Posted by: purplediva | January 28, 2010

Love yours intimately?

“I had a need, I sought a solution, It wasn’t there, I created my own” says Ritz Clinging (Is that name serious!) Love yourself, Love your muff…..

love your muff?

And whilst we’re on the subject….MINE is not a ‘muff’ it’s ‘La Diva’.  She is far too refined to be referred to in such an undignified way as a bloody muff!  A Muff is something you hang around your neck and stick both hands in to warm……. La Diva has hung around a couple of necks in her past but as for the next bit….Can I phone a friend?

Well I do love mine, most definitely.  I trim it, groom it, colour it (purple), and keep  ‘La Diva’ in very good health, most of the time.  I’m fortunate enough that I’ve suffered very few ‘womens problems’ other than the fact that I’m a woman.  For many, that’s a problem in itself.  Coupled with the onset of middle age and countless ailments, womanhood continues to be a myriad of perpetual dilemmas.

This is serious stuff readers, no laughing matter.  Ms ‘Clinging’ had a need and her new product PROMISES to ‘provide daily love and care for down there’  Fantastic, lets just click that little ‘buy it now’ button and as if by magic, one of those honed and toned Butlers in the Buff types or if your lucky, whoever else may be on your fantasy wish list, ‘Promises’ to appear.  Woohoo….and at the bargain price of $38 for the kit or slightly more if you’re in the UK.  Approximately £22 with £5000 first class air ticket for Mr Clooney, plus expenses.  But it’d be worth it don’t you think?

Well no, actually not.  I’d not quite yet worn down to the bone on clicking finger, but I’ve lost a lot of skin and am rapidly approaching the subcutaneous  layers and it’s looking like I might just have to wear one of those nasty leather finger stalls for a week or so ( That’ll stop me picking my nose at traffic lights….AND that’s my favourite finger!) before I realised that what had been created was in fact  fabulously effective feminine care products that cater to the modern lifestyles of savvy, empowered and informed women of today, and that very very very very unfortunately, NO fantasy men or otherwise were ever going to appear.  Bugger!

Ms Clingings’ creation is in fact a 4 stage system for keeping your ‘muff’ maintained:

Clean….. this is a wash in media jargon

Pure.….100% Natural pure ‘mist’  (err…water? and why?)

Soft…..Smooth lotions ‘caress before you dress’ (why why why?  didn’t need it before, why do I need it now?  I mean, KY jelly I can understand but Vanilla I don’t get….well, not unless it’s ice cream!)

Fresh….Muff on the move – wipes (aren’t they always on the move?) Hairy Fairy will love these 😉 There are already ‘toilet wipes’ so I can’t poo poo this…..

I’m normally quiet and shy about talking about such things but just couldn’t let the opportunity to comment go to waste as I have several questions for ‘Ritz’, the first of which is; I wonder if she’s a cracker?  Well, come on, it was there for the taking!  So this product has, by the look of the site and packaging, been marketed at an age group of maybe 16 – 25 year olds? ‘savvy, empowered and informed’ ??  hmmm….If I were marketing this product I’d have aimed a little higher.  I mean in ages.  I’d have gone for the Loose Ladies….the Tena Ladies…Incontinence ‘R’ us. After all, common sense tells you that those are probably the ones that may just think about buying a product like this?  Of course I may just have completely underestimated the younger generation, and shall look at all those young yummy mummy’s that are keen to get on trampolines with their little darlings, with a wry knowledgable smile  😉

The theory of the product is sound, but the principle is less so.  Anything that changes the natural acidity (pH) of the vagina, or damages the tissues in and around the vagina, may lead to thrush. Perfumed soaps, vaginal deodorants, douches, disinfectants and scented bubble baths can all irritate or damage the delicate tissues of the vagina and vulva. Whether you use perfumed soaps or not, scrubbing, excessive washing or rubbing hard with a towel may do enough damage to lead to thrush (but without a waterproof rabbit, it does feel pretty nice!) Owing to an abundance of medication (morphine) and then very low immunity, I’ve suffered my fair share and know exactly how fragile the balance is in this most delicate of areas!

