A spot of DIY….

A spot of DIY…..2nd article for www.moanaboutmen.com

Bad Diva

Peaches and cream; gin and tonic; Fred and Ginger; DIY and La Diva.  Okay, spot the odd one out? You’ve got it.  DIY and la diva are two words that you just wouldn’t naturally associate in the same sentence, so you can imagine my complete surprise when an email lands in my inbox suggesting that I would like to write an article on such a subject matter…. ‘DIY’.

To say I did a double take was an understatement.  I re read the email a few times and even sent it off to the delightful Douglas (Brimson) for confirmation that it was indeed meant for me, as the only makeshift implements for any ‘do it yourself’ that I actually possess are a hearty soled, stout walking shoe which doubles as a damn good hammer when needed, (the heel fell off the other one, after the dog had managed a good chew at it..…Fortunately) and a favourite knife which I managed to blunt in an afternoon of showing off how clever I was at knife throwing.  I wasn’t clever, and that one remaining knife from my ‘oh so expensive Japanese’ knife set is testament to my lack of skill at knife throwing AND debating (aka arguing).  I spectacularly lost at both.  It is now a trophy screwdriver with a very square, blunt tip.  I also possess a pair of pliers.  Okay, so technically they’re tweezers…..details, details, they do the same job….eventually.  I am nothing if not tenacious.

Reality sunk in with a 20 second telephone call from my dear, outspoken friend who said in a nutshell “you dozy blonde, re read and insert the word SEX”  Ah yes, so now the penny drops, THIS makes much more sense, La Diva & DIY ‘SEX’.  I don’t know how I’d managed to skip over it, as it was plain to see from the outset, but in my defense I had been reading rather a lot and the words were beginning to blur.  Come to think of it, isn’t that an argument that is used from a young age to stop you having a little play and exploration? “Don’t do that darling, you’ll go blind”.  Obviously that’s why we all need glasses as we get older, due to our deteriorating sight.  They don’t ask that question on a health questionnaire, or put that sign up at the opticians do they!

BAD woman.....

Now I am nothing if not candid in my openness and fondness for all sexual activities, of which I am quite happy to talk about, but which can sometimes come as a shock to your naïve friends, when you’re sipping through the froth on your hot cappuccino in the peaceful haven of a Costa coffee bar.  Although in this instance, I was the one left open mouthed at a revelation I wasn’t quite prepared for…….

My friend, aged 39 and happily married with one child, left me wholly bemused by her candid revelation that she’d never owned or used a vibrator.  If that wasn’t enough to leave my face as long as SJP’s, she further reveals that neither has she EVER indulged in a little playful, self DIY, tweaking or otherwise.  My face was a picture. Probably akin to that of a plastic blow up doll, with mouth open wide and wide staring eyes.  My red lipstick wouldn’t have helped the look, but I needn’t have worried, as dear friend probably wouldn’t note the similarities anyway, although I’m sure the shriek from me and ‘that’ look, made a few customers wonder if there was a Meg Ryan moment about to erupt!

My horror was to be further compounded later that evening, in an animated phone call with another of my oldest friends.  Upon relaying the details of my little research subject, she too informs me that she has neither experienced or owned the likes of a rampant rabbit, bullet, love eggs, or anything else that enhances pleasurable feelings……well, other than chocolate  (Which as any woman will tell you, is THE best aphrodisiac there is, although the thought of Daniel Craig in those little shorts works well for me).  For a woman of 48 to be quite so unworldly was a revelation and even more shocking, and yet on another level, strangely sad.

Okay, I do understand that some of the shop bought specific gadgets can seem a little intimidating, but I’m also surprised that they have never actually engaged in any sexual activity other than with a man present and active (‘active’ status varies from model to model so I’m not sure that ‘active’ is an appropriate use of the word).

Now, I’m not entirely certain that I totally believe the tales I’m being told.  You see, I think that if I were to do a little rummage around their homes, no doubt I could find tell tale items that prove a different story to the naivety of their words and innocent faces.   Whether intentional or not, our homes are packed with DIY items.  Or maybe there’s the possibility that it’s just my mind!

1. The washing machine.  Oh purleeeeze. There can’t be a woman on this planet that hasn’t put her machine on fast spin and stood close enough to get a momentary thrill. With a leather clad ‘Orgasmatron’ available complete with saddle you don’t even have to be discreet about it. http://www.dominicwilcox.com/orgasmatron.html There are 6 settings are from Oh to Ooooooh!  So its not true, you don’t only get an ‘ooh’ with Typhoo!

Meg Ryan eat your heart out!

You don't only get an ooh!......

2. Electric toothbrush.  Use the brushless side for a gentle buzz as they are specifically ‘designed to get between hard to reach places’ (although they’re already gentle enough for any little buttons they may come into contact with) An added bonus is that it may save any unnecessary blushes when travelling.  You wouldn’t mind pulling a rogue, vibrating toothbrush out of your bag at airport security but a rabbit out of the hat is one trick too far.  Even for me! (Although there is now a specially made adaptor! http://www.tingletip.com/index.html)

3 & 4 Shower hose & bath tap.   You can’t tell me that that when you’ve stood in the shower, with a shower hose in your hand, pulsating the water over your body, that there hasn’t been a time when concentrating on those nooks and crannies hasn’t induced a little more tingling than from the sensation of the water hitting your sensitive skin!  Okay, I do appreciate that if you’ve got a shower head that trickles water as in some pratt standing on your hosepipe in the garden, then you’re not in for much fun at all, but if you’re lucky enough to be able to vary the strength and pulse…..then woohoo, linger a little longer.

If you don’t have a shower at all, well make do with the bath tap running whilst laying in the bath (oh don’t say you haven’t thought of it) AND I am not responsible for any heat or friction induced injuries…common sense MUST prevail, do test the water temperature beforehand.  And don’t be tempted to stick your toe up the tap. Would hate to have to call a fireman for such an emergency…….

5. Vibrating Razor.  When choosing your next weapon of choice…err razor, make sure to choose wisely.  Preferably one with a vibrating handle!  The vibration is pretty useless as its intended use as an aid to hair removal, however, once finished, replace the safety guard, flip it over and keep up the momentum with the vibrating handle!   If caught in the act, you really can say “I am just shaving my legs”……

6. Food.  I’m sure that this is incredibly self explanatory, but don’t just think about the obvious….explore the freezer too.  Ice pops have their uses on a very warm day….

7. Fingers.  I’m NOT talking sponge fingers! Do not attempt playing with sugary sponge fingers. They’re too crumbly, too sugary (sugar induces yeast infection….I’ll say no more!) ooh, just NO!

I am shocked that in these enlightened times, that there are women who have not experienced the pleasures that some of these gadgets whether bought or improvised, can bring.  if you don’t know your way around your body, what you like (or don’t like), how can you expect your partner to be a good lover? YOU are responsible for your pleasure and you need to tell them, show them what you like or don’t like.  It’s only by experimenting that you can truly know and an added proven benefit is not only stress relief but also headache relief. So girls,  when you feel you have a headache coming on, don’t reach for the paracetamol or whatever else you might generally take to relieve the pain, don your tool belt and aim for a bit of DIY, if of course you don’t have a handy man readily available to take care of all eventualities.  (The only exception to this being that if you’re on the 14:35 train from Doncaster to St Pancras, paracetamol should probably be the first choice of item to whip out of your handbag, to avoid unnecessary stares!)

However, taking it all on board, in the words of Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell “Ain’t nothing like the real thing baby”……