Don’t you watch your weight? ‘I don’t have to, everyone else does it for me’ I replied.  That was a few years ago now, but being a woman ‘weight’ and size has always pretty much preoccupied my psyche.  So I could have just pressed the ‘checkout’ button…but I didn’t.  Oh no.  Patience isn’t the greatest of my many virtues.  I just couldn’t wait the 5 days or more for delivery of the magic pills of sveltness, that was going to have me fitting into that waspish, waist enhancing satin basque that has been in my lingerie drawer for several months now….UNWORN,  in no time at all.   Of course, with a little effort on my part.  That is, the effort that it takes for me to keep my mouth closed in the vicinity of delicious food and even more delicious and quaffable wine!

My legs are the problem.  Yes…no.1 is that they are most definitely not long enough…..another 10 inches would suffice.  Actually, I’d settle for 6.  Which is about the only time you’d hear me say that I’d settle for 6inches in preference to 10!!   and no.2 is the fact that they don’t work.

Well the hips are fine.  They’re damn wonderful to be honest.  Fat laden lady hips….full of marshmallow and love handles that a cowboy on a bucking bronco would be pleased to feel.  Come to think of it….I quite like the vision of a cowboy at my rear, as long as he’d remembered to remove his chaps and spurs, but i’d allow him to keep his hat on    Trouble is, i’d think of  Billy Ray Cyrus singing ‘Achey Breaky Heart’…God how i HATE that song.  ( AND, to add insult to injury, it mentions my name in the middle of it);

Oh tell your Aunt Louise, tell anything you please

Myself already knows that I’m okay

Oh you can tell my eyes to watch out for my mind

It might be walking out on me today

So, my legs….SOD THE LEGS!  ISN’T HE DAMN FINE!!!!

Right, back to the story   My legs.  So, I’m having a few problems with my legs…..again.  Unlike most people, I can’t just take myself off a couple of miles walk every day for a bit of excercise.  So that word ‘excercise’ doesn’t exactly fit too well in my vocabulary……  I shy away from it whenever possible, unless of course its a horizontal kind.  No wonder I have pretty good eyes and eyelashes (for my age)…they’re always asleep and well rested and ready for lots of excercise in the form of fluttering.  Very useful for gaining extra chocolate flakes in your 99 ice cream cones.  Well anything helps once you are post 25

In the past few months i’ve had rather too many extra flakes in my ice creams, and well, rather too many ice creams really.  Sitting about has taken its toll on my fat bum and as I can’t excercise ‘properly’ i thought that i would try the new weight loss tablets ‘ALLI’.  I’ve read about them, done my research and carefully considered them before deciding to take the plunge and purge myself of all fats.  Because thats essentially what it does……  I know that it has reported side effects which aren’t very nice, BUT if you don’t eat the fat, then you don’t have the problem…..simple!

I’m pretty good most days anyway.  I’m careful what I eat…I would say that i’m a ‘considered’ eater.  I don’t eat things for the sake of it….with the exception of malt loaf, rowntrees fruit gums, turkish delight. Those I would eat till i’m sick (Excellent diet food then!)    So, I didn’t press the ‘checkout’ button on Boots the Chemist website, I decided that I would go there instead.  Oh, BIG MISTAKE.

(When purchasing on the website you are requested to input your height and weight details, and details of any medication currently taken.  Important to note for later!)

Its embarrassing enough to decide to take these tablets.  To feel enough of a failure as it is, but to then walk into a large store and purchase them over the counter is akin to the red faced embarrasment of a teenager buying condoms or sending a man to buy tampons.  Okay, some would be okay with it, but many aren’t.  I’m not.  But my lack of patience got the better of me.    I perused the store and placed several items in my basket; a new body buff puff (absolutely essential!) deodorant, shampoo, and vitamin tablets……before advancing to the ‘diet products’ aisle.

I spotted the ‘ALLI’ and gingerly took down a sealed package from the top shelf, in the hope than no one saw me.  Feeling very guilty, like I was removing a porn magazine from the top shelf in the newsagent (not that i would know what that felt like……..).  I snuck it in my basket and managed to cover up the package, and the accompanying book, with the array of items already in my basket.  I wandered to the checkout.  Once there, the eagle eyed assistant noticed the glowing ‘fat cow’ packet in my basket, and said ‘can’t serve you with that here….you need to go to pharmacy’  !!!!!!!   So, red faced, I had to turn around and face the queue and make my way, hobbling with my stick and my basket along to ‘Pharmacy’

Now the real fun begins………

I read the back of the packaging and it states (amongst other things) that in order to take Alli, that for my height (5ft 2) that you must be above 10st 13lbs….which I am.  Good so far.  Then I give the basket to the assistant, who in turn gives it to the pharmacist.   A man, in his 40’s slightly pot bellied himself, and a jobsworth.  ‘Erm, do you know what your BMI is, as it needs to be over 28′ he asks me.   ‘no, sorry I don’t’ i replied, ‘although, I’m 5ft 2, and i’m just under 13 stones, so I’m sure its over 28….maybe 33 ish?’  I said.    He looks, quizzically.   ‘Are you on any medication?’  he says…..  I reeled off several names of medications, all of which I already knew weren’t contra indicated to the use of this drug….I HAD done my research.  ‘Okay….i’m just going to get some money, and i need you to come with me as i need to check’   he said.     Check what??????????    I followed him like a little sheep, hobbling behind.    He takes me to a large set of electronic scales.  I assume that he’s just going to insert the money and input my weight and height and it will give him the BMI reading that he talked about…..but no.   He said ‘well’

!!!!!!!!!!!  WELL WHAT?  YOU DON’T SERIOUSLY THINK I’M GETTING ON SCALES IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORE DO YOU????   and he DID!  He said ‘well if you don’t, I’m not selling you the product’ !!!!   And I am FUCKING livid!

