Posted by: purplediva | January 19, 2010

Loose Ladies…

Saturday 16th January

I’m sure she meant well, but the elderly lady, whose face told she was almost certainly in excess of 80 years old, didn’t realise how cruel of a blow she dealt when SHE offered to help ME down the short flight of stairs with my two bags of M & S food shopping.  If that wasn’t enough, this was the second below the belt comment that had crushed me within the past 5 minutes!

The first one had been from the ting ting girl at the checkout who smiled and cheerfully said ‘oh, you look like you’ve had enough of today’  (!!!!)  My wicked horns immediately sprang up and were egging me on.   I really wanted to shock her jovial demeanour with an outrageous revelation of a tale of an afternoon of utter lust and debauchery over the granite worktops in an exquisitely handmade Smallbone kitchen, with the not so small bone of my lover ;-).   But true to form, those wicked horns were just keeping my halo in place and I didn’t disappoint.  I found this little meek, forlorn little voice squeak out of dowdy me….. ‘Oh, I shall be pleased when it’s over’.   I lied.  Again.   The worst of it was, I thought it was actually a ‘good’ day….I thought I looked quite presentable, so there I’d been, smiling cheerfully at all and sundry all day and everyone was probably thinking ‘Christ, she looks a bloody mess’  Thank God I didn’t smile at any cute children or I would have been in a real state….because, as we all know……they tell it as it really is!

Sunday 17th January

With the benefit of hindsight, they were probably right.  I awoke on Sunday morning with something heavy on my chest.  Not what I would usually like on my chest on a bright sunny Sunday morning, it has to be said.  For the past 3 weeks I’ve looked out into the kingdom of Narnia everyday, and would have been quite happy to stay in bed every day, and yet today, my lifeless, fat body is attempting a jump start by a brilliant shock of white light.  I was fearful.

Shrek Donkey

Donkey from Shreks’ words once again echoed around my head. No, not; ‘I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin’,  but; ‘Don’t die, Shrek. And if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light’ because this was BRIGHT, and it was coming for me…..and besides,  it was blining me and obscuring the pc screen.  There was only one thing for it…It’d mean I’d have to move!

I stretched out a hand and exercised it…gently of course…didn’t want to overdo it too much in one go.  I drank the cold cup of tea that R had now bought me.  I had to drink it, despite it being cold, as I was worried that everything else that has now congregated on my new boardroom table (ahem…bedroom cabinet!)  would fall and knock it over.  Over the past few days, more and more ‘stuff’ has accumulated at my bedside, and its taken over as my new found office.  So much so that it even shocked me, so that’s saying something!  The accumulated items are currently standing at;

The office

  • 3 pairs of glasses (1 for distance, 1 for reading, 1 varifocals…..I like to be prepared for every eventuality!)
  • 4 telephones – yes, this does seem rather excessive but when Apple come up with one that can be implanted into my shoulder or on my wrist, this will negate the need for 4!
  • 2 Watches – I don’t have a bedside clock and I need to know what the time is.  Yes its on the phones but I can’t wear them on my wrist also!
  • 1 Bracelet – Its pretty….I’m a girl, I like pretty things 😀
  • Medicine – Night nurse, Covonia, Melatonin tablets, daily essential medication (morphine, HRT, funny pills etc)
  • A repeat prescription
  • Tea tree oil – This is going to take some explaining….there is another story here!
  • Bottle of water – I drink a lot in the night….night nurse dehydrates you….EVERYWHERE 😉
  • Tissue – everyone has tissues at their bedside, don’t they?
  • Post it note – lots to remember as THIS is now my office!
  • Note pad & Pen – I have lots to write down when the computer falls off my knee and crashes.  It’s frequent.
  • Spray water – I’m hormonal, menopausal, have hot flushes.  I’m thinking of possibly moving my bed into the garden.  Even in sub zero temperatures I have my very own micro climate going on. I have seriously thought that global warming has a lot to do with ‘ready brek’ …that glow around people… Polar Bears don’t eat it, and they don’t glow….makes sense to me.
  • Moisturizer – for body and face.  Essential, as my body is shrivelling daily, rather reptilian like.  When my tongue starts splitting, I’ll begin to worry….or maybe not 😉
  • Aromatherapy oil – you never know when i’m going to need oil on a rollerball….I’m ever hopeful 😉
  • 5 books – all untouched (1 in drawer, 2 on top and 2 on floor) I mean to read them, and the covers look very inviting, as does the synopsis.  One book has been there for 6 months and i’ve only ever dusted around it.  Its not looking too good for that one….I think it may make it to the drawer soon!
  • 2 Bottles of White company Linen Freshener – quicker and easier than changing the sheets! (I do change them, honest)
  • Cold cup of tea
  • Bullet – No, not for a gun, but my god you shudder when this goes off!

Tomorrow I’m moving out of here.   I can’t work with all this clutter around!

THE Red shoes!

And then I look over, and THE luscious red shoes are staring at me, and I LOVE my office 🙂

Monday 18th January

My throat feels like I’ve swallowed grit.  Not only enough grit to have melted away the snow and ice of the last few weeks, but it seems to have done quite a thorough job on my vocal chords.  I have now acquired a ‘sexy’ husky voice ( ‘Real Diva’ ).  Something new to me.  I’m not generally available for ‘0898….’ chatlines, but R is quite pleased at the possibility on two levels;   It is reputed that most women have an allocation of 20,000 words per day to use, in deference to mens 5,000.  I am unique in that I allegedly have double the tolerable allowance, thus, working an ‘0898 sex chat line’ would enable me to use my quota of words and without R having to endure them.  Coupled with the fact that I may actually bring in an agreeable salary…….He is rubbing his hands together at the prospect of pimping out his poor love, when she should be tucked up in bed with with a walnut whip and something hot being rubbed into her chest!  (those ‘butlers in the buff’ could come in very handy again….hmmm)

Whilst I was wilting alone in bed, thinking that I should move the clutter accumulated in my ‘office’,  the TV was on ‘This Morning’.  I don’t normally watch as such, but its there in the background.  However, today they had a ‘phone in’ with astrologer Michele Knight and were requesting viewers to call with questions.  I think I caught the receptionist at the L’oreal hair helpdesk offguard when I said in my sexy, husky voice  ‘Is 2010 going to be a successful year for me’?   The clunk of the receiver being firmly put down, told me that either I had a wrong number, OR she thought I was an obscene caller!!   In future, it might be a good idea if I took the number down on paper before dialling.  The last two digits were 44 not 33. Or is that the other way around?   Age or medication is proving to be an ongoing factor in the battle of the brain cells.

Needless to say, neither Mr Schofield or Holly Willoughby called me back.  Which was just as well.  Desperately in need of the toilet, I waited almost 90 minutes…just in case.  Eventually, with minutes to spare before the piece was going live on air, I could hold on no longer.  My excitement over the possibility of a call had turned to sheer panic for them not to call!  I did not want to be the first caller live on air from the bathroom of Maison Diva with the sound of the toilet flushing!!

Maybe I shall soon have to join the ranks of those ‘Loose Ladies’ and succumb those lovely Tena lady incontinence pants in future!   On second thoughts, if I can hold on for 90 minutes, I don’t think I’m quite ready just yet.  Not so sure i’d have held on if something had made me laugh or i’d have slipped over!

(I wonder how many people the irony of the insertion of the commercials in the breaks of this lunchtime ladies programme – ‘Loose Women’,  is lost on?……just a thought)

Tuesday 19th January

Am excercising my pelvic floor muscles ALL day.  The thought of those Tena lady pants has put the fear of God in me!!


  1. your saturday almost had me in tears ………. then your tuesday had me in fear …. hmm my body or bladder after 4 children isnt what god inteneded it to be like .. how we age and change ….. .. must embrace it still … xxxx lol

    • Incontinence and Ladies problems are coming next!!!!!! x

  2. Glad ya did’nt venture out into the Kingdom of Narnia.. no chocolate- only turkish delight:) again… your words paint enchanting pictures and conjure up wistful thoughts…

  3. you have to get the bullet in!!! lol

  4. wait till your bladder is as bad as mine louise lol xx

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