Posted by: purplediva | January 5, 2009


“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Marilyn Monroe

The best part of anything is the looking forward to it.  So true in so many things….holidays, Christmas, birthdays, weddings etc, but this past weekend was an exception to that.   Despite an incredibly grumpy daughter, incredulous that she’d been asked to actually leave the house for 24 hours because friends of ours were arriving.   No I don’t usually ask her to go, but on this occasion I did.  It did cause a few raised eyebrows……how dare you….wicked mother….oh and of course ‘you must be up to mischief’ !!! oh as if!!! I mean….just how much mischief can a  fat, 47 year old with a dodgy leg get up to for Christs sake… swinging from chandelier days are long past.   Not that I wouldn’t actually like to try again, but after 2 shoulder operations and with said bad knee, I think its not a particularly good idea.  Anyway, I’ve decided to stick to more sedate ways to get my thrills and have enrolled on a wing walking course.  Once i’m harnessed in I shall be okay.  They do wear head to toe leathers on those bi planes don’t they??  😉   I shall try it for a couple of weeks and if the plane can’t actually get off the ground with my ample marshmallow and cellulite rippled body strapped to it, – which actually resembles the michelin man more than a goddess in flight!  then I might be obliged to take up something on terrafirma….perhaps sword swallowing.  I hear they hold that at the village hall on a Tuesday evening, just after the WI have finished cake decorating.  I wonder if they use the same knives?  God I am going to need to get some practice in……. 

La Diva for posterity!

La Diva for posterity!

(Worryingly, there are so many similarities between me and venus/goddess in that pic!)

I was at the hospital today and have to go back in for yet another operation on dodgy knee.  I have to have an ‘urgent’ operation on my knee….I suppose that will be in a few weeks, but just in case, I also had my pre op assessment today.  One of the questions on the form caused me to laugh out loud uncontrollably ‘does the patient have difficulty opening their mouth wide’ !!!!!  erm….can i phone a friend please???    I’m going to need to open wider if I’m thinking of sword swallowing in the not too distant future anyway 😉    Better keep the demon dentist away from me then.  I had to pay a visit a few weeks ago and oh, it just happened to happen to me didn’t it…..darling dentist managed to inject the anaesthetic into a nerve in my jaw rendering me unable to open much wider than enough to allow a straw through for 3 weeks.  Mind you, i didn’t lose any weight as i just liquidised the chocolate and cream….bliss.    Talking of which, i finishised off a tub of chocolate custard at 3.00am this morning…………… jaw was working fine….just fine 😉

I am soon going to have to be kept away from any magnetised equipment if they replace any other parts of me.  I shall be walking along nonchalantly through passport and security control at an airport and suddenly find that my left leg has completely involuntarily shot out and stuck itself to the body scanner!  not a pretty sight….but the cause of much hilarity no doubt.

Still, I seem to be quite good at being the butt of jokes.  I spent one whole lunchtime having the ‘p’ taken out of me for my penguin routine (see last blog)….oh how we laughed.   It was soooooo funny for me having ‘fishy’ comments and people clapping like seals etc…..still, I’m a big girl (okay okay…i know in more ways than one) and its all just in jest, so i just smile and wave…..yes….just like the penguins in the film Madagasgar!     Just a shame that i’m not quite so thick skinned as those cute little penguins.

Sooooo….enlightenment.  Well I have learnt a lot over the past 48 hours.   I’m still trying to decide on the balance of good or bad.  My time in the kitchen with a paring knife poised rather precariously as I was deep in thought about it, one slip and I could have done DIY cosmetic surgery on my beautiful but fat podgy belly ….that must’ve been a bad thought.   

I am so misunderstood at times but its my own fault.  We put on a facade that we want people to see and then blame them for believing we are that person.  I’ve been described as many things by many people….diva was always a favourite until it was pointed out to me what the dictionary definition was ; prima donna…..temperamental and conceited person!   nice.  of course it also means Goddess….but somehow prima donna seems to win the tug of words today.   Marilyn Monroes are just so apt that I’m going to leave them at the top of every blog now….as a warning!

Maybe i’m just too sensitive today.  Perhaps THIS is the real me.   Answers on a postcard please…..

p.s  No i’m not changing PurpleDiva………. DEAL WITH IT!!!!!  

The Dynamite Diva over and out……<3




  1. Don’t you need to get the angle of your throat just right for sword swallowing as well?

    • You most certainly do…and I have a sore throat right now….more custard needed I think!

  2. Greedy!

  3. woo hoo more LIY (Learn It Yourself) does send you lots of traffic – here’s how to hurry it up

  4. How is the throat and practice for the Sword Swallowing going?

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