Posted by: purplediva | January 7, 2010

Maids with muffs….


It wasn’t the greatest of starts to the day.  At approximately 3.15 am I fell off the edge of a cliff.  I sleep on the left hand side of a 6ft wide bed.  Normally, and in great health, my sleeping style has shocked people that have been unlucky enough to share a room (or bed) with me.  I sleep as if I’m dead.  I don’t move, and my breathing is barely noticable.  I’ve been woken several times with that feeling someone is very close to me, only to have someone on top of me saying ‘I was just checking you were breathing’…….

So….alone and on the left of the bed, and I’m currently NOT sleeping like the dead, but am tossing and turning and feeling for any cold spot (yes I flip my pillow to the cold side too!) I’m middle aged, fat and have a fever….okay, so its a sniffle, but its irritating and filling my head with mush.   Amazingly, my podgy body has managed to roll itself completely over to the right hand side of the bed….where it continued to roll, like it was rolling down a hill, till there was no more bed!  My arm shot out to save me from falling down the precipice and I’ve now got a bad elbow to add to the lengthening list of illnesses bestowed upon me.  I dozed.

9.10am  The tapping noise had once again begun.  For the past couple of weeks, intermittently through the day, but usually in the mornings, I have heard this light ‘tapping’ on the wall outside the window.   My darling daughter used to sleep in this room and used to talk of the little bird that bobbed along the windowsill and pecked the window, and I assumed that ‘little bird’ was around again.  He wasn’t.  I have a solar powered ‘rainbow maker crystal’ discreetly stuck high up on the window.  It hasn’t made any rainbows at all since its been there….a couple of weeks……Today, the source of the tapping all became clear.  The mechanism is stuck and try as it might, in bright sunshine, it just isn’t budging.   But 10/10 for perserverance and nervous tick!

Dodgy gadget!

A combination of festive overindulgence, and looming man-flu has fortunately, surpressed my appetite over the past few of days, and feeling pleased with myself that today was that ‘thin day’ and certain I’d shed a few llbs, I attempted the *weighing scales of doom.  The scales deceived me again.  They didn’t smile sweetly, ding, and say well done Louise 7lbs down, now you can reward yourself with a bacon sandwich…the numbers screamed FAT COW.  So I slunk back up to my bed with a cup of tea and a couple of hob nobs and watched Jeremy Kyle to make myself feel better!  Suddenly everything looks rosy again after a few seconds of that…..

I don’t usually watch morning TV, I prefer the radio, but now I was in a dark place of sugar induced depression, so had a need to wallow for 5 mins.  The trouble is, every few minutes there was yet another advert for an apres Christmas ‘get yourself fit, you fat lazy trollop’ DVD.  Davina McCall, Camilla Dallerup, Coleen Nolan…..The Pussycat Dolls.  I found them SO exhausting to watch.  Had me hyperventilating whilst I was multi tasking.  Watching tv and  reaching for another hob nob.

Not only had the bacon sandwich thought taken hold, but my ‘day nurse’ tablets had kicked in and were taking were mind into bizarre and surreal places.  Its a bit warped left to its own devices on a good day, but given an inch of encouragement and its frightening  A text message pinged to my phone and and that was it….game on!  A suggestion of calling for a home help of sorts had me reaching to call 118 118, after all, I did have a few chores that needed doing.

After almost 10 days now, the 3 musketeers and droopy basil, haven’t yet mastered the art of levitation, nor sprouted legs, and their existence is becoming a Mexican standoff.  They are, to be precise, 3 large glasses that have graced my kitchen worktop,  and one very neglected basil plant which look like becoming permanent features!  I could move them but I don’t use them and was leaving them to see if anyone noticed.  I’m counting the days…..

The 3 Muskateers

I remembered that a friend of mine had once had ‘Butlers in the buff’ to attend her needs, and despite sub zero temperatures, a fire could be stoked and felt sure that one or two of them wandering around the house ‘doing’ for me, would aid my recovery no end…..

Butler in the buff

I mentioned this to my text friend who thought it was a great idea, and given that they too were stuck at home due to global warming, that they’d make use of their time and google ‘Maids with muffs’ !!!

Don’t try it…..you may come across ‘Truly Unruly’ & ‘Hairy Fairy’ moonlighting…..or is that mooning?

*Oh these are really going to catch on girls – scales that ‘tweet’ your weight to the World!

tweet scales


Responses

  1. priceless but not podgy please!!!
    and you did say maids and muffs would get an airing. thanks


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