Doesn't he know?

Vintage 'douche' Ad

Researching this subject bought up some interesting links on ideas of vaginal hygiene.  The one which states that  ‘All women have vaginal odor. It may be pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. You can find out how you smell by putting one or two fingers inside your vagina, and then smelling them. If the odor is unpleasant, it’s best to see your gynecologist to discover the cause’ Oh, I bet your gynae is going to be pretty pleased at having to get into close proximity too then!  Also goes on to explain in detail how to alter your internal ‘taste’ for women who enjoy someone performing oral sex on them!  It’s an amusing tale and I won’t be trying it. It certainly puts a new slant on the Mick Jagger/Marianne Faithfull alleged shenanigans, and I shall be scrutinising those people who put ‘sweet n low’ in their shopping baskets from now on!

These products contain a long list of ingredients which include the following:

This is not the complete list by any means, but the urge to go and stick wasps up my bum was more pressing than writing the exhaustive list 🙂

Coconut Oil, Cucumber Fruit Extract, Geranium Oil, Lavender Hydrosol, Lavender Oil, Aloe Vera how’s your father, Orange Blossom something or other, Patchouli louli la la and good old Tea Tree oil!

Althaea Officianalis Root Extract: Marshmallow plant.  Said to have healing qualities and are used in natural treatments of varicose veins, ulcers and boils. That’s a nice thought to be using it on your own little Diva then.  Wonder if it works on hemorrhoids?

Sunflower Seed Oil: Good for all skin types and is helpful in healing damaged skin and replacing the natural lipids that damaged skin lacks. Used for centuries for treating a wide range of skin disorders including acne, common infections and diaper rash. Should come in handy if you’ve been a little over zealous with your razor or you’ve left your Tena lady on for 3 days 😉

I’m not sure about you but my ‘muff’ seems to have served both me and any visitors pretty well up to now, and I don’t want someone delving into my deliciousness and then leaving me, with the avidly memorable smell of Lavender oil wafting around them around forevermore.  You’d never be able to take a Sunday stroll through the Norfolk Lavender fields again without a smirk on your face.   Surely a mere glimpse of La Diva, resplendent in her purple plumage would be a lifetime memory enough for most, without the added scratch and sniff technology now available courtesy of  ‘I love my muff’ !!!

With common sense, good living  and stockings, you can do without loving your muff.  Embrace your ‘Diva’ instead and stay the empowered Goddess you are….with a knowing glint, a purple shimmer a breeze of fresh air 😉

And for a final thought:

Why is this purely aimed at just women?   Don’t men need to be fresh and fruity too?  If there is truly a market for ‘I love my muff’  then I’m off to start my research with  ‘Dicks Wipz’

If you’re available for a little intimate research then click here 😉

(Daniel Craig, George Clooney and Butlers in the Buff, PLEASE stop clicking, I’ve told you I can’t cope with the demand, my knees are too bad)

And I’m still left wondering…….exactly WHAT was Ms Ritz Clinging’s ‘need’ ?????

I wonder......;-)


  1. excellent read….very very funny…. ‘ a muff by any other name etc’

  2. As a male of a certain age, I don’t know where to begin with this…. 🙂

    Hilarious stuff my dear. What a way with words you have!

  3. So who does buy these products…?!

    Hilarious writing, as always! Can’t imagine where you’ll take us next!

  4. Another excellent piece, full of charm, information, humour and the odd tinge of fishy cheese!!!

    And Ritz Clinging sounds like you can’t get out of the hotel.

    P.S. Heard the (strong) rumours about George?

  5. I forgot to mention that I am a regular muff-diver of many years experience. And yes, you are 100% correct; they should aim such products (or similar) at men, as many of the male species, who turn their collective nose up at the feminine odours, are not reknowned for their own hygiene. And, as I can testifiy, are as susceptible to infections like thrush as much as women are.

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