Posted by: purplediva | January 5, 2010

Stray bullets……

When starting her tale of a stray silver bullet in that fateful telephone conversation with ‘Truly Unruly’ (name changed to protect the guilty!)  my jaw dropped as I had visions of a rogue shooting incident whilst she was stuffing her turkey on Christmas morning.  I felt sure that my visions of a masked intruder ‘Robin Bastard’ and Truly, embroiled in a violent struggle over  whether to criss cross the bottoms of the brussel sprouts, would surely hold some merit.  But the tone in her voice and raucous laughter at my ramblings assured me otherwise.  There was a much simpler explanation…

I’m not sure if it’s purely an oversight on the part of online sex toy retailers and those high street shops that have an array of tacky novelty dress up outfits, and equally cheap nylon underwear, with an adult toy store at the back, or whether its really down to the manufacturer of the RO 80 Bullet Vibrator, to have supplied it without instructions……..

Yep, I bet you’re thinking ‘hmmm, doesn’t it do what you think its going to?’    The online description of this quite wonderful little gadget states;

‘The RO 80mm is the world’s most powerful vibrating bullet and delivers vibration so intense you will climax in seconds!

Silver bullet...not for guns!

Finished with silky chrome with a one-touch operation and 100% waterproof.

Feels incredible when used on any part of the body.

If you’ve ever experienced the delights of a sexy party, and I’m talking Ann Summers party plan, rather than a lets all throw our keys in kind of party! You will know that rather hilariously, would be purchasers of vibrators (grannies especially included in this….) are encouraged to try out the powerfulness of the vibration on their extremities as they are deemed more sensitive.   We’re talking noses in case you’re mind started wandering…..

The bullet is small enough, (at just 3inches) not just to try on the end of your nose, but to stick up your nose like a Vicks vapour stick!   I’m pretty sure that its powerful vibration will cure not only a sinus problem but will have no problem in removing your contact lenses at the same time also!  And God help if you have any loose fillings……or dare I say, dentures….don’t even attempt it!

So, you can imagine the hilarity of  a recent phone call with a close friend of mine who is truly unruly.  Both by name and nature……

Lets be totally clear about this, beyond all reasonable doubt.  The bullet is 3 inches long, powerful….and is a clitoral stimulator.  That is its main purpose for which it has been made.……..’Truly’ didn’t understand this.   Very surprising for a woman of ‘mature’ years!

So, alone in the house and with a little time to kill before her colleague in crime ‘Hairy Fairy’ arrives, and feeling just slightly naughty and pleased with her new purchase, she prepares herself for the furious orgasm that the bullet promises ‘so intense, you will climax in seconds’ ……..

She reclines, semi naked on the bed, and pushes the button……writhes in ecstasy in moments and decides to explore a little further…….NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  with slight of finger, its GONE!!!

Lost into the void that was once a tight vagina and is now a dark empty vacuous space!  This is no tampon….there is no, pull cord safety exit string for parachuting out of such areas…..You are not supposed to use a bullet there in the first place!  And now it is vibrating away inside her whisking up any bodily fluids into a state, much like that of scrambled egg!

But the big question is, how to remove it?  So with legs now spread open (much like the turkey she was stuffing earlier) and with no help in sight she attempted the delicate procedure.   They’re slippery little buggers when you’ve added any lube down there, and every attempt at retrieval only resulted in pushing the pleasure bullet further up to her tonsils.   At one point, not only had she lost the bullet was there was fear that she’d lost two of her acrylic fingernails, only to discover that they were languishing on the bedclothes….the intense vibration had seen to their removal, and far quicker than acetone normally can!

Ingenious to the last, and with the conclusion of trying to convey a plausible and innocent explanation to the A & E team at No Hope Hospital, looming before her,  Truly’s last resort lay in the kitchen.   She had some plastic tongs.  I’ve just searched for tongs on a food site, and in none of their descriptions for uses does it say  ‘Ideal for DIY gynaecology’….but Truly doesn’t do rules, and this WAS an emergency calling for thinking outside the box….or rather inside of this particular one!

similar implements

Picture the scene.  Truly is reclined on a bed, legs splayed in the birthing position, semi propped up and with the addition now of a mirror to aid the retrieval.  The only missing implement is the gynaecological stirrups (nice) and a hunky gynaecologist to do the task.

After several failed attempts, lots of pinched skin and labial lips to rival the trout pouts of many C list celebs, the bullet is finally retrieve, and the tongs are laid to rest once again on the kitchen worktop.

Had I have been there, I’d have suggested she tried skipping.  If only to have laughed hysterically at her 16stone semi naked frame, with two replacement knees and a dodgy shoulder, attempt it!  Well….it’d been worth a go wouldn’t it?

Update on the story…..apparently ‘Hairy Fairy’ arrived for dinner and went to serve the turkey and sliced ham with plastic serving tongs she found in the kitchen…………………………….


  1. well wrap them round your china tea cup then!!!! LOL

    i am sure it will be worth waiting for Daisy.

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by louise stark, louise stark. louise stark said: Guilty Pleasures….: […]

  3. had me laughing out loud as usual!

  4. Beautifully written…..its like Dallas November 1963………….the magic bullet theory!!

  5. well what can i say, im glad i never told her the rabbit has chain and anchor now, no more losses for me

  6. Numpty

    Read that in the office and was howling with laughter.

    My Boss now wants to see what I was reading….LOL

  7. I always knew that sinus problems could be cleared by my facial rejuvenation treatments … but I had tears rolling down my face at the idea of using the vibrating bullet to clear the sinus’. Brilliant!!!!!!

    • you could add it to your treatment list….under the ‘alternative’ heading of course!

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