Posted by: purplediva | March 2, 2010

Doubting Diva


People are like stained-glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,

but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within!

I don’t feel much like a princess, a queen or even the Diva that I purport to be, this week. The closest I get to any ‘royal’ status is that of Princess Fiona from Shrek….and yes, I do mean in her ugly green phase! I have been offended over the past 7 days.  Not once, not twice but THREE times!  oh yes…AND incredulously, all by the same person.

fugly day

I am a size 16, ample bodied woman, curvaceous, with bits that wiggle and jiggle with a free will of their own accord, and frequently, when I least expect them too. It’s a never ending battle that i’ve had since I had my tonsils out.  If only they’d stitched up my mouth at the same time, I wouldn’t have such a lardy arse now…..

The first offending comment came pretty early on last week.  I’d had some rather fantastic news resulting in a wonderful career opportunity and was celebrating with my favourite ‘C’s ….champagne; chocolate; colins (chewy sweets!); Choos…..you get my drift, and then, as I was halfway through my curly wurly, ‘he’ reminded me “Maybe you should watch the amount of chocolate you eat now…..TV tends to put lbs on you” !  Not that I was going to be on TV imminently, but there is a remote possibility that in the distant future (next 3 years or so) that I might possibly be asked to comment on something in the ‘media’.

WELL…. I was in full sulk and pout mode for the next 2 days. Not only did I not need reminding that TV put lbs on you, or that I might need to indeed be careful a little…but at 48 years old I don’t need someone else to state the bloody obvious, AND the fact that they did, added insult, especially when its from someone that you think might actually like you as you are!

I had to go and buy a new handbag to console myself.  A red one at that. Women will understand this.  This could be an expensive week.

Offending no. 2: After the discussions of the offensiveness of no.1, they backtracked and actually dug (aptly…..)themselves a deeper hole by saying “actually, you are ‘plumptious’ and not fat”  !!!   Whatever you call it, actually it means the same…..FAT.  Colour the word how you like, (but not orange….orange fat equals oompa loompa!)Voluptuous, Curvy, Plumptious, Ample, they all equal FAT!!  So I remain offended but decide to take action.

Oh, and whilst we are on the subject…WHY OH WHY do people say ‘you look well’, when you know damn well that what they really mean is, ‘you look FAT’, or ‘you look like you’ve put on weight’.  I know perfectly well what they mean, and what they’re thinking….no I’m not paranoid and YES I know my bum looks big in that, without having to ask :).

Offending no. 3: Okay, now I know that this book might be a little dated in places now, HOWEVER, I have been assured that this is the bible on men and their thoughts and is obligatory reading for all women.  The book in question is called ‘Billy’s Log’ by Dougie Brimson.  Mr Brimson and I are extremely good friends (although how much longer for may be in question!).

I came across Page 18, whereby there is a ‘list’ of groups…groups that men sort women into(!!):

Obviously out of reach

Prick teaser

Fit as fuck

Perfect

Plain but could scrub up

Frumpy clothes but acceptable features

Plump but still quite fit

Plain but beyond help

Tubby but presentable

Pig (includes fat or lardy)

Grumpy, frumpy or bland looking

Bitch or hard faced

Oldie (any female between 35 and 40)

Goldie (forty plus)

Geezer bird (or gay)

The adorable author was indeed the purveyor of the compliments that had so offended me, and after the ‘plumptious’ one, I was struggling to find where I would be placed on such a ‘list’…… I don’t think of myself as a Goldie, so the only category that i could possibly fit into is the Pig, or Grumpy, frumpy or bland looking one!!  neither filled me with much joy so it was time for action.

I started out with good intentions at 7.30 am in the morning.  By 8.30am, despair had replaced any good thoughts I had, and any glimmer of hope and salvation had all but disappeared.  Monday 1st March 2010 was officially ‘Fugly’ day!

In the confines of my bed my tummy felt fairly flat and whilst there are some notions of bone structure still semi palpable to anyone that might be groping around, I might just have to point them in the direction of where those bones might possibly be hiding, under the layers of subcutaneous fat and crinkly, dehydrated skin.  But the flat tummy looks decidedly different once my body has dragged itself vertical.  Gravity takes its toll on all areas, and that flat tummy is now sagging very nicely like a water filled balloon bag somewhere around my bikini line.  Fortunately, I do also have an additional matching pair further up my body which once passed as wholesome breasts, so I don’t look too out of place and it does all wiggle and jiggle at the same time whilst I wobble my way to the shower.

