Posted by: purplediva | March 26, 2008

Ride a White Swan – Wednesday 26th March 2008

Wednesday 26th March

I danced my way to the shower….NAKED!! My beloved T Rex ‘Ride a White Swan’ played, and I sashayed myself across the warmth of the bathroom floor, followed shortly afterwards by my ample, curvaceous body, jiggling along in a rhythm all of its own. Today was going to be a great day. I had a hospital appointment and I was going to leave early. I was going to be on time. Oh yesssssss………The best made plans……

I don’t know why I’m dancing or even happy to be honest. I have a horrendous migraine. The curse has blighted me for years now but they are normally under control. Today it isn’t and I need to go slow. I take a miracle pill, for emergencies only. Today is an emergency. I can’t wallow today.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and couldn’t believe the haggard face that I saw peering back at me. I can’t even say it looked like my mother. My mother didn’t resemble this….and all I could think of was ‘that face is gonna take a while to fall into place this morning girl’! The last week has taken its toll……I do need to relax more. I’m not well, I feel it. The migraine affects my eyes and I do look very old today…….c’est la vie….it’s experience.

Finally I manage to get out of the door at 11.20. I’m quite pleased with myself. I have to drive to Hemel Hempstead and it should only take about 40 mins maximum. I don’t really know where I’m going because darling Lucy has the sat nav with her and she’s not yet back from her shagathon (well its true!) in Wales. I’ve been to the hospital several times before so I should be okay….auto pilot will kick in won’t it?? My appointment is 12.30. I’ll be alright

I sailed past the Hemel Junction on the motorway. Oh, and the one after that. And the following one….for 3 Junctions!!! I know I know that you are not supposed to use mobile phones whilst driving but this was now an emergency….in the last 2 weeks since I had been for my last appointment, Hemel Hempstead had been MOVED….and Brent Cross was rapidly coming into view, and with it the clock was ticking and the pressure in my head was mounting……..

I called Richard ‘erm…no time for being nice, but where EXACTLY is Hemel Hempstead?’ I asked him. ‘you need junction 8, why, where are you?’……Reluctantly I whimpered ‘junction 4’…….I waited for the mocking laugh and didn’t have to wait too long….oh yes, typical woman driver. But in my defence I have a lot on my mind. I was thinking (read….’dreaming’) about moving away to warmer climes and starting my life afresh…..wistfully playing it out in my head. I think that secretly my car was just taking me in that southern direction 🙂 Anyway, I reluctantly did an about turn – at the next possible exit of course….I’m not quite that dopey just yet!!! and went on my way.

I reached the hospital with minutes to spare. Fortunately I have one of those oh so coveted blue badges….and yes it is legal! Its about the only benefit to having bloody dodgy arthritic knees. I still managed to park miles away though, and by the time I got to the right location I was more than a little flustered. I tried to make light of it with the ‘sister’ who was to take my details… chance.

‘Sister’ had not yet discovered her bedside manner. I’m not sure where she did her training but charm and charisma eluded her. She’d certainly not been anywhere near, or seen the Florence Nightingale School of nursing, and definitely hadn’t watched Carry on Doctor. She wasn’t familiar with Barbara Windsor giggly humor, or Hattie Jaques dryness for that matter…..Any chance of having a laugh fell on deaf ears…’Heart problems?’ she asked, ‘No, although it’s been broken a few times’ I chuckled………Nothing…absolutely nothing. Stony faced throughout. I endured an hour and a half of the angel of doom and her questions, poking, prodding and her efficiency….but the point at which I decided that I really wanted to kill her in a slow and prolonged fashion, or maybe the alternative option……to shave her hair off into a Mohican and tattoo ‘Love Kills’ prominently on her chest….was when she smiled so sweetly whilst taking my blood pressure. I was sat there with my shirt open to the waist, one arm out of my shirt, with my bra showing… the roll and half of midriff fat that has so kindly middle aged spread around me…..She said ‘I always wear loose clothes now to hide all that’ !!!!

I now know why they put those signs up in hospitals ‘our staff will not tolerate abuse etc etc etc’ Well…..GET NICE F***ING STAFF THEN…I’m menopausal for gods sake!

