Posted by: purplediva | January 21, 2010

Instant gratifuckation….

La Diva

The sound of a faint purr has awoken me from very peaceful slumber.  For a few seconds I had wondered if the magic bullet had miraculously found its way into my bed, but no….it really would have been miraculous.  After five minutes of berating R for allowing the cat into my room when he bought my cold tea in on a linen lined tea tray (no he didn’t, but I’m hoping he will in future when he reads this as it means he may not slop it all over the carpet!) I then realised the source of the ‘purr’; my new found sexy little voice has shifted itself downwards and is now firmly resting on my chest, and has developed into a little purr!   Cute, but the beckoning of my future as the voice of  ‘0898’  is going to be on hold a while longer.  I am no Pussy Galore………..

My health is in deterioration AND  I am so obviously close to deaths door….. the status of which was disputed by smug loveliness of smiling receptionist (why are they all like Stepford Wives?) at my local GP surgery who kept me waiting 1 hour and 40 minutes to see a Doctor, only for lovely Doctor to tell me that my blood pressure is far too high (well after a wait of 100 mins…I was pretty boiling) and that my ‘purr’ was Asthma again…..bought about by my chest infection, that I already knew I had!   He also asked how many I was smoking, to which I replied, ‘Ive actually lost count’.  I have over the years, inhaled the toxic exhalations of 1000’s, but as a committed non smoker, I’ve never had one!  Okay, apart from the occasional 13 year old illicit puff behind the bike shed, that went hand in hand with the obligatory ‘you show my yours and I’ll show you mine’  scene that then unfolds.   I wanted to poke my stick at smiley receptionist as I walked past on my way out, and say ‘told you I was ill’, Spike Milligan ish.  Instead, I limped out of the surgery with a bag of 8 prescriptions, coughing and spluttering and thinking ‘oh dear God, I am seriously turning into my mother’!   It wasn’t the first time in the past 24 hours that I’d had that thought.

My bathroom shelf is becoming more and more cluttered with ‘stuff’.   As I removed the last traces of the face i’d been wearing last night, it really dawned on me how much like my mothers bathroom this was becoming.  The only thing missing is a jar for false teeth and a tube of hemorrhoid cream….but give it a little more time and a few more nights of passionate and rampant sex and those may be on my Waitrose list sooner than I thought!

I don't speak 'cleaning'

It also reminded me how slovenly i’ve become over my housekeeping in the past few weeks.  There has been a screw on my bathroom floor for several weeks now.  I look at it every day and note that it’s still there….and every day it remains.  I know it’s going to be there everyday, because I’ve lost faith in the housework fairy visiting me in the middle of the night and doing all my housework. The elves managed to make all those shoes every night for the poor shoemaker, so I don’t see why she can’t come to MY rescue in my hour of need.  And don’t give me, ‘you don’t believe in fairies at your age?’ argument….YES I DO.  The ‘fuck up fairy’ visits often enough, so its about time she had a night off and sent her colleague instead.  Everyday I look at that screw and tut to myself  ‘still there then’!  but I have some inbuilt faith that one day it will miraculously have evaporated into thin air, although it is now grown a winter coat of fur, and any grandiose ideas that I had of it maybe floating away or being wafted out of a window, are diminishing as its powers of propulsion are being weighed down by its extra wadding.    Maybe tomorrow I’ll get out the hoover….wouldn’t want to bend and stretch….

Chocolate Queen

4pm and I’m a demented woman.  I know I’m slightly off centre most days, but by 4pm i’m in dire need of CHOCOLATE.  Just writing the word has me salivating.  If I had a single smartie, I would be licking the coating off and savouring every particle of chocolate flavouring in the sugar centre.  It has gotten so bad that I’m scouring the cupboard for anything with chocolate in.  I’ve opened a packet of  ‘Reeses no bake dessert bar mix’ as I was SURE it contained chocolate….hmmm…they lied.  Gloopy, chocolate syrup stuff that is poured onto the top…not my idea of the choc fix I was now so desperately needing.

Reeses choccie fix

I’m also cursing a the amount of empty packaging that has accumulated in the larder.  Suppose that’s my fault again…oh obviously….as I was the person to empty the boxes.  WRONG!  Looks like the fuck up fairy frequents that cupboard but can’t make her way to my bathroom.   Having a conversation with someone about my favourite chocolate stores, only served to increase my sugar craving as I could taste them rolling around my tongue.   I had to think of alternatives.  The ‘Oats so Simple’ …..wasn’t.   I NEED this NOW.  I don’t want to wait 3 minutes for it to be cooked in a microwave, I need the kind of instant gratification that only sinking your teeth into thick chocolate can give you!   I didn’t get it.  I settled for a bowl of  Waitrose prunes in fruit juice.  I convinced myself they looked like chocolate truffles.  They don’t taste like chocolate truffles.  I am slightly anxious about taking a sleeping tablet tonight though…..

So, I’m innocently searching google, looking for chocolate pictures to illustrate todays blog, and what pops up ‘Electric Orgasm Enhancement‘!  Well yes it would wouldn’t it!   The next best thing to chocolate for a woman might just be sex (obviously after a hot cup of tea and a dunked hob nob) but my god, the promises of this little gem, along with a flake and some whippy cream and woohoo…..instant gratifuckation I think!   Having to apply electrodes to your ankles isn’t visually appealing but it might be an explanation as to why so many women are Ugg wearers now….thats not an iPod they’re listening to, they’re increasing the pulse of that vibe whilst they’re out walking!   Whilst it doesn’t provide an orgasm, it is said to take a woman to a ‘pre-orgasmic plateau where she dangles on the edge of orgasm for as long as she wants’, I know a few shoe shops that have that ability too…but a mere kiss from your perfect lover can do that for you without the $139 price tag 🙂

Chocolate or Sex?


  1. love your writing daisy .xx made me laugh yet again ….

  2. Hilarious, as always…makes my day a brighter place.

  3. Daisy- excellent again- I know what ya mean about all the PRESCRIPTIONS! I remember when My dad and I used to work together- the first thing he said before leaving for the day was,” Let me make sure I got all my medicines” … EVERY MORN, he said that.. and NOW whenever Maria and I go out, I say…. “let me make sure…….:)
    It’s true- we are turning into our parents…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: