Posted by: purplediva | July 19, 2008

Secret Rituals………

It seemed a good idea at the time when ‘R’ suggested a weekend away.  After all, I was supposed to be recouperating after having had quite a large operation on my leg last week, however, the damn doctors were determined to ‘p’ me off majorly, and these days it doesn’t seem to take too much. 

I had spent from 7.30 am until 9.30 pm under the protective care and watchful eyes of the staff at St Albans City Hospital.  I hadn’t eaten or drunk since 7.30 pm the night before (Sunday), and the liquid that had passed my lips was fizzy and alcoholic….oh and pink.   I know it was my own fault that I didn’t drink anything up until 12 midnight, but I thought that I was ‘being good’ because i could be early on the list….BIG mistake.   It got to 6.30pm on Monday night and I was incredibly thirsty and irritable and a migraine was lurking….the result of impending dehydration no doubt.  It was 23 hours since anything had passed my lips.   I asked the sister, very pleasantly and with a smile (as much as I could muster) “do you have any idea at all what time my operation is likely to be?”   An enquiry was made to ‘theatre’ and after much tooing and froing with phone calls and a few hushed conversations, i gathered it wasn’t going too well.  Have you ever noticed how sensitive your hearing becomes as your blood pressure starts to rise?  Well you can hear a whispered conversation from miles away…..and my blood pressure was rising…..steeply!   Sheepishly she came and told me that ‘They’ve cancelled your operation’   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like that, after all day there, and being told i was 7th on the list (4 had been seen by 11 am) and that i would be seen before lunch… i had been ‘cancelled’    Oh great……The hospital Gods decided at the last moment to cancel my operation because they had run out of time.   “Would you like to speak to the consultant when he finishes operating?”  she asks……DAMN RIGHT I WOULD!

So, after a few days of negotiation…..well, me ranting more so, and then them deciding to re admit me this following Monday, ‘R’ decided it would be nice to take me away for a couple of days………………………

I got up very early to prepare for these 2 nights away.  This is a rare treat.  I have to say here and now that this is totally my fault.  Well sort of.  I booked this place, BUT…….I had been recommended to this group of hotels by my darling sister who has a friend that has been several times and loves them.  This friend is very discerning and worldly, classy…..chic……so they must be pretty good…..Hold that thought!

If there is a female equivalent of a metrosexual male then I am it.  Well apart from the gym loving and physique adoring aspect that is!  But in all other aspects I am buffed and polished to perfection… fact, this morning it has taken me 3 1/2 hours to get ready to get out of the door on time…..sad and very true.  I don’t feel the pressure of the media to do this, or to appear this way to the outside world, just my own standards and after all, what’s an extra hour per month?  Actually, the truth of the matter is that it just takes me longer and longer to get ready and i’m just justifying it!

R is safely esconced in his own bedroom and is totally unaware of what I am doing…..thank God!  there are some things that actually i believe are very personal, and men and even other women friends and sisters shouldn’t be present when attempted……mishaps will come back to haunt you and visions will stay in their memory banks for years and could be recalled at the most inopportune moments!!!

So the rundown of my 3 hours or so marathon starts (all men should read this……yes women REALLY do all this!)

1.   Shower

Not as simple as this sounds.  Stand under the shower and plan the rest of the 3 hours.  Wash hair once with fancy shampoo, massaging ‘properly’.  wash off.  Apply exfoliator to face.  Wash hair a second time not needing to be quite so thorough.  Wash off, and take off exfoliator at the same time.  Apply conditioner and now step away from the shower.   Apply copious amounts of shaving cream – preferably mens and pinched from his cupboard, all over legs, underarms and in ‘diva’ areas!  Commence the BIG shave with a razor.  Again, his new one is far more preferable to your lady shave.  Theirs are sharper and after all those 5 blades are so much more necessary aren’t they????!!!!!  legs done, underarms done, now you have to tackle the contortions of La Diva area…..a tricky manouvre when stood in a slippery shower covered in shaving gel with one leg balanced on the wall at the side of the shower….for christs sake don’t slip or those 5 blades are going to leave a really nasty mess and cosmetic surgery in that area is going to be something that might have to be considered!   So…..all smooth, now for the big wash off…..including the conditioner on hair.   Finished?  No chance!   Apply exfoliator to arms, chest, thighs, very ample and dimpled bottom, take one exfoliating ‘mitt’ aka sandpaper……and buff.   Finished now?   Nooooooooo……now apply foaming body wash all over paying particular attention to the feet that i have just remembered that i need to file……correct, file….with sandpaper!  well ‘ish’…..just have to have nice feet.   I can’t bear women who have hard skin on their feet and then wear sandals……eeergh.   Finished???  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS    time taken?   well approximately 20-25 mins 🙂  quick shower eh…