Oh and my blood pressure….220/175 is it any wonder……..I was advised to go and see my GP the same day – now on medication for that too. With the concoction of pills and potions I now take, plus the grinding of my joints, daily walking has me sounding more like a one man/woman band….minus the harmonica . Although many would say that having one of those strapped to my mouth would be a blessing !

After the angel of doom had finished with me I attempted to find my way to the x ray department of the same hospital. Oh yes. I was already in a confused state. My medication had kicked in. I’m sure that the angel of doom deliberately sent me to the furthest point in the hospital. She must have taken a dislike to my sunny disposition….that or my yellow jacket. I was trying to be bright today! So….I get to the x ray department and present my card. A ‘tut’ of disapproval follows…..’oh, I don’t know if we can do that today, you might have to come back tomorrow’ I sit down and wait for their graciousness to come and give me the news. YESSSSS….the man in the white coat say YESSSSSS….oh, I am overcome with emotion.

I sit and wait. I’m getting hungry, thirsty and really irritable now. Its nearly 2.15 and I’ve not eaten or drunk anything at all…and I know its my fault….I’m not blaming anyone….I’m just saying! But I am irritable. I’m getting so cantaquerous…I can feel it coming over me like a naughty child and I really want to misbehave. My misbehaving is becoming habitual now. Old age is creeping up on me……

An elderly couple come in and take a seat. Well she’s already in a seat because she’s in a wheelchair….she’s obviously very poorly, she looks fragile. She’s not long for this world. I know. Somethings you just know…..and I know this. I stare at her. Very childlike, I stare. I can’t help it, there is something about her. I hear my mum say to me ‘Louise stop staring….its very rude to stare’….as clear as a bell, I hear her voice. Bizarre because she’s not with me. My mum has been dead for 4 years. Its turning out to be a very surreal day.

I’m called in for my x ray. I’m Ushered into a minute room, no bigger than a postage stamp, I begin to giggle to myself. There is a sign on the wall ‘If there is any possibility that you may be pregnant, please notify the sister or radiographer before x-ray’

Now…I am already feeling very mischievous and the temptation with that sign there, is to tell all about my sex life….which would be incredibly boring, (non existent) however…….I am seriously tempted to make-up a fantastic story just for the hell of it !!!!
I get in to have the x rays and it is SO undignified…….I was kept fully clothed….picture this. I’m 5ft 2. I have a pair of jeans, timberland boots, a shirt and a yellow jacket (very nice though!) and I’m having x rays of my knees……so they ask me to stand against the machine and roll my jeans up!!!! Now if I had legs the length of Naomi Campbell it would be attractive…but I don’t….I stand there looking more like Compo from last of the Summer Wine!!! And it didn’t get any better when they asked me to lay down either. I laid on the bed fully clothed and the male radiographer manouvred parts of my body as if he was posing a doll. I wanted to put my hand on my hip and smile cheekily over my shoulder and shout ‘Lights…Camera…Action’ but he didn’t have much of a humour either….so I resisted my temptation……….Anyone for a game of twister!!!

Something must be in the air over Hemel Hempstead….The Buncefield Depot Fire has a lot to answer for!

Merrily I went on my way to the blood department…the vampires await. It was very spooky. Why, because unusually, no one was there. This is unheard of in a pathology lab. It seemed pointless to ‘take a ticket’ a la supermarket delicatessen style, but I did as I was told, not wanting to upset ‘the system’. They were nice….they had humour….we laughed…well, me mainly.

I can go home now. Oh I wish. It took me 45 minutes to find my way out of the hospital. 4 times I got in the same lift. 5 times I walked the same corridor…..I began to think I was going to be trapped there. And I did ask directions. But I obviously didn’t listen. I’m not doing a lot of that just lately. I got into THE lift for the final time and stood there bewildered and confused and alone. I looked at the long list on the wall and didn’t touch a thing. I started to laugh to myself because the lift doors closed before I had decided where I was going, and just started to move on its own. Floor 2. The doors opened. No one was there…no one pressed the button to get in. But it was the exit I needed……..

Surreal very very surreal………..

I got my ‘bold’ mail today…..I’m happy now. It all makes sense.


  1. Well your car was just going to the shops, your a women and like shopping..

    This “Bold” mail is getting interesting.

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