Posted by: purplediva | February 8, 2010

Press button for Maid Service….


This could potentially prove to be an eventful week in the diary of a hormonal woman. With ‘R’s birthday on Tuesday, and Valentines day on Sunday, I’d better make sure that I am well stocked up with headache pills 😉   Add into the equation, the imminent arrival of both Truly Unruly AND Hairy Fairy for 24 hours from today and by Wednesday evening, I could be sobbing my heart out to some poor unsuspecting 25 year old Samaritan trainee, that is unfortunate enough to be on call late one night!

‘Truly’ is coming to visit as she is recuperating from surgery to her left shoulder.  A nasty and incredibly painful operation.  As opposed to the type of operations that aren’t actually painful at all….of which I can’t think of any, but surgeons will reassure you there are.  They lie sometimes 🙂

I’ve heard that people with vertigo have an urge to physically throw themselves from heights, should they find themselves inadvertently there.  ‘Truly’, suffers from a similar but debilitating and not to mention embarrassing condition called ‘Aquago’.  Surprising that for a sufferer she should decide to  join the ‘cruise’ fraternity quite so often as her holiday of choice…..

Truly and Hairy disembarked from their little seafaring vessel that had taken them from their cruise-liner to visit some of the smaller islands in their scheduled itinerary. Hairy had momentarily turned back to go and get a bottle of water that she’d forgotten, and in that instant, Truly lost her footing on the gang plank and with a huge splash, landed in the water!  She apparently ascended from the water like Ursula

'Truly' Ursula

from a little mermaid…Although, somewhat more bedraggled and disheveled but to much cheering from the public and crew alike.   She was escorted back onto the boat and given much needed TLC, medical attention…..and drink. Nursing a bad shoulder and soaking wet, they attempt to disembark at the next island.  Once again, talking away, having a laugh…..when Hairy remembers something else she’s left on the boat, and turns around to go back to fetch it.  Within seconds she hears that oh so familiar and fateful sound of gushing water and gasps of horror, knowing full well Truly was back in the water!   This time, she rises from the deep, holding her head, which she’s now gashed as well as once again hurt her shoulder!  So in the space of 30 minutes she’s gone from glamorous grandmother goddess to mythical one armed sea creature, which, once safe on board is adorned with a towel wrapped around her head making her resemble Hiawatha’s long lost aunt from Atlantis!

I’ve been wracking my brain with what to buy R for his birthday although I think I might possibly have to replace the jumper that the washing machine of doom has ‘tightened’ a little, yesterday.  You know how sometimes they feel a little ‘snug’ when you take them from the machine, and you just KNOW they are a teensy bit smaller (several sizes) than when you put it in…..well…his favorite jumper feels like a horse rug!  But a small, grey, hard rug, devoid of life.  I haven’t told him yet.  Still, it’s not all lost.  I think it’ll fit Maddie, the labrador, so it’ll still come in handy when they go across the fields.  At least he won’t have to bath her on their return.  Result all around then 😀

As time is now of the essence, idea no.2  is to present myself on a plate….not ‘a la’ Samantha in the Sushi scene in Sex and the City but more subtle with a pink flashing light and a sign that says ‘x marks the spot’, I’m not sure that my womanly bits will still gain their much needed attention, despite their ‘purpleness’.  I am not obsessed with sex, as I do think my days of ‘nymph’ are very short and in limited supply.  I am however, very hopeful of a resurgence through the power of HRT though…. If not, I have it on very good authority that a lover is definitely the new ‘alternative therapy’ 😉

With aforementioned birthday & Valentines night looming ever closer, my mind has turned to think of ways to spruce up ‘la diva’  (Lover, get ready 😉 ) and I’m shocked!  yes, ME!  Shocked!  My furrowed brow is furrowing deeply with some of the things I’ve uncovered.  It’s no surprise that men have it SO easy!    Women are going to extreme lengths for perfection ‘down there’.  You will have heard of some, but a couple have made me cross my legs…..very tightly

  1. Vaginal Deodorant – refer to blog ‘Love yours intimately’ about this one!
  2. Douching – The act of using a tube and pump to force liquids into the vagina to ‘clean’.  Do NOT use a turkey baster!  Do NOT use anything.  It’s not good for you
  3. Vaginal Rejuvenation (if its too loose) – If you need yours tightening to a vice like grip, then maybe this is for you.  Personally I’d get a lover with a bigger cock!  Easier on the bank balance, less chance of ‘adhesions’, however, might leave you scarred….mentally!
  4. Labiaplasty – if your vagina is ‘ugly’ !!! WELL….if someone said my Diva was ugly, i’d be inclined to say, well do what I do darling ‘close your eyes and think of England‘   They’re not supposed to be ‘pretty’…they’re FUNctional!
  5. Vaginal mints – Oh here we go!  I am not kidding.  To make your partner more inclined to ‘linger’ there for longer, there is a product called…ironically enough ‘LINGER’

    Linger on your tongue?

    .  For internal vaginal flavouring.  WHY? !!!  More worrying though is that this product has been marketed specifically for this purpose and has been proven to be no different to any other supermarket ‘mint’.  So, if you see your partner suddenly reaching for a Trebor extra strong, or a Tic Tac, be very afraid.  You may well just wonder when he had his tongue pierced, as that little bead rolling around on his tongue may just turn out to be a tic tac and not a piercing.  Or of course, he might be feeling adventurous and get in a fishermans friend. Ooh the anticipation…. my legs are crossed already!

Cant help thinking ‘Come on Baby light my fire’! as you’d have thought that putting something like that down ‘there’ is going to be enough to turn any woman’s bits bright red, let alone barbie pink………apparently not.  The madness continues:

6.  Vaginal ‘colouring’ – Colour discrimination for pussies!  If your La La, Noo Noo…Diva, Lady Bits, or whatever you like to call ‘her’ is too ‘vagina coloured’ do not fear….help is at hand!  ‘Bleach Babe’ is a cream  that does away with ‘natural discoloration surrounding the exterior of the vagina. Nice to know that it contains the same ingredient that keeps salmon meat pink.  I’m keeping unusually tight lipped on the subject!  Not content with being bleached, you can now put the colour BACK with ‘My New Pink Button’  a ‘genital Cosmetic Colourant’ that restores the ‘pink’ back to woman’s genitals… Because vaginas that aren’t vibrantly pink are old and sad!!

Press Button for maid service!

Colours available are; Marilyn, Audry, Bettie & …….Ginger!!!   Well thank you very much, but i’m not sure that i want to open my legs and have a vibrant fluorescent pink flamingo coloured pussy on show to all and sundry!  with my purple plumage, I’m going to look like some exotic cockatoo!

Perhaps this takes lipstick to a whole new dimension, and ‘Press button for maid service’ a whole new implication….

I wonder if that’s what Carrie and ‘Big’ were really talking about in Sex and the City… ‘when Big colours, he rarely stays in the lines’!



Responses

  1. OMG!!! Where do you find this stuff!! 😀

    Thank god I’m a male!

    Mention of Ursula does remind me of someone though….

  2. Hours of research for this one…? Or do you now get ‘that sort’ of junk mail these days!!!

    As always, your writing is a joy and (as I’m totally unshockable) hilarious!

    I’m sure there are ‘ladies’ out there who could do with some pampering of the pussy kind, but I’ll give them a miss, this time! ;-D

  3. Absolutely stunning 🙂 nice work hun x


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