Lie back and think of England…..

Lie back and think of England......

How fortuitous that the forthcoming Royal Wedding of William & Kate is on a Friday…Casual Sex day!

‘Crown Jewels’ a condom company surely must’ve seen that coming?  I’m shocked that they haven’t sneaked that little picture and slogan along with their ‘Lie back and think of England’ tag line……

However, I have to applaud the company not only for their astuteness in cashing in on the multi million pound wheel of fortune in the thirst for Royal memorabilia which seems to be gaining momentum daily, but also for taking tacky tastelessness to a whole new level….beyond the gutter.

“Like a Royal Wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion”

“Like a Royal wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion” states the spiel on the ‘timeless souvenir heirloom collector’s box’, that looks more like a box with contents of a jigsaw puzzle than  containing three individually wrapped condoms…apparently a very regal purple to boot.   Oooh, and as an added extra enticement, the box also ‘includes a collectible portrait of the Royal Couple as they might appear on their wedding day – exclusively created for Crown Jewels’.  Woop de doo, my right Royal cup is overflowing with excitement.

The fact that I’m blogging about it actually peeves me, because it’s actually almost advertising them, but I’m incensed by it!  So incensed that, not content with having eaten half the remains of a Waitrose tiramisu dessert, 2 crème brulees and a whole packet of Cadburys buttons (oh yes, we’re talking GIANT buttons here…and large pack to add insult to injury) I am now firmly ensconced again on the sofa, this time with a bowl of ice cream to which I have also added just a couple of chocolate chips for added bite!  Well, I did skip breakfast…..or did I?  Damn, must be the manopause again……

These eating binges usually only happen on two occasions; when I’m stressed, and when I’m not!   And I’m stressing about this, which is ridiculous…I don’t even NEED condoms!

I’m certainly not with Lady Alice Hillingdon, Wife of 2nd Baron Hillingdon, whom allegedly said “I am happy now that George calls on my bedchamber less frequently than of old.  As it is, I now endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England, but when I’ve laid down with someone using a condom, It was rather reassuring to know that we were both reasonably protected!

Promising a ‘Royal union of pleasure….Truly a King amongst Condoms’.  Joker in the pack would be more apt.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but REAL condoms protect against unwanted pregnancy and STD’s?  Well think again…..

Crown Jewels obviously don’t think YOURs are worth protecting….and you’ll certainly get an unforgettable occasion if you use these as you would expect their intended use to be.  Re their disclaimer  ‘Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STD’s’ !!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and surprise surprise, nor are they ‘supplied to, or approved by, Prince William of Wales, Catherine Middleton or any member of the Royal Family’

So, with all this information available to you, I implore you to save the £5 for 3, or £13.30 for 9 (+p&p) and buy something useful.  After all, what on earth are you going to do with these? I can’t see them flying en mass, a la bunting style at the numerous street parties that have apparently been planned?  My alternative suggestions are ‘nothing’

Nothing....says what it does!

or  a ‘flying f*ck’ although, my personal favourite would be for you to all send me your £5 and in return I’ll send you some super-duper, fancy cling film (can’t guarantee it’d be purple) and an elastic band.  Oh and I could throw in some tacky plastic union jack bunting or windy windmill (take your pick …far more fun and much more useful than a purple penis sheath that might just wiggle at you, given a little encouragement!

Apparently there’s not even a purple ribbon in the box either…doesn’t everyone tie a purple ribbon around the base of their appendage? …..perhaps it’s a personal thing to me ….

I can’t wait their ‘coming soon’ condoms:

• Extra large Empire Condoms,
• Extra strong Churchill Condoms,
• Everyday English Cuppa Condoms,
• ‘Saville Row’ Bespoke Condoms

I’m quite intrigued at how the ‘Bespoke’ ones will work in practice…perhaps I should offer my services? I am after all in need of a vocation…I might just have found it!   However, I think after their little disclaimer I think they’ve missed a proper English treat….Spotted Dick Condoms…..

• 

Who give a…….****

Right I’m off to polish my tiara, find a gown and await a prince charming.  Still, at almost 50 now, I think he’s lost his way without asking directions.  Fortunately unlike sleeping beauty, I rarely sleep and although the forest is trimmed, I suspect that my prince on his white charger has charged past!

Wonder if the large purple plastic bunting is putting them off???

PS.  If you think THIS is a rant, just wait till I get started on the saga of my new car and the joys of salesmen….oh yes….