How dare he!!!

I said to him ‘but I could have bought this online…it doesn’t ask your BMI online?’  and he argued with me that it did!!   ‘Erm, no it doesn’t'   It does ask your weight and height, but thats all.  I’d been straight with him and already told him that, but to ask me to get on weighing scales in the middle of a store was SO embarrassing.  As was him then making a scene and refusing to sell me the item.

I’m an articulate 48 year old woman that has enough problems already with self image, not only through weight, but with having to use a walking stick.  Being put through something  so demaeaning during a regular shopping trip would make me very wary again.

Maybe I best stay like I am and don my ‘wench’ outfit and get to line dancing classes (never!)…that basque is going to be damn wenchy if i get in it now….my cup will certainly runneth over!!!

Right, think I’m in need of a holiday to re balance me……Texas, cowboys & rodeos might just have the edge over New York shopping  

I don’t care what type of gadget it is, whether its a business one (i.e PDA etc) personal one (latest phone) or whether its a household one that’s just going to make my life so much easier that I’m going to wonder how on earth i’ve managed to cope for my 48 years without it!

I suppose that in all honesty, the latter are the best. Well they must be. I have cupboards simply bursting at the seams with kitchen gadgets that I just couldn’t live without. Last week, the disability catalogue (chester healthcare) had me drooling (yes, its another problem i’m now having……) at their array of ‘must haves’ but to date I have resisted. You can almost hear an audible sigh from ‘R’ when a new catalogue drops through the letterbox. If there was an award to see how much money you can spend from the comfort of your La-z-boy chair….then for sure its mine! (i’m joking…I don’t have one of those chairs…oh perish the thought) and of course, with the internet, that world of opportunity has now widened immensely.

I’v just opened the chestercare brochure. How I’ve lived without a ‘leg lifter’ I shall never know. I might just have to order one and have it dangling on the bedposts, for those moments when my legs might need lifting……ooh, hang on darling, dont forget the ‘leg lifter’ !!!!! at £14.99, that’s a cheap bottle of supermarket champagne. After a bottle of that, I can lift my own leg thank you

So, for those of you that may like a preview of what’s to come in old age, I can thoroughly recommend a cup of tea, biscuits to dunk…..and a healthcare catalogue. It’ll be guaranteed to have you limping to the gym in no time. This should be in all doctors surgeries as ‘forthcoming attractions’ should you not heed their warnings!

There actually IS a point to this. Now you have seen the ridiculous, we move onto the sublime! I have now found ‘THE’ gadget that is going to be in everyones Christmas stocking this year! I kid you not…… This gadget actually HAS revolutionised my life, and for anyone thats security conscious I think this is a fabulous idea.

If you haven’t yet found a company called Lakeland www.lakeland.co.uk then I suggest you take a look . They are a kitchen/homeware company. For foodies amongst you, they have some fabulous must haves. Admittedly, I do have rather a lot of gadgets from them that were entirely necessary at the time of ordering, but are now relegated to the back of the many drawers and cupboards, but sometimes you find a gem (They have lots of gems!). I have to say that the relegation of my items is more to do with my reluctance to cook than their inability to function as intended.

So….THE Christmas gadget…. Is called ‘Hide Id’ – Its a hand held stamp which prints a series of random symbols in black. You use it to stamp over your personal details on letters and important papers etc. Yes, i’m aware that you can shred them, but not everyone has a shredder, and THIS gadget works. You really can’t see your details. Its very handy and not bulky like a shredder, and without the mess. You click and then bin your letter….. voila…..

I like simple and quirky things and this reminds me of being a child….playing at post office! Its very satisfying, clicking through a pile of papers, deleting your name and address and other details…..take that sucker!!! Fabulous stress reliever too, so its dual function. Oh and another plus….it doesn’t need batteries What more could you want from a ‘gadget’ ? Does it get more perfect than this………

Right, coffee in hand I’m now perusing the latest Lakeland catalogue. Currently on my ‘must have’ list;

Silicone chocolate moulds (no, I don’t make chocolates….but I might

Dual oven tray (there are two sections, allowing you to cook two types of food at once….i.e fish and chips!)

Strawberry huller (gadget for taking the hull from strawberries…strange that!)

I shall pass on the mushroom brush (yes seriously……) and the yoghurt spoon….again yes seriously! a spoon with a pointed tip to get into the corner of yogurt pots!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF

So, Chestercare done, Lakeland done…..ooh, I think Ann Summers could be next. Could be a LONG morning.

Now where did I put those new batteries……………..

ps. Should anyone like to send me any ‘gadgets’ with or without batteries to research or report on, then by all means do….I shall be very pleased to post my findings here!

Louise, P.O Box 779, Bedford, MK45 5YN

Worrying isn’t it.  Nothing for 3 months and then 3 within a matter of hours you shouldn’t worry, as its how my mind and body works these days!

I recently bought a new laptop with the sole purpose of being more literary minded.  I was on a blogging mission and that alone, fully justified my purchase.  My aim was to blog daily.  Well, it sounded quite plausible in theory!