(ps.   to any ladies over 30 reading this……PLEASE check the back of your thighs regularly for hair.  I don’t know why, but one day…..and very suddenly when you don’t expect it, you will find that the hair on the rear of your thighs has suddenly quadrupuled in length and volume.   No one will tell you this, but when you get out of a swimming pool, teenagers will be smirking at you……trust me.   If like me, you were lucky enough to find it early on whilst languishing in a bath, then all will be well, but in this age of showers, this could go unnoticed for eternity and I would really hate you to go through life afflicted with unrully hair and ‘knowing’ titters!)

2. Paint toenails with base coat.  Feet perched up on dressing table with tissue paper in between toes so that I don’t get nail varnish on each one.    Now I make my espresso.  Not because i need the caffeine but because i’m going to need a warm cup!    At this point I have a towel wrapped around me, no rubbing my tender body with it…..its sore!   Once dry, I smother my body with body lotion.  this takes time.  Not because i’m careful or take pleasure in the process but because i have a lot of ground to cover!  Paying particular attention to knees, ankles & elbows….they need more lotion.  Once done, now I can apply a coating of bisto…..fake tan to the uninitiated!  Brown fat looks so much nicer that white fat!   I now have to sit naked for for about 10 minutes till the lotion soaks in…..and i’m cold.  Have to remember to wash off fake tan off hands and up arms, trying desperately not to splash water over areas already done otherwise when I ‘develop’, I will be spotty or worse still, stripey!  oh yes, it has happened and its really not a good look……………this is such a bloody palava (yes it is a word and it is correct…i’ve checked it!).  Time taken – god knows, i’ve lost count!

3. This is where the coffee comes in.   Because I am blonde haired but my eyebrows are darker  – natures so unpredictable at times 😉  I lighten my eyebrows.  Now I have to be very careful when I do this or they will go ginger!  No joking, ginger.  I don’t want ginger eyebrows, I’d rather them dark than that, so I have to time them with precision.  To utilise my time more efficiently I might as well wax my top lip at the same time.  I’m very blonde and its really not noticable, but i don’t like to take any chances so i do it anyway……this is what i use the hot coffee for, well the cup!  I wrap the wax strip of cold wax around the hot cup to warm it so that it is just the right temperature to apply to my delicate skin.  I’ve done this a few times before so I know what i’m doing.  Get the strip on and there is a few minutes of hesitation when you know that you have to pluck up the courage to ‘rip’ it off and hope to God that its full of those lovely little hairs…..with one hand holding the skin of your face into a taught frozen sad look, and your tongue pushing into the waxed area to make it as tight as possible, this really isn’t a good photo opportunity!  with the other hand at the ready…..1,2……3…..GERONIMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   and with one flick of the wrist I had managed to remove all of 3 hairs and most of the skin from my top lip!!!!  WHAT THE F%&*K.     And with all the procrastinating I’ve now realised that i could seriously have ginger eyebrows too!!!!!!!!!    The worst of it is, I’ve only done one side of my lip…..i’ve now got to do the other side :-S   oh gawd………I am really going to need some balm and a lot of prayer to hope that this goes down.   Time taken – 20 mins

4. Paint toenails for a second time and file fingernails and then paint with base coat.  Pluck eyebrows.  Decide in my madness to tint eyelashes…..yes, myself….at home.    Oh and whilst i’m at it, I can put on a face pack!   time taken – yet again another 20 mins

And there you go, an hour or so gone, eaten up with frivolous nothings, but all essentials, and i haven’t even started to dry my hair, applied any make-up or put on a solitary item of clothing.   THAT is going to take another 2 hours……and then i have to clean my jewellery!  I can’t leave the house for a weekend away without knowing that my sparkles are sparkling……so there you have it……the secret rituals unveiled.

And what did ‘R’ do?  showered and dressed in 10 mins……couldn’t even be bothered to remove excess hair from ears!  

Men have it so damn easy.

ps. The arrival at Gods Waiting Room – The weekend away will follow shortly……ooooooh you really don’t want to miss this one!!!


  1. Hi there> that was so damn informative and interesting. Now I know why it take my wife 1 hour min. IM at about 25 mins and have to flat iron my hair! Hugzz

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