgeon has had 6 goes and can’t get it right………….hmmmmmm

Update on life….. To be continued!