Problem no.1 arose in as much as we don’t have wifi.  This meant that I couldn’t blog from my bed.  Early mornings, when you snatch* a few hours from the day are the best.  For me, i’m at my most alert…..AND I don’t feel guilty.  Problem no.2 is that, no excuse, I just got lazy and wallowed in self pity.  (Nice for a while but saps your energy)

I absolutely LOVE my bed, and my bedroom.  I love my house, but in particular my ‘boudoir’!  It gives me so much pleasure, and is so comfortable.   Ooh, a fresh, showered, buffed and pampered body that smells divine feels smooth and tastes as good as it smells ….sliding between the crisp coolness of freshly laundered sheets….Is there any small pleasure that is oh so sexy, that comes anywhere near?

Small Pleasures

So, it got me thinking about all of the other small pleasures that give so much enjoyment.  Things we take for granted but actually we should sit back and smile about.  I’m not talking of grand gestures…i’m talking ‘the froth on your coffee’ stuff….

Coffee: I have a wonderful coffee machine that makes great cappuccino, but I still get great pleasure out of going to Pret a Manger in the morning, and having a fabulously frothy cappuccino with my favourite warm almond croissant.  I swear that I would fight anyone as if my life depended on it if they only had one left and I didn’t get it.  Louboutins people fight over, but croissants they don’t…..I would!

Sooo, sat there with a thick, frothy cappuccino and sticking my tongue into the froth…making shapes.  Or scooping it off with a spoon.  Sometimes I drink the coffee and wait until there is that last thick inch or so waiting at the bottom of the cup, covered in chocolate…Mmmmmm…..  like being a little girl all over again!

Tea: I love to ‘take tea’.  And I mean in the proper English way.  china cups, teapot, milk jug etc.  There really is something so quintisentially English and traditional about it.  Being able to breakfast outside adds to that pleasure tenfold.

I wonder if the pleasure has much to do with the fact that it has echoes of the past with it?  A bygone age? Small, everyday tasks link us with the past and bring memories of childhood, parents, grandparents.  Its very heartwarming and humbling in an age where everything seems to be moving at 100mph to hang washing out on a ‘proper’ line and watch it in the breeze.  Then again, the smell of that fresh wash….aaahhh…..

No matter how they try, with fake ‘clean linen’ ‘country linen’ ‘linen breeze’ artificial aromas, nothing comes close the reality when that washing is in the basket, folded and ready to come in

I’m going to write more on small pleasures….after i’ve had a mini one myself.  (croissant, you bad lot!)

*snatch – Isn’t that a fabulous word?  Its not used enough in its correct context, and I mean ‘to grab’….for once, my pubic region shouldn’t come into it     Today i’m going to use it as much as possible now that I’ve thought of it.  Your task is to see how many times you can use it too!  Soooo, for your benefit…the definitions of ’snatch’ !!!!

1. The act of snatching; a quick grasp or grab.
2. A brief period of time: “At the end we preferred to travel all night,/Sleeping in snatches” (T.S. Eliot).
3. A small amount; a bit or fragment: a snatch of dialogue.
4. Slang. A kidnapping.
5. Sports. A lift in weightlifting in which the weight is raised in one uninterrupted motion from the floor to a position over the lifter’s head.
6. Vulgar Slang. The vulva.

“Don’t be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don’t be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb. Be yourself. But make sure you fit in.”

Anna, One Tree Hill, Truth, Bitter Truth      WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!   (its okay, it’s the word of the week   )

I don’t want to ‘fit in’, blend in or any other ‘in’….I’m ME, i’m individual, there isn’t another one like me.   How many people really, in their heart of hearts, want to conform and blend in with the beigedom of normality?   Maybe in your 70’s you might, although i’m sure that there are many 1000’s of people that would take issue with that.  My sister is one of those;

At 69, she has just had her 1st tattoo!  Now, I don’t approve of tattoos on women, at all.  I have no issue with individuality, and even piercings to a degree….but I just don’t like tattoos.  I think the artwork is amazing, IF of course you get a fantastic artist….. and I do appreciate it for its individuality and its artform….but just not on women!   With the utmost of respect to my sister, who has just had a small heart tattooed on her left bosom, with the initials DNR….(which she says stands for Do Not Resuscitate, but I think she really meant it to say ‘do not rub’!!!) My objection generally is that the elasticity in your skin diminishes with age.  what looks good at age 20, isn’t going to look quite the same on the skin of a 70 year old.  In my sisters case, its slightly different in that obviously her skin isn’t going to diminish too much more!!!

My darling daughters both have tattoos and piercings, much to my dismay and certainly not with my blessing.  Darling daughter Charlotte had her first one when she was about 15/16 and she got away with it because she said ‘its a semi permanent one’ …..her dad was with her and had been assured that it would last no longer than 5 years and that the dye would begin to break down and that she’d need it re applying.  She will be 23 this year and its as vivid today as its always been!   Daughter no.2 also tattoos.  She now has 3.  One to her foot, a pretty floral design in black.  Pretty, but it covers too large of an area.  She could have had a small daisy on her toe….that would have been enough!  A very sweet butterfly on her hip, which she designed herself….and the most recent addition, a quotation on her wrist.  I don’t get it.  I just don’t get it.

I haven’t always been so anti.  In fact, when I was growing up I always wanted one myself.  I wanted a daisy chain around my belly button.  I’ve thanked God several times that i never had it done, or else I would have been sporting sunflowers by now.   Wilting sunflowers at that!.