My momentous decision that I would take control and start watching my weight didn’t fill me with as much pleasure as the thought of a bacon sandwich did, but  the knowledge of me being happier at least 24lbs lighter focused my attention.   With that thought firmly in mind, just before my shower, I searched for the ‘emergency’ chocolate that I had been reminded by a guest recently that was stashed in the bedside drawer of the spare bedroom….I found it, and hungrily force fed it to myself whilst the shower was running.  With mouth stuffed full, and with plain chocolate, dribbling from the corners of my mouth, the kind words uttered by my well meaning friend this week invaded my head again….. ‘you do realise that TV puts lbs on you’ and with that thought, I spat out the full mouthful of chocolate and watched it disappear down the plughole! AND then went so far as to even wash my mouth out with the shower head, feeling somewhat like a naughty child being scalded by it’s parent having been caught swearing and having its mouth washed out with soap!

When I came to my senses I made another momentous decision…I AM WHAT I AM regardless of what’s on the outside 🙂

Fortunately, I have consoled myself today with online shopping and have found myself a suitable outfit that will fulfill many purposes…..It covers me from head to toe, no one has to look at my face or fat, lardy body and apparently there is some sexual gratification….although, perhaps I’m missing something on that score! (and it just so happens to be the right shade of purple….cute 🙂 )  All that’s missing is one of those ‘big boot’ foot warmers, don’t you think………..?

Diva Delivery?


Responses

  1. Oh Purple Diva, you have just had me crying with laughter … entirely filled with empathy but also nodding fervently as I read your blog!

    Loving the purple suit but feel it might be a tad too kinky for everyday-wear … instead, flaunt your curves and celebrate your vibrant, beautiful self and go wow ’em on TV.

    (I AM, however, going to have to take a looksee at that book myself … I am none too sure where I fit in, either!)

    • It IS a fabulous book, trust me on that one…hilarious too…pre ‘milf’ days, Mr Brimson is feeling the wrath of my whip 😉 I do quite like the look of that suit, but think it may suit him more than me!!!! Revenge :D)

  2. As a direct consequence of this blog, I will henceforth make no attempt, however reckless, to provide said Diva with any compliments or flattery but will instead, merely apply my size 9 boot onto her ample arse as and when required. 😉

    • My arse is indeed ‘ample’ and does need a gently kicking now and again. You have my full permission to apply size 9 as and when necessary. My head is bowed in shame that I have taken offence at obvious flattery and complimentary comments that were purely designed to show me the error of my wayward ways by the consumption of chocolate in such copious amounts. I have duly amended my ways forthwith and you can look forward to the new svelte Diva in the near future. This is of course total fairytalk, induced by substituting chocolate with alcohol. I like both in equal measure but I love you more 😀 x

  3. I’d be quite happy with a working Diva as opposed to a svelte one! Not that you aren’t svelte already of course….. oh god, where’s my shovel? 😀

    • You have shovels firmly in both hands I think. Maybe your next project could be along the lines of Edward Scissorhands…….’Dougie Shovelhands’ the Londoners version!!! I think that would go down well in Hollywood, what do you think? I can see Bob Hoskins taking the lead…….

  4. Bob Hoskins!!! I was thinking more Daniel Craig in a fat suit!

    • DC only has a very tiny willy so you couldn’t possibly be him!

  5. They missed a category for you on page 18…. Gorgeous!

    • How wonderful to know that someone thinks so 🙂 x

  6. i just wasted my last jammie dodger thanks to you ! It ended up all over my lounge when i laughed so much at the picture i chocked and peppered the ornaments!

  7. Maybe I should add a new one after today….

    Barking/scatty

    😀

  8. oh diva ……. why would you even consider taking on such lies for your enemy … MEN ….. like Men would know about women and bodys …. let us not forget … MEn see the world diffrently much like skinny mirrors mens eyes are not Normal …… nor are there brains .. we must sympathise with there weak feeble minds …… dont belive the hyp ……… a confident women is sexy …. a self loathing women is horrid …. now wash yuor face …. get that chocolate out and enjoy both the chocolate and your ass

    • Neema….. methinks you need to take off those blinkers dear. You are clearly guilty of making the same generalisations about men as you accuse men of making about women. And a review of the word ‘ironic’ in the nearest dictionary might not go amiss either!

      Now, lighten up woman….. 🙂

  9. all men are pigs in some way ……. lol and i wont change my mind on that … dont worry hun ..ill still die a happy contented women ……

  10. I guess I am a pig…. but I worship at the trough of women! 🙂


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