So…MY individuality….I like my tea from china cups….I use a handkerchief….I always wear gloves in cold weather….I like my walking sticks to match my glasses! (even my surgeon/s noted my co ordination)  I’m a Lady no matter what……Albeit one with a penchant for purple pubic hair! (currently magnificent magenta)

Now, don’t you think MY individuality is far more wicked and sexy than any tattoo?

More tea vicar?

Bollocks, Bollocks, Bollocks.   So there.   No it’s not just gratuitous bollocks, it’s quite simply my take on life right now.   I know its been absolutely eons since i’ve written and there is so much to catch up on, but actually it’s all bollocks!  Life is bollocks sometimes isn’t it?  and despite the fact that I’m a Lady through and through, no other word will quite do right now.  If you’re offended…tough.  I suggest you stop reading.  This is my blog, and I’ll write what I like, and how I like it.

I used to be so prolific at writing a blog.  Sometimes 3 times a day…I just couldn’t seem to stop the creative flow…and now, it takes a lot to get me started.  It’s not like I really don’t have the time.  I have as much time as I did before, and I still love it as much as I did before.  Maybe I’m just lazy, or maybe I have nothing to say anymore?  Erm…yeah rite!!!

If nothing else, I ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY on everything….sooooo what’s been going on then.  Well, quite simply;

I HAD A LOBOTOMY ……

Oh you may smile and think ‘ha, this is a joke’….another of la diva’s little jesting ways with words….but no, not really.  You see, I went in hospital for an operation on my leg (q’uelle surprise!) No.6, and when I came home I found they’d tampered with my head somewhat….and not in a pleasant way either!

Gone were my carefree, happy go lucky & smiley days.  They were replaced with dark days filled with thoughts of shotguns, tablets and how to get through the next few seconds.  The days were, quite simply, thought filled and very….BLACK.

I know we all have little ‘off’ days, and times in our lives of trouble and turmoil, but this just wouldn’t switch off.  To add insult to injury  I daren’t leave home due to panic attacks.  So I became trapped, and it all became self perpetuating.  Shut off from friends because I couldn’t tell anyone how i felt…..and who would want a friend like that anyway.   So its been a hard time dealing with it alone.

HOWEVER…..

IT WASN’T ‘ME’…..this state of mind had been induced by the powerful anaesthetic drugs that I had a severe reaction to.    A failed epidural, followed by failed morphine (adverse reaction whilst inserting through canula) and followed very quickly by fentanyl….. was a recipe for mind play.

I am very very pleased and relieved to say that one day, as quick as it came, the switch flicked off and ‘I’ returned to normality (as normal as i’ll ever be!) and it was such a marked difference.  It was so bizarre….like a light switch suddenly being switched on…..but OMG, what a day!

It taught me who my real friends were though.  Sadly, when you’re low, you’re on your own.  I think I needed to go through that to make me see more clearly.  I wish it had cleared my judgment on a lot more though.   I used to think I was quite perceptive about people and was a good judge of character, but I think i’m losing my touch (another story, another day!)

So, there you have it, very briefly…the lost weeks.   I was sat on a sofa with my fat arse spreading, stuffing chocolate, malt loaf and fruit gums as fast as I could into my fat face.   Thank God for Ocado delivery.  The delivery man stopped short of putting the groceries away for me, although one day I did look so incredibly rough, I think even he was tempted to make me a cup of tea.  He didn’t tho.   Shame……he’d have made a great therapist!

Bum firmly ensconced on the sofa has given me lots of time to peruse the wonderful brochure that was left for me by occupational health from Chestercare – making life easier!  OMG…..some of the gadgets would be very welcome in a sex shop.   I’m sure that Coco de Mer could adapt them for use………   Mind you, some of the gadgets i’ve been left with have already come in handy

Anyway, back to my knee….the update on that is……..My operation was June 18th.  I was assured that this was going to be the last operation I would need.  Ha ha, famous last words from God (the surgeon) ‘what’s the difference between God and a surgeon?…..God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon’   oh how damn true.    So, true to form, after op no.6, my knee now ‘pops’ out of joint!!!   BUT…..God is ‘happy with what I’ve done’  ‘I have corrected what you presented with’ …..Yes, thats as maybe, but you have left me with several other serious problems!   Am now at my wits end and not sure what to do about leg other that have a go at DIY surgery myself, after all, It can’t be ‘that’ difficult can it?  If a surgeon has had 6 goes and can’t get it right………….hmmmmmm

Update on life….. To be continued!

Whatever is in the water at that pool, I don’t know, but I’m sure that my breasts take on a whole new appearance….I kid you not, but they appear as if someone has pumped them up like a couple of  inflatable balls and this week…OMG…they were almost coming up to my chin!   The effects of the pool are bad enough but I had bought a new swimsuit from M & S too.    I was persuaded to buy it because it has a proper underwired bra in it (so much nicer for big girls) and also ‘tummy control’.   My God, has it got its work cut out with me then!  My theory (after today, and carefully worked out en route home…) is that the elastic tummy control panel is engineered in such a way that the panelling moulds everything upwards……..including my already voluptuous assets. If you are small breasted, this would be great, but with ample assets of a Diva…hmmmm I think your eyes pop out…literally!

As I sat wallowing in what has now become known as ‘champagne corner’ (its my ‘resting’ corner…..) because it has a single air vent blowing bubbles a la champagne style…you could hardly call it a Jacuzzi.  It also has its name because I do very little there except sit and chat and think about drinking champagne! I think its incredibly mean of the NHS not to provide a little afternoon delight in some form or another, and champagne or mojito time would definitely aid the healing process…and of course spur on the hydro session

They’d all be up for it….especially that James. James is one of the therapists too. Very quiet, lovely Irish James…BUT….I think James is really quite wicked and has a dark little streak. It was the glint in his eye that twinkled during a brief bit of banter about a session in the pool with balls….and cracking the whip! Hmmm…innocence my arse. They say the quiet ones are the worse. I’m going to have to keep a close eye on James!! He’s in cahoots with Peter I think…..or maybe Peter is leading him astray……

I missed last weeks water play due to ‘R’ having an unfortunate accident and landing up at the A & E department.   I wondered how much quieter it was in my forced absence, however, from what I understand after today’s session, I don’t think the mayhem was much alleviated by the disappearing Diva because its not really me that causes it…its that Peter!!!

So, I finish my session today and despite my intention of being a quickie…its still an hour (its supposed to be 20 mins).  There are 2 showers located adjacent to the pool, but in the aisle. They have just a shower curtain as the ‘door’ but its never worried me in the past…….. I always take my towel, toiletries etc with me to the pool so that I don’t have to go back to the changing room. So, I go to the first shower. Last time I was there this one wasn’t working, however….Peter had used it before getting into the pool today, so I knew it was okay…..

…… I turn on the shower…..and strip off…NAKED…(bright pink pubic hair glowing) and wait for the water to warm up. I step in and it is FFFFFFFFreeeeezing!!!!!!! Despite being on the highest setting, the water is barely one tepid.     OMG, I shrieked.          Barbara who sorts out the appointments comes running, thinking something terrible has happened….pulls back the curtain and there is me naked!!!

So she gets a full eyeful!   Poor Barbara, doesn’t know where to look, and is fiddling around with the control and turns it colder, which I didn’t think was possible!! The few people in the pool can hear the commotion…Barbara is getting wetter and I’m freezing, and still naked.   Reluctantly we gave up and resolved ourselves to the fact there was a problem and that maintenance would need to be called.   So I washed off the remaining shower gel with icy cold water, and wrapped my towel around my now blue skin, and rubbed vigorously in an attempt to get some blood flowing to warm me!

As I poked my head around the corner, I could see Peter laughing cheekily…….WHODUNNIT!

Actually, I was born on a Sunday so it seems pretty irrational that I have an affinity for Tuesdays, but trust me on this, Tuesdays are THE next big thing and Fridays are just so passé now!

Monday -  Well, I’ve yet to meet anyone that’s excited by a Monday. Whether its just peer pressure or learned behaviour over time. EVERYONE hates Mondays….including Bob Geldoff, whom you would have thought was a kind of Monday guy. He never really has much drive in his voice normally and yet when he is angry or passionate about something, you know it! He typifies Mondays for me. Of course there’s always Victor Meldrew…….

Tuesday -  THE day. It’s a day of hope and life. You have got the dreaded Monday out of the way and can actually get on with something and be productive. It’s fresh, exciting and vibrant. Tuesdays are like a Spring day. You feel quite renewed and ready to tackle anything. The drudgery of Monday is behind you. Is a quirky day….a bit unique….the far side. Don’t go with the flow and stick with Fridays as THE day….be yourself. That’s what it is for me.

Wednesday – By Wednesday you are now beginning to wind down. It’s the halfway point in the week and you are beginning to subtly switch off and do less.  Friday is in sight.

Thursday – You might as well not bother getting out of bed! Terrible day. Either you have switched off totally, because Friday is SO close and you are winding down for that, or you are frantic thinking ‘oh my God, where has my week gone and I’ve got nothing done!’ and you end up working ridiculously late to finish something for a deadline so that you can coast into Friday…Dread THE Thursday!

Friday – A lot of fuss about nothing. A day that has a lot riding on it but without substance. You’ve struggled through your week in order to get here and for what??? To enjoy maybe 2 or 3 hours at the of the day……If you’re lucky!!! IT’S FAR TOO SHORT!!!

By Friday afternoon you are totally non productive anyway, and the rule of EVERYDAY, is that you always get more work done in the last hour of the day, no matter how you’ve spent your day. Might as well only work one hour a day and make it from 4-5.….oh, and preferably on a Tuesday!

Saturday – A reluctant day. Possibly involving MORE work than you’ve done all week. If you have family then it’s a day for them, so you could end up doing things reluctantly for their enjoyment other than your own. Alternatively, its always a great day to start a project that you know is always going to remain 95% done, because the last 5% just doesn’t seem worth doing…..or maybe its just me! Of course, this assumes that you are actually in the real world on this day. If you’ve crammed so much alcohol into those last few hours of Friday night, you may just have to spend all day in bed. Not that it’s ever happened to me of course…I’ve been told about it

Sunday – A day of rest….yeah rite! Sundays should be croissants, coffee, brunches, Sunday lunches, a walk in the park with the dogs….ice creams, lazy afternoons with friends a the pub. Hmmm…how many times does it actually happen though? Mostly, you spend the day washing, doing the garden, cooking, going to DIY superstore …..and then slump in front of TV to watch Antiques Roadshow with a cup of tea and slice of Battenberg……dreading the thought of Monday!!!!

So, take heed of my words….TUESDAY is THE next big thing….you heard it here first….OKAY!!!

I’m not sure whether Yegs, my therapist was really ready for me in the hydro pool! I LOVE going to hydrotherapy. Despite that fact that it renders me useless and in terrible pain for days afterwards, I LOVE it. It’s the people that make it fun though. I’m a shy retiring type of girl….hmmm……so, in the pool we (Yegs and I) have a LOT to talk about….and laugh about! She’s such a lovely girl, but such a cow to me!!! In the nicest possible way that therapists are. Making me do things with my legs that both they and I are incredibly reluctant to do. I pull a face and try the whimsical look of innocence which says ‘please don’t let this hurt me’….but she has none of it, and makes me do it anyway!!

My breasts seem to have become the subject of much discussion just lately though….damn, and I never thought that anyone had noticed! Thank God I am well trimmed and don’t wear a white swimsuit or ‘la Diva’s’ colour preference would REALLY give them something to talk about!!!

I know that they are ‘out there’ and that they’re large, but I’ve kind of grown into them now, so I don’t notice them…until that is I had to buy a new bra or 5 to be exact, and discover that I’ve increased cup size by 3 sizes! (you have to buy several colours and briefs to match…it’s a requirement when you enter a lingerie shop ) Hydro is working something, if not my knees!!!

So….there we were in the pool, Yegs and I, and she puts a ‘float’ on my foot….at which point this then counterbalances me (should be unbalances me really!) and I begin to float off backwards. A remark is made that ‘you’re never going to drown with those!!!’ and MUCH laughter ensued! Peter raised his eyebrows and smiled, not sure that he had overheard the conversation correctly….but it did appear to put him off his exercises. So that was my introduction to Peter.

He’s a lovely, funny guy. Recovering from a motorbike accident where someone tried to kill him, by reversing into him. I kid you not…. So, for fun, Peter has made it his sole purpose of his hydro sessions to poke fun at me and banter!! All in a really lovely ‘fun’ way though, and I wouldn’t be offended in the slightest. Although he did come close this week when he said ‘have you noticed how the therapists are all so much thinner than us’ !!!! Oi!! You speak for yourself…..the water magnifies things!   Well, that’s my excuse. Which I thought was working until today!

Tuesday is hydro day.

I do have another reason to LOVE Tuesdays but a girl just has to keep some things close to her chest…….or breasts

(yes i’m aware it’s Wednesday when posting this blog, but as you know….I’m late for everything )

There was a time when I regularly used to drink 4 litres of water per day. Yes, I’m not exaggerating, seriously 4 litres! How on earth I could have consumed this amount, is today quite beyond me. It was whilst dieting…oh what a surprise for you all, a woman that diets! It is a hideous amount and far beyond the bounds of ‘normality’, however, it was all for the good of a ‘lighter life’. This was also supplemented with 3 equally scrumptious ‘meals’ of yet more liquid in the form of soup or milk shake. Hmmm….milk shake…the term should be used very loosely.   Trades Descriptions might have a field day on that score…Starbucks frappuccino this definitely isn’t!   However, that said, the total effect of water logging after 100 days (the sign up period) was a weight loss of 3 ½ stones, so I really shouldn’t complain too much. It did what it said, and a bit that it didn’t say… my hair falling out and bad breath!  Since that time I have now gained 1 ½ stones and every day I think…hmmm…more water needed fat cow!   But I struggle with it (the water, not being a fat cow!) The most I seem to manage now is a measly 1 litre at best. Tea, coffee and other soft drinks aren’t counted into the liquid intake quota….purely water.

HOWEVER….as soon as night falls and I am fast asleep….HELLOOOOOOO WAKEY WAKEY…Drinky poo time! My body goes into a state that I can only describe as ‘stranded in a desert’ mode…and my tongue is akin to that of a cat, and is firmly stuck to the roof of my mouth. So, every night, without fail I swig my way through 750ml of water, which I drink as though my life depended upon it. I do have a rather lovely water decanter and glass to use, but my vial of choice is straight from the bottle…like a baby sucking hungrily from its mother. I don’t like the plastic bottles, they aren’t pretty, they don’t look nice at the side of the bed, but I don’t spill them anymore!   Now, when you suck heavily on a plastic bottle, they crinkle very quickly and make a loud cracking noise. But not last night…….. Oh no. Last night, well approximately 3.30am this morning when I eventually went to bed (excitement can be so annoying) I needed drink. I started vigorously sucking at the bottle, and as I let go…..it ‘popped’. Not a discreet little ‘pop’ as it sounds but a fuck off BANG like someone firing a starting pistol!! ‘R’ sat bolt upright in bed thinking we were under attack…..poor little Lily backflipped off the end of the bed in her haste to get the intruder, Maddie appeared at the door with her tail between her legs, cowering and wanting comfort, but Reggie that had been asleep on the floor of the ensuite, could barely lift his eyes, let alone his head!

I shall have to adapt my sucking method to a more genteel style in future……

OMG…I can’t honestly believe that the last time that I actually blogged it was JANUARY!   I know that I kept saying that I was going to do it, but I was busy….honest guv.    Busy doing what I’m not actually sure, but these days everything  just takes SO much longer.

Not only that, but I have now become invisible…..strange but true…….

You might have noticed that I am a woman   I am incredibly feminine, I love to smell nice, look good, feel good…I love beautiful things, I’m very tactile….I’m irritable for a fraction of the day (of course that’s when I’m asleep!) oh, and did I mention that I quite like to shop?   Well, maybe I should say that I ‘did’ like to shop, in days gone by, pre-knee problems.   I don’t do quite so much of it now, but when I do, I know what I like and I don’t actually like to compromise much (irritable!) because I don’t see why I should (cantakerous too!)   So, there I am nonchalantly wandering through John Lewis’s.  I like that shop.  You can pretty much buy everything under one roof.  Note the pretty much everything, because there are some things that I like to buy that the John Lewis Partnership simply wouldn’t dare to have disgrace their stores!  Shame  (it would make it so much easier on my knees not to have to walk to other shops……)

Anyway, as always I digress…..I was walking through the store and this coat literally jumps out at me.  I’m not joking….it attacked me.  Visually of course.  What else did you think?  Some animatronic mannequin attacking shoppers in John Lewis..pah!  Now Harvey Niks I could believe….but Lewis’s NEVER.

I lovingly caress the coat…stroke it….smell it (don’t you all smell new fabric?)….look how wonderfully its been made….try it on (fit is perfect OF COURSE).    I know that I already have in the region of 10 -12 coats and possibly more…but I don’t have a black and white spotted one, that is so THIS SEASON Dahling!   I WANT the coat.  But I don’t ‘need’ it.   This isn’t usually a problem I have to deal with in my psyche.  I don’t usually weigh this up, so maturity is a bloody heavy burden to me.  I’m not liking it too much.   So what’s the problem? ……

It’s ‘R’s birthday….THIS is the problem.  I am in said shop with sole purpose of purchasing an appropriate gift for R.

Reluctantly, and with a heavy heart, I step away from the coat and make my way to the electrical department….Oh I can feel the joy just coming back into my life with every step I take.

‘R’ wants a digital photo frame.  Bloody typical.  The one that I researched in depth and decided upon, they don’t have in stock…aaaaggghhh…..so I have to take the 7 inch one and not the 8inch one.   I could have had 10 inches apparently but the young (20 ish) male sales assistant assured me that there was no difference in quality with the additional inches…I gave a ‘ knowing look’ over my glasses and said ‘Oh but I beg to differ!’   It made my purchasing experience so much ‘more’………and went off with a smile.  Leaving a red faced assistant!

Fast forward a week.

‘R’ wasn’t pleased I got the 7 inch frame….had to return it.   John Lewis still had none in stock of the 8 inch so I got a refund.  Had a little peruse through ladies wear….underwear, shoes, handbags……COATS!!!!!!!!!

Guess what????   MY COAT HAS BEEN REDUCED!!!!  WOO HOO!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS  I knew I had a ‘friend’ looking over me    The man from up above say YES!

I didn’t need any persuading this time so I bought it and saved myself money….oh I love a bargain!  (might be able to buy a new pair of red leather gloves now also     But, little did I know that this coat was truly magical…..despite the fact that it is probably the brightest, loudest item of clothing I own (apart from my bright yellow one!)  It renders me completely INVISIBLE!!!  magic…voila….don the coat and i’m gone!

Now, I didn’t realise this when I bought it, obviously….and John Lewis’s obviously didn’t realise what a commodity they have in their store, but my God, It’s powerful.   I don’t know if it’s just this one….If it’s down to the wearer or a wonderful combination of both?

The first time it was tested was on an outing to a new car showroom.  We are constantly being bombarded with news stories in the media about the credit crunch and how hard it is hitting new car sales.  Erm, think again………So, there I am standing in the middle of a Mercedes dealership on a Saturday afternoon.  Looking pretty smart (I thought so!) Black boots, black skirt, black jumper, NEW Black and white spot coat, Red glasses…..black leather gloves, Mulberry black patent handbag….and red spotty stick (matches my glasses of course!)  Red lipstick ……   There must have been at least 6 or 7 salesmen, all of which ignored me totally.  Seriously…ignored me.   I went up to one of them asked them to show me an SLK convertible that was outside, so he asked me to go outside and he would come out with the keys.  He didn’t….he started talking to another customer…how rude.   I came back inside and again asked him, and he said ’sorry, i’ll have to get someone else as i’m dealing with a customer’ !!!!!   erm…what side of the face would you like your slap Sir???     Again, I stood there, patiently.   There was a flurry of activity with other people but I felt as if I was the elephant in the room and everyone was ignoring me like the plague.

Then it occured to me…..I was invisible!!!   At the time I thought it was my red spotted stick….but occasionally I have a green striped one, or a blue and yellow funky one, so it wasn’t that.    I was about to grab the next person that came near me….by the throat (the thought seriously crossed my mind)  and instead, I again, politely went across to a salesman and said ‘ I sincerely hope that your sales figures are good this month, because your apathy and ignorance has just lost you my business’  and I walked out.

My theory was again put to the test the week later;    I had a hospital appointment in St Albans.  I don’t know why I went really, other than curiosity now, oh and just to ‘play’ with the registrars.   I never see the consultant himself, he’s far too important to deal with the likes of me, whose knee he has cocked up over the past 5 operations….but am I bitter….yes I am just a little!    There are things that I would quite like to do with both knees, and it isn’t skiing   It was a totally pointless appointment, because said ‘registrar’ says ‘you really need to see the consultant’!!!!!   YES….I could of told you that!!!!  ’so can you come back next week?’  ……No I couldn’t because i’ve actually changed consultants, after one registrar telling me that I was ‘entitled to a 2nd opinion’.  I’m hopeful that I may eventually get somewhere, but that somewhere might be on crutches!  NEVER.

So…feeling very p’d off and irritated that they had wasted my time yet again…I took myself off to Harpenden.  I was in need of serious coffee and lots of it.  Oh and cake and anything else scrummy.  I was so hungry by the time I got there that I was thinking of stopping at a garage to get a turkish delight just to eat pre cake…..but I’m just sooooo virtuous, so I didn’t….honest!

There is a wonderful little delicatessen there.  So much nicer than the large Starbucks, Costa, Pret and all that malarky don’t you think?  I think its important to support local shops.  So I opted for there.   Its fabulous, with beautiful fresh meat, cheese, pasta, olives and homemade dishes…..so the smell inside is simply divine.  And I am STARVING.  I’m grumpy when I’m hungry.    The shop has gradually over the last year or so, been taken over by tables, internally, as the demand for coffee and lunches has increased.  Good on them…moving on with the times.   It was about 50% full I would guess, and mainly ‘yummy mummy’ brigade.   I take a seat.   My seat is central to the restaurant.   I’m sure that you can’t miss me, however, I am again resplendent in invisible coat and seriously underestimate its properties!

I watched the protocol to make sure that I had it right.  A young man took a seat near to the front window, minutes after I had sat down.   Within milliseconds, the young waitress approached him, smiled and took his order for coffee.   I felt sure that she would then come to me.  Noooooo……she’s goes and makes his coffee.   I look around and see another couple behind the counter and one other clearing tables.  Okay, don’t be too hasty….patience Louise…..NOT my greatest virtue.    Window man gets his coffee….then ’she’ takes his order.   Right, she’ll come to me now?   Nope.   Still no waitress in sight.   I’m getting a little bit annoyed now.  I don’t even have anyone to moan at because I can’t get any service on my phone.   I leer at the people behind the counter as if to say ‘anyone going to serve me or WHAT?’!!  and still I’m ignored.   The guy clearing plates and generally tidying makes a wide berth of my table.  At this point I try to discretely do that thing that Kevin Kline as Otto does in ‘A Fish called Wanda’ where he keeps sniffing his armpits…because I’m convinced that I must smell offensively of something…why else would they keep f***ing ignoring me!

Waitress is lovingly slicing smoked salmon and laying it onto a plate already adorned with an exquisite looking colourful array of salad leaves, olives,  sundried tomatoes and foccacia bread…this is no ordinary food….this is Harpenden delicatessen lovingly prepared hand sliced salmon for incredibly good looking sexy guy sitting in the window that has now finished his f***ing coffee….FOOD…. PLEASE OH PLEASE!

She takes over the plate and places it everso gently onto the table…I’m sure that her cheek may have brushed his as she pulled away, and I’m quite sure that I saw her curtsey….how cute     Inside of me is writhing like the famous Edvard Munch painting The Scream….only mine is saying ‘PLEASE BRING ME A FUCKING COFFEE’    I’m so sorry…I honestly don’t swear this much except for when I’m caffeine or champagne deprived (or extremely irritated) .

OMG OMG OMG…..Waitress is coming towards me!!!  excitement I can hardly contain myself.    Oh, I don’t believe it….she was actually intending to walk straight past me to the kitchen!   OH NO SHE WASN’T…..just attempt it if you dare.    ‘Excuse me’  I said ‘Was anyone actually intending to serve me today?’ ‘It’s just that I had forgotten that I had my invisible coat on that was making is SO difficult for you to see me’      Sarcasm and irony doesn’t usually roll off my tongue quite so well.   I did eventually get my coffee and a very nice panini – 40 minutes after my arrival in the deli.   Although it was very nice,  I couldn’t possibly enjoy it (how could I?) next time I shall go to Starbucks, Costa or Pret……even with my magical coat.

My God, I’m going to have fun in this coat

Tried experimenting with other spots, but to no avail….In the coat there is no sign of me whatsoever…..

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  Although I’m not particularly religious, I do feel my conscience pricking ever so slightly…..

You see, I have succumbed to the evils of the media.  I know I never thought I would, and I always maintained that I would grow old gracefully but I’ve lied….and I’m not!   I’m hoping to grow old incredibly disgacefully and my deception has already begun.  

So…here is my confessional;   I play with myself…..NO NO NO!!!     Don’t choke on the biscuits that you’re dunking, spill your coffee or knock over your JD and ice…… although I bet your eyes are bulging and you can’t read quick enough     I play with PHOTOGRAPHS.  I have discovered the wonderful art of photoshop….cropping, glowing, tinting, softening etc.    Yes, I knew they all existed but to be honest I’ve never really needed them before, or should I say….I’ve never really needed to know how it all works before neither could I be bothered to actually learn.   But now that I’ve got a little knowledge, its a dangerous tool, and one that I intend to use at every opportunity to suit.

Yes the picture in the header is me, but thank God it was cropped because you can’t actually see the double chins the bingo wings or the cellulite!  I like pictures where I am laid across a bed….of course I do,  IT STRETCHES OUT THE FAT!   Be kind to me….I’m mature now for Gods sake  

I don’t  think i’d go quite so far as the Kate Winslet ‘leg’ saga but having legs that are only about 2ft long, I am seriously tempted to do some stretching.   And, just as long as it doesn’t involve me going near to an aerobic class, gym, step class or anything else that might stretch my delicate skin….then I’m all for it.   No longer is the technology just for the rich and famous film stars of Hollywood, but mere mortals can look airbrushed to perfection (okay okay….maybe not quite perfection, but you get the gist!) and if used correctly, its an enhancement isn’t it?  Is there any harm covering up a rogue spot or two, or distorting the edges of a picture to blur the parts you don’t want someone to see?   An artist doesn’t always paint what he sees, but what he believes should be there, or not, as the case may be……….

So, is it really a deception?  Do people see what they want to see anyway?   DOES anyone actually notice?   

The top picture is the original…untouched version, and the one below has been cropped and softened….slightly …..Do you think i’m getting the hang of it?

I should be punished shouldn’t I……nice